Live Through
by Kouri Arashi
Summary: A post-series fic where Hisoka tries to straighten himself out but has Issues with a new mission... my summaries suck. Just read.
1. Prologue

Live Through

_Notes: So, um, this is my Yami no Matsuei ficlet. _

Warnings: Yaoi, Tsuzuki+Hisoka. (Hints of Tatsumi+Tsuzuki.) Violence, implied/ remembered NCS, and everything else that goes with YnM. This will be pretty much Hisoka-centric, because I like him a lot, and he strikes me as being introspective and Tsuzuki just... well, isn't. 

Spoilers: Entirety of the series. Series, not manga. I have never seen/read the manga. There will be references to manga characters that don't appear in the series (i. e. Terazuma) but none of them will play major roles. And I'm dealing with Anime!Hisoka here, because he's way cooler than Manga!Hisoka. 

Disclaimers: I own nothing, and I stole the title from Trigun. 

~~~~ 

    Before my mother realized what I was, she called me her little one. Then one day I asked her why she was angry. She wanted to know how I'd known she was angry, and I couldn't explain how. I just . . . knew. From that day on I was no longer her little one. I wasn't a little boy at all. I was a demon child, to be locked into a cell, abused, underfed, and finally raped, cursed, and murdered. 

    For the first time in years, someone called me little one. He did, telling me how beautiful I was and how it would be wrong to just kill me, telling me all this while he carved the curse onto my body. 

    I became a Shinigami. 

    It was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

    I can't say it was the best thing in my life, since it technically occurred after my own death. I don't feel dead, but it's not exactly an easy thing to forget. 

    I read somewhere that fire purifies. Should Tsuzuki and I have come out of that building as better people? Cleansed of Muraki's touch? 

    I wish we could have. 

    How much of life is fate, and how much chance? Tsuzuki and I would never have met if it hadn't been for Muraki. That makes me think I shouldn't hate him, but I do. I hate him for what he did to me; I hate him more for what he did to Tsuzuki. But so much of Tsuzuki's problems aren't Muraki's fault. How much was already there, waiting for the right minute to erupt? 

    I thought I was going to lose him. I couldn't stand it, couldn't stand it in a way that touched me deeper than anything ever has before. I would have done anything to save him, and all I could do was hold him and cry and beg. 

    I'm so tired of being alone. 

    I've been alone for so long. I had finally learned how to trust, how to care again. If Tsuzuki had left me . . . 

    I don't want to think about it. 

    I want to stay with him forever. 

    I told him I needed him. 

    Truer words were never spoken. 

    It hurt to say, almost as if the words were torn out from very deep inside me. Hidden for so long, because I didn't want to admit them. I didn't want to feel, to care, to need. I don't want to be hurt anymore, and caring always brings pain. 

    But I'm so tired of being alone, and somehow he got into my heart without me even realizing what was going on. Now that need is a part of me, and admitting it eased some of the pain that it brings. 

    There are hundreds of ways that I need him. To help me, to comfort me. To stay with me, to advise me, to care for me, to wave apple pie in my face, to stand between me and my pain, me and my loneliness. 

    He asked if he could stay with me. 

    I didn't know how he could ask that, after what I had just said to him, and all I could do was nod, and that was when the ceiling crashed down on us. I thought we were dead. For a minute I almost wanted it. To free Tsuzuki from his pain, but not have to live without him. 

    The perfect solution. 

    But somehow I think I like it better this way. I wish I could help Tsuzuki. But I couldn't let him die. 

    Tatsumi-san came to see me yesterday. I think he was worried that I was angry with him. Tsuzuki had told me about the little talk they'd had. I guess Tatsumi-san is just a worrier by nature. I can't forget what he said to me in the hotel that night, about how I'm the only one who can comfort Tsuzuki. Right now he needs me as much as I need him. I remember the look on Tatsumi-san's face when we reached the lab, the profound sorrow, but resignation. If Tsuzuki wanted to die, that was what Tatsumi-san wanted. 

    But the thought of losing him . . . 

    I guess I'm back-tracking, aren't I? Tatsumi-san came to apologize to me. For almost letting Tsuzuki die. I told him he didn't have anything to apologize for -- he did save us, in the end. He looked a little surprised. I guess he had a right to be. I'm not usually so agreeable. 

    I told him earlier that I thought he knew Tsuzuki better than I did. He said I was wrong. I'm still not sure. I know how Tatsumi-san feels about him. It's not that he's obvious, it's just that it's hard to hide things from me, especially strong emotions like that. It doesn't really matter how well-shielded you are; I pick up on it eventually. It's just a little warmth or feeling of kindness when he looks at Tsuzuki. Or sometimes, when Tsuzuki and I are together and Tatsumi-san is watching us, I feel a sort of gentle wave of sorrow and regret. But understanding. 

    Tatsumi-san wants us to be happy together. 

    It's a rather tall order, I think. I rescued Tsuzuki from the flames, but can I truly rescue him from his darkness? He says he's fine now, completely and totally fine and where did I hide the chocolate cake? He's fooled Wakaba and Terazuma, Saya and Yuma, the Gushoshin. Watari and Konoe-Kachou don't believe it, and neither does Tatsumi-san. God knows that I don't believe it. 

    But if he can pretend, I can pretend. It won't help him if I drag his problems out by force. He has to trust me. 

    He does, I think, but it's like he doesn't quite know how to go about it. Tsuzuki is the only person here that I can't read very well. I can get a sense of him, of his emotions at the moment, but never more than that. It's not that he doesn't trust me, I don't think; it's just that he's shielded himself so well for so long that he really doesn't know how to let people in anymore. 

    He has to learn how to trust people, the same way I had to learn how to need people. 

    "I need you." 

    Truer words . . . 

    After all this, I'm still not even sure what Tsuzuki technically is. He has those beautiful purple eyes. Demon's eyes? That's what Muraki said. But I don't think so. Tsuzuki isn't a demon or a monster. I've met demons. I would know if that was true. Demons do not feel, they do not care. That isn't Tsuzuki, who cares so deeply that it nearly kills him. 

    I was called a monster once, by my own parents. It wasn't true then any more than it's true now. 

    The romantic part of me (and a small part it is) would like to think he's some sort of angel. But I don't believe that either. 

    He's just a human. 

    In fact, I think he might be the most human out of anyone I've ever met. 

    I remember him asking me, over and over again. "Am I human?" And I would always just say yes, because that was all he needed and wanted to hear. Night after night during our long hospital stay, in between both of our nightmares, talking quietly so Watari wouldn't come in and tell us to go back to sleep. 

    "Am I human, Hisoka?" 

    "Yes, Tsuzuki." 

    And he would smile at me. He has a wonderful smile. I was afraid I'd never see it again. I'm still afraid of that, because it's still only a shadow of what it used to be. I know Tsuzuki will never be the same -- could never be the same after what we went through -- but I hope that someday he'll smile again. 

    And Muraki is still alive. I'm not sure how to tell Tsuzuki that. Or if I even should tell Tsuzuki that. I don't think it's anything he needs to know right now, but I can't lie to him. The curse would be gone if Muraki was dead, and it isn't. How am I supposed to tell him that? 

    I don't know exactly what happened when Muraki kidnapped him, but I can make a few guesses. I know firsthand what he's like, and he's been after Tsuzuki for ages. I can hope, that since they weren't together for much time before we came, that nothing happened . . . nothing like that, anyway . . . 

    But why delude myself? I can hear what Tsuzuki says in his dreams. I probably say a lot of the same things myself. It's a shared pain we have, one of many. 

    As for me, I'm not sorry Muraki survived. I'm not thrilled, but having him still around gives me some sort of purpose. It gives me a reason to live. 

    No. That's not . . . quite right. 

    Muraki gives me a reason to exist. 

    Tsuzuki gives me a reason to live. 

    "I need you." 

    When he has those nightmares, I always get out of bed and hold him, wait for them to go away. Watari told me days ago that I didn't have to sleep in the hospital anymore, but I do anyway. I like having Tsuzuki nearby when I sleep, for my own comfort and so I can keep an eye on him. 

    Konoe-Kachou has ordered us both to take two weeks off. This is on top of all the time we've spent in the hospital. I've been doing some work while Tsuzuki's finished healing; odd jobs, helping out Watari and Tatsumi-san around the office. But the note from Konoe-Kachou this morning said we're both to stop working for two weeks. We can go where we wish, Chijou or wherever. He advised that we were to stay together, of course. 

    And here's the real kicker -- if anything suspicious happens near us, what are we supposed to do? 

    Leave. Notify EnmaCho and leave. We aren't allowed to let anything disturb this forced vacation. I guess he thinks we need it too badly. And I know he's worried about Muraki. Naturally I told him that Muraki is still around. 

    I asked Tsuzuki where he wanted to go. He immediately listed off about eighty-five places in the course of three seconds. I'd never even heard of most of them. It's nice to know his old self is still in there somewhere. 

    I'll let him pick. Anything to make him happy. Tatsumi-san said he might even find it in his heart to give us some extra money for dessert. Some things never change. 

    Two weeks alone with Tsuzuki. 

    Part of me is frightened at this concept, part of me ecstatic. But I don't think anything will happen. We'll share a room, most likely -- Tatsumi-san will be happier that way, less money. And Tsuzuki and I have gotten used to having the other there at night. Not that we do anything -- I have a feeling neither of us would be ready for that for a long time, even if we had clarified the details of our relationship. 

    Two weeks alone with Tsuzuki. No Watari coming in for checkups, no Tatsumi-san to watch us with sad but forgiving eyes, no Konoe-Kachou to try to make me work, no one except strangers and the two of us. 

    I shouldn't be afraid. He already knows how I feel. 

    "I need you." 

    Truer words . . .? 

    No. There are truer words than that. 

    We need each other. 

~~~~ 

_So.... give me lots of feedback, please? The next part of this might be a while coming._


	2. Chapter One

_Warnings: Angst, angst, and more angst. But that's about it for this part. Oh, and NCS. Remembered. Not graphic._

Part One 

"Suuuugooooiiiii!!!" Tsuzuki's head is whipping around like it's on a string, as if he doesn't quite know where to look and so is attempting to look everywhere at once. It's very odd and rather amusing. Why am I carrying all the luggage? 

"Ah, the elevator's over here, Hisoka!" Tsuzuki waves at me madly. 

"I see you, Tsuzuki," I say calmly, trying to drag over the two suitcases. Tsuzuki dashes over and grabs one. "Thanks." 

The room we have is quite big and very nice. After what seemed like weeks of discussion, we settled on a nice resort on the ocean. It's the wrong time of year for swimming, so it's not too crowded. There's a nice pool inside, as well as several restaurants, a casino for the adults, an arcade for the kids, convention halls, stuff like that. Tsuzuki's eyes are practically falling out of his head. He's spent the past hour saying he can't believe Tatsumi actually gave us the money to come here. 

I'm neglecting to mention that the difference came out of my salary. It's nothing he needs to know, really. Though the Shinigami aren't terribly well-paid, the money we receive is enough for an adequate lifestyle. I'm not much of a spender, so I have quite a bit saved up by now. It'll be nice to splurge for once, to see Tsuzuki smile again. 

Tsuzuki flops onto one of the beds and starts bouncing up and down, then springs back up full force. "Let's go eat!" 

Part of the reason Tsuzuki was so insistent on this resort (price aside, of course) was because there's a restaurant here specially known for its desserts. Western ones in particular. I can hardly say no to Tsuzuki, who has sprouted puppy ears, paws, and tail, so I allow him to drag me downstairs, trying to look as if I'm reluctant. 

Tsuzuki's eyes go wide and shiny at the list of desserts. He's reading them all aloud to me, as if I can't read them myself. 

"Tsuzuki, get some real dinner, okay?" I ask, looking through the menu. "You've still got some healing to do." 

"Chocolate cake heals," Tsuzuki tries. 

I roll my eyes. "That's why they call the dish 'Death by Chocolate', right?" 

Tsuzuki looks lost for a second. Then he grins broadly. "But we're already -- " 

"Baka!" I cut him off before he can finish the sentence. "Don't say that! Someone might hear!" 

"They don't care," Tsuzuki says, waving his menu at the other diners. 

"Irresponsible," I say, shaking my head and trying not to smile. It's quite a bit of work. I can feel the corners of my lips twitching. 

"Hisoka," Tsuzuki says patiently, as if I were the one goofing off, "we're on vacation, remember?" 

"That doesn't mean that we can afford to draw attention to ourselves." 

He pouts. Probably because he knows I'm right. 

The waitress comes over then. I manage to persuade Tsuzuki to order some normal food and we sit back to wait for it. 

When I first met Tsuzuki, I was convinced for a good day or so that he and I would never find anything to talk about. We seemed a worse match than the famed odd couple -- he couldn't take anything seriously, and I took everything more seriously than was good for me. Our compability was zero. 

As I said later, we had nowhere to go but up. 

We have more in common than I ever would have suspected. We can talk about anything, or everything, or nothing at all. And it's always fine. You know you have a true friend when you can simply sit outside and watch the stars in silence, then leave feeling like it was the best conversation you'd ever had. 

To be trusted is as great an honor as to be loved. Maybe even greater. 

So we just talk. Make plans for the week -- there's an amusement park nearby, and a zoo, and a few museums. We talk about movies, and books, and Watari's latest misadventure (he somehow found out when Tatsumi-san's birthday was and threw him a surprise party -- needless to say, Tatsumi-san was not amused). Tsuzuki inhales his food. 

I have to tease him just a little. "Do we have enough money for dessert?" I ask idly, checking the prices. 

His face falls. "We have to at least once . . . the restaurant's famous . . ." He brightens suddenly. "I have some pocket money!" 

I laugh. "It's okay, Tsuzuki. We have enough for dessert." 

Tsuzuki looks immensely pleased. He orders two slices of apple pie, one slice of key lime pie, one piece of carrot cake (how does one make cake out of carrots? Sounds disgusting to me), and one Death by Chocolate. 

The waitress turns to me. "I'll share his," I say with a smile. 

"Hi-so-kaaaaa!" 

"Oh, all right," I say, pretending to be irritated. "I'll try the Death by Chocolate." Hey, it's vacation. I might as well be adventurous. 

Tsuzuki looks thrilled at this. 

Death by Chocolate turns out to be triple layer chocolate cake, with very thick chocolate frosting, chocolate chips sprinkled over the top of the cake, and chocolate sauce drizzled over it. It's also a huge portion. My stomach aches just looking at it. 

Tsuzuki dives in. Honestly, I don't think I've seen him this happy since we first met. I know at least half of it is show, but the other half is true enjoyment, and I'll take what I can get. 

When he's finally finished with his dessert (and half of mine, as I couldn't manage to finish my piece), we hang around the arcade for a while. I had my fill of casinos on the Queen Camilla, and Tsuzuki seems to feel the same way. We also don't have that much money to play with. Tsuzuki seems determined to win a prize, but after the first eight tries, he gives up. 

"It's late," I say. "We should get unpacked." 

Tsuzuki nods, drooping a little with weariness. He still gets tired very easily, no matter how much he tries to deny it. Watari tried to explain it to me, saying that because Touda caused the injuries, they heal at the same rate as a normal person's would. I don't remember all of the explanation, but it made very little sense, so I don't care. The point is that Tsuzuki is healing slowly, but by the end of vacation he ought to be back to normal. 

"I'm going to take a quick shower," he says while I unpack. 

That's an interesting little fact about Tsuzuki. He prefers showers over baths, while I'm the other way around. I like to think in the bath. Tsuzuki, from what I can tell, doesn't like to think at all. I suppose if he showers, the sound of the water drowns him out. (No pun intended.) 

I take my time unpacking, but I'm still unpacked and in bed by the time he gets out, but I've switched the television on and found a late movie. 

"Wah, I love this movie!" Tsuzuki crawls under his covers and props a few pillows up so he can watch comfortably. 

Despite that, he's asleep by the time the movie is half over. I'm yawning so much that I think my face might break in half, so I turn it off and fall asleep less than five minutes later. 

~~~~ 

It's a quiet night, for the two of us. 

My nightmares are usually either of when Muraki cursed me, or of Tsuzuki in the burning building. I have one of the former variety this particular night and wake up to Tsuzuki shaking me gently. He's sitting on the edge of my bed with one hand on my shoulder and a concerned look on his face. "Hisoka?" he asks, when he sees I'm awake. "Daijoubu?" 

I nod and try to say I'm okay, but the words choke in my throat. I hate looking weak -- even in front of Tsuzuki, who's seen me at my weakest and doesn't care. "I-I'm fine," I finally manage, and my voice cracks, making the first word in one octave and the second in a higher one. 

"Uh huh." Tsuzuki sounds unconvinced. He pulls himself up on the bed next to me, leaning against the headboard. "Then you won't mind if I stay for a while, ne?" 

I can feel his concern leaking out of him. It intensifies when he puts his arm around my shoulder. I lean against him. No harm in that, right? 

He's very warm, and comfortable, and the flannel of the shirt he's wearing is soft against my cheek. He's letting me feel his emotions a little more than usual. To reassure me. So I know he doesn't think I'm being silly, or being a bother. Just . . . kindness, and a gentle sort of worry. That's all I feel from him. 

I like being held by him. I shouldn't have admitted I needed him -- now my brain keeps trying to decide that I feel other things for him, too. Maybe I do. I don't know. As usual, I'm confused. But I think I would like to stay like this for a while. Maybe forever. In his arms. 

I've started crying now. Perfect. But Tsuzuki apparently thinks I needed to get it out of my system, and he's probably right. He just holds me. Even crying, it's wonderful to be held. I don't cry long; the nightmare wasn't that bad. 

This happens often; comforting each other is something we have both grown very good at. The key is to not speak. Simply let the emotions run their course. Upon being woken, we always ask if the person is okay. Sometimes I actually am -- I grew used to my nightmares a long time ago. Tsuzuki rarely is. But if we feel the need to cry, afterwards, there is only one question. 

"Feeling better?" Tsuzuki asks. His breath stirs my hair. It's a good question. It doesn't imply being 'okay.' It merely asks if crying helped at all, or if more is required. 

"Yeah," I answer. "I think I'm okay now." I smile wanly up at him in the moonlight that streams in between our curtains. "You should get more sleep." 

"Yeah, I know." He yawns, gives me a hug, and climbs back into his own bed. He falls back asleep very quickly. I stay awake for a while, then drift off. 

When I next awake, the clock is blinking 3:07 right next to my eye in large red numbers. I rolled over in my sleep. I make a mental note to fix it in the morning, then hear Tsuzuki give an odd little half-moan. My turn to do the comforting. 

Tsuzuki is hard to comfort. If he's only twitching and whispering a little, the trick is to not wake him up, but to try to soothe him back into normal sleep. Once he's starting moaning or crying, however, it's best to wake him up as quickly as possible, so he doesn't get stuck half in the dream. 

I sit on the edge of his bed and give him a rough shake. "Tsuzuki, wake up. Tsuzuki." 

He sits bolt upright, looks around wildly, and then his eyes focus on me. He practically throws himself into my arms, trembling violently. I hold him tightly, smooth his hair, say nothing. I'm not as good at projecting emotions as I am at receiving them, but I try to project an aura of calm, of caring. His shaking stops after a minute, though his tears don't. 

It's a long while before Tsuzuki is calm enough to sleep again. I don't ask about the nightmare -- we never do -- but I imagine it must have been quite a bad one. He falls back to sleep with me still holding onto him, looking exhausted. I lay him down carefully so as not to wake him and tuck him in. The temptation is very strong to climb right underneath the covers next to him, but I can only imagine the shock that would cause tomorrow morning. So I return to my own bed and turn the small lamp on to read. It's going to be a while before I manage to fall asleep again. 

I wake up the next morning with the lamp still on and the book on my chest. Tsuzuki is bouncing around the room excitedly, nightmares forgotten in the sunlight, asking if we can go to the zoo today or did I want to finish exploring the hotel? 

He wants to go to the zoo. I can tell just by looking at him. 

"The zoo's fine," I say, my voice completely noncommittal, and I'm rewarded for my efforts by a huge grin. 

~~~~ 

I've found, for the first time in my life (well, afterlife) that the phrase 'time flies when you're having fun' is actually true. Keep in mind that I haven't had a lot of chance to verify this before. I knew for a fact that time drags when you're miserable, but the first week of vacation is over before I've even truly comprehended it's begun. Tsuzuki is bouncing off the walls with glee; I don't think I've ever seen him happier. After a few nights of pretty bad nightmares, both his and mine subside so they're rare and not as bad when they happen. 

We go to the zoo and the amusement park, spend excessive amounts of time in the pool and the hottub, watch about eight thousand movies, and play all the poker we can stomach. (We play in our room -- neither of us is eager to go throwing our money away in the casino. Though I'll say if we'd been playing with real money, Tsuzuki would owe me half his year's salary by now.) 

We eat out every night. For a while we had considered getting a place to stay that had a kitchen, but my cooking skills are limited and Tsuzuki's are life-threatening to the tastebuds, so I casually shot that idea down. There are quite a few restaurants within the confines of the resort, and it's not a far ride to town, either. So we're well-fed and Tsuzuki gets dessert every time we eat. And sometimes when we're not eating. 

We went to the beach today. It was practically empty, except for a few people watching the waves. We spent a while doing that, then shell-picking, then had a picnic. Thankfully it wasn't windy. We're both pretty worn out by the time we get back to the hotel, and flop down on Tsuzuki's bed to play more poker. Then we flip on a movie. It's turning into a very mundane vacation. But I think that's a good thing. No shocks. 

Tsuzuki props himself up with a few pillows, and waves at me to join him. After a long moment of hesitation, I do so, curling up at his side and resting my head on his shoulder. It's incredibly comfortable. It's like . . . it's like we fit together, almost like two pieces of a puzzle. His arm is around my shoulders, his fingers absently running through my hair. It's nice. It's more than nice. I don't think there's a word for it. Wonderful. I think this might be the first time in my life (existence) that I've actually felt at peace. 

And Tsuzuki . . . 

Tsuzuki is snoring. 

I suppress a snicker. I don't want to move, but I really can't stay here all night. We're not even under any blankets. So I fumble around for the remote and turn the television off, then start to get up. 

"Hmm?" Tsuzuki mumbles sleepily. His arm wraps tighter around my shoulders, pulling me back down. "Where're you goin' . . .?" Half his sentence is lost in a huge yawn. 

"To bed, Tsuzuki." 

"Mmph." Tsuzuki rolls over onto his stomach, trapping me underneath one of his outflung arms. "You're in bed." 

"But I'm not in my bed." I'm blushing furiously, I know I am. Fortunately, Tsuzuki isn't looking at me. 

"So?" He yawns again. "Who cares? Turn off the light. Sleep. You stay here tonight." 

I pause. "Oh, all right." I'm trying to sound reluctant. Why am I trying to sound reluctant? I lean over and turn off the lights. "But get under the covers, at least." 

Tsuzuki, somewhat resembling a dead fish, flops around until I manage to get him safely under the covers. Then he curls up on his side and pulls me into his arms. "See?" he mumbles sleepily. "This is good." 

I can tell from the tone of his voice that he's half-asleep, but if he wants to keep me near him, it's fine by me. Better than fine, really. I love the feeling of being held by him. My last thought, before I drift off, is that I wish I could fall asleep like this evey night. 

~~~~ 

Sometimes, when I dream, I can tell I'm dreaming long before I manage to shake myself out of it. It doesn't happen very often, but on a rare occasion I know. This is one of those occasions. It's more like a vision than a dream -- I feel perfectly awake, but not really there. 

I'm lying on a bed that feels more like a table; there's just enough cushioning to hide the fact that it's not really made for sleeping on. My eyes are open, and it looks like I'm some sort of lab. Everything is grey and metallic. 

Odd. Not a dream I usually have. 

Muraki wobbles into my field of vision, and I say wobbles not because he's unsteady, but because I can't seem to see straight. I'm very cold. I don't think I'm wearing anything, though there's a sheet draped over me. What's going on? I don't like this dream. 

He smiles. I hate Muraki's smile. It's the kind of smile doctors have when they say something won't hurt a bit, and they're lying, and you know they're lying, and then they do whatever it is and of course it hurts like crazy. Muraki has an 'I'm about to hurt you' smile. 

He says something. I can't really tell what. I can hear him, but the sound is being filtered through what sounds like an ocean of water. It's dull and muffled and incoherent. I just look up at him. Why am I not trying to get away? I try to force my body to move, but it doesn't obey me. 

And in my mind's ear, I hear a tiny voice. 

_it's hopeless give up there's no way out just let me die it's hopeless i don't want to be here anymore it's hopeless please let me die please don't touch me please just let me die i don't want to be here_

Tsuzuki's voice. 

I fell asleep in Tsuzuki's arms . . . 

I'm having Tsuzuki's nightmare. 

I flail against it for a minute, but the despair is sucking me in, holding me down. I can't escape the dream. 

"You don't look like you're listening, Tsuzuki," Muraki says. Now that I've separated myself from Tsuzuki, I can hear again -- but I still can't move. "Are you paying any attention at all?" 

I remember Tsuzuki's eyes when I finally found him again, so horribly blank and unseeing, uncaring. I doubt Tsuzuki can hear a word he says. 

_don't touch me i hate you leave me alone_

Muraki's fingers trail down his chest. I shudder, but Tsuzuki remains still, so my movements mean nothing. I want to scream, but I can't get Tsuzuki to even open his mouth. 

Muraki is muttering something about the perfect body. Whatever. I didn't want to see this. I know what happened. I don't want to see this. 

He leans down and kisses me/Tsuzuki. I want to bite down on his lips, on his tongue, but Tsuzuki does nothing, simply staring through the fringe of Muraki's hair at the ceiling. He doesn't move at all. He doesn't seem to realize Muraki is there, but I know he does, because I can hear him. 

_oh god leave me alone i'm scared i'm scared i'm so scared_

And there's nothing I can do, lie there and wait and pray for the dream to end soon for both our sakes. 

I can feel Muraki's hands, tracing lower, pushing the sheet aside. Oh God. Oh God I think I'm losing it. I'm crying. Tsuzuki isn't. How can I be crying if Tsuzuki's not? Oh God. I can't tell where he stops and I start. I'm scared, Tsuzuki is scared and his fear is seeping into me through where our skin is touching and I want out, I want out of this dream, I want to wake up -- 

I want to scream I want to fight but Tsuzuki won't let me, he's just lying there and why won't he fight, why won't he try to stop him why is he just lying there? I can hear him 

_i don't deserve to live this is what i deserve to be hurt to be tortured to be killed it's only right after everything i've done this is right_

But it isn't right but he doesn't hear me and there's nothing I can do and oh God I'm losing it, I really am in a few seconds I won't be able to tell who's who anymore, people aren't supposed to share dreams and I guess this is why 

and Muraki is right there on top of me/Tsuzuki and God it hurts and I didn't want to see this, I didn't want to, I know Tsuzuki's hurting I know how he's hurting I hurt the same way now please let me go I don't want to be here anymore and I'm losing it I don't know who I am anymore and let me go let me go LET ME GO 

OH GOD 

~~~~ 

"Hisoka! Hisoka, wake up!" 

I can hear someone screaming. Not the shouting, that's Tsuzuki's voice, I know Tsuzuki's voice. This is a scream, more like a wail, anguish and despair and pain. 

Tsuzuki clamps a hand over my mouth. The wailing stops. Oh. 

I can't breathe. This is probably not good. But I don't care. 

"Okay?" Tsuzuki asks. 

I nod. My eyes feel like saucers in my head. He removes his hand and I gasp for breath. Steady. Have to steady myself. I'm gripping the fabric of Tsuzuki's shirt so tightly that my knuckles have gone white. He reaches up to smooth my hair and I flinch away. His hand drops back to his side. 

"Sorry," he whispers. 

I shake my head. "Nn. What . . . what happened?" My voice is trembling. 

"I don't know," Tsuzuki says. "I woke up because I was having a nightmare and you were . . . you were flailing all over the place but when I touched you, you started to shriek like that." He shifts, looking uncomfortable. "I had a really hard time waking you up." 

I close my eyes, let my head droop a little. I'm starting to calm down a little. Or at least I don't feel like I'm going to be hysterical, not right away, at any rate. And I know who I am again, which is an added plus. "We can't do this anymore," I say. 

"Huh?" Tsuzuki asks, and I realize I've completely switched subjects on him. 

"Sleep . . . together like this," I say, and suddenly I'm blushing. "Because . . . the contact . . . with my empathy . . ." Damn it, why can't I get a full sentence out? "I had the same nightmare you did." 

"Oh," Tsuzuki says. There's a moment of awkward silence. Then he says, hesitantly, "It wasn't that bad -- " 

I shake my head. "For one thing, don't belittle your own nightmares. I know how bad it was." I rub my eyes. "I went through it too, remember. But . . . it wasn't so much that . . . as . . . I could feel your consciousness, and mine, but as it went on they started to blend. Almost like I was fading into you. And I couldn't influence the dream at all, I could just watch, and I couldn't tell who I was anymore . . ." There I go crying again. That was only a matter of time. 

Tsuzuki reaches out to me, then drops his arms, uncertain. I want to reassure him, I want to let him hold me, but even from a few feet away, I can feel the remnants of the nightmare. I don't dare touch him, or let him touch me. So I huddle into a ball and cry myself out alone. The tears don't bring the peace they usually do. I finally stop feeling exhausted and headachey. 

Tsuzuki gives me a painful smile. "Better?" 

"No," I say. I don't know what to tell him. I want to crawl into his arms and be held and calmed, I want to not be an empath, I want Muraki's head on a silver platter. I want this to all go away. 

He reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder, his face in a tiny frown as he concentrates, shielding his own mind from me. 

I give him a weak smile. "You're going to give yourself a headache if you keep that up." 

"I know." He smiles back. "But it's worth it for a few minutes." 

He holds out his arms to me and I crawl into them. "Why aren't you upset?" 

He shrugs. "That's one of my more common nightmares. I think I'm getting used to that one." 

I laugh softly, into his shoulder. "I know the feeling." 

His arms tighten around me for a second, then relax. "It gets better?" he whispers. 

"Yeah," I say. "It never goes away, but it gets better." 

He says nothing, just smooths my hair. His shields are wearing away a little, but for now we're still okay. The horror of the dream fades a little, and I manage to relax in his arms. I realize, with some concern, that I'm shivering. "Have I been shaking like this the whole time?" I asked. 

"Yeah," he says. 

But he's warm, and my shivering stops soon. "Tsuzuki . . ." 

"Nani?" 

I pause. I don't know what I was going to say. "I'm sorry . . ." Where did that come from? I wasn't going to say that. "I'm sorry I didn't get there sooner . . . I'm sorry that I didn't save you from him. I'm so sorry . . ." Great. I'm crying again. When did I turn into such a wimp? 

"Hisoka, it wasn't your fault. You came as quickly as you could." Tsuzuki kisses the top of my head. "Don't blame yourself. Please. You saved me." 

And these tears bring peace. 

"Shhh," he murmurs. "Go to sleep." 

Fear rises up in me, nearly choking me. "I can't." 

"Don't worry, I'll put you back in your own bed as soon as you fall asleep, I promise," Tsuzuki says. "But you'll never get back to sleep if you go now." 

I know he's right, so I just nod a little and rest my head against his chest. He rocks me back and forth like I'm a child. Not that I was rocked much as a child, but that's not the point. I'm still awake, though not by much, when he picks me up and puts me in my own bed, tucking the covers around my chin. Then he leans down, brushes the hair out of my face, and kisses my forehead. 

"Oyasumi, Hisoka." 

There are a million things I want to say to him, but before I can think of any of them, I'm asleep again. 

~~~~~ 

_Um, so, you all want to give me lots of feedback? Right? Since I'm terribly insecure about this fic? Please?_


	3. Chapter Two

_I know this is coming out slowly, and I'm sorry. I *am* writing it as fast as I can. Be patient ^_^_

Part Two 

    Vacation is over before I know it. Tsuzuki bids farewell to the restaurant. In addition to his suitcase, he's now carrying a grocery bag full of desserts. Thank God for takeout. Hopefully he can manage to keep everyone else from eating all of it. 

    "Did you have fun?" Tsuzuki asks me as I help him carry his stuff up to his house. 

    "Yeah," I say, realizing that I did. "It was great." 

    We stop by the office briefly, to reassure everyone that we got back safely. It's pretty late in the evening, so only Tatsumi-san and Konoe-kachou are left. Tatsumi-san greets us cordially. "Did you have a good time?" 

    Tsuzuki nods enthusiastically and starts giving Tatsumi-san an account of everything that happened, everything we did, and everything he ate. Tatsumi-san listens patiently, with a tiny, amused smile on his face. 

    "And there was no trouble?" he asks, gently interrupting Tsuzuki's description of Death by Chocolate. 

    "Nope," Tsuzuki says, and launches right back into his description. 

    "Well, I'm going home," Konoe-kachou says. "Kurosaki-kun, I'd like to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning. Tsuzuki, you'll need to see me after I'm finished with him." 

    Somehow that makes me nervous, but both Tsuzuki and I reply with a nod and a 'hai'. 

    "Come on, Tsuzuki," I say. "I'll walk you home." I can't resist needling a little, so I grin. "You'll see Tatsumi-san in the morning." 

    "Hi-so-kaaaa . . ." 

    Tatsumi-san blushes a tiny bit, which from him is rather satisfying, so I latch onto Tsuzuki and pull him out of the office, exchanging a smile with Tatsumi-san before I go. 

    Most of us live within walking distance of the office -- there are no cars in this world, and teleporting long distances is a skill refined to a few of us and difficult even to those few. (Naturally, moving between this world and Chijou is a somewhat different story.) Tsuzuki lives about a fifteen minute walk away; I'm about twenty minutes in the other direction. 

    "Well." We stop on Tsuzuki's doorstop. I'm suddenly facing the very unpleasant prospect of a thirty-five minute walk to an empty house and a night by myself. It's not that I need Tsuzuki there at night, it's just that I . . . 

    Need Tsuzuki there at night. 

    We look at each other for a minute. 

    I can tell, from the look on Tsuzuki's face and the subtle emotions drifting off him, that he's no more pleased with the situation than I am. I can sense a small amount of fear, unease, lingering pain. 

    "Yeah, I'm not thrilled with the prospect either," I say dryly. 

    He laughs. "Come on in. You can stay the night." 

    There's no reason for Tsuzuki to have an extra bed, but he does have a couch. One floor below him is certainly more appealing than thirty-five minutes at a fast walk, so I gratefully curl up with a blanket. Tsuzuki stays up for a little while. "What do you think Kachou wants to see us about?" he asks. 

    "Probably about our new assignment," I say. I don't know where he's planning on putting us. Tsuzuki just isn't up to field work yet. 

    "I wonder what it's going to be . . ." Tsuzuki looks pleased with the thought of switching jobs, however temporarily. It's enough to make me wonder how he lasted seventy years. 

    "No point in speculating; we'll find out in ten hours," I say sleepily. 

    "Oh yeah . . . ne, let's have some dessert before bed!" 

    I can't help but laugh. Tsuzuki heats up two pieces of the apple pie he brought home and puts one in my lap. We toast each other solemnly with forkfuls of pie. 

~~~~ 

    "You don't need to look so nervous, Kurosaki-kun," Konoe-kachou says. "I don't have bad news. I just need to talk to you about your new assignment." 

    "You'll have to forgive me for being nervous," I say. "If this was just about our new assignment, we'd be seeing you at the same time." 

    He laughs. "All right, you've seen through me. I'm not sure you and Tsuzuki will be completely pleased with your assignment." 

    "Well, don't leave me hanging." 

    Konoe-kachou clears his throat. "I've been discussing it some with Tatsumi, and we both agreed we probably shouldn't put Tsuzuki back on field duty for now. Maybe not for a long time. He's a little . . ." He trails off, obviously trying not to offend me. 

    "Unstable?" I suggest. 

    "I wasn't going to phrase it quite like that," he says, then sighs. "But yes. The first thing goes wrong, first innocent person to get hurt, and I imagine there would be rather catastrophic results." 

    I nod. "We expected that. Or at least I did. So where are you putting us?" 

    "Watari has been asking for an assisstant in the lab for a long-term experiment he's planning on running," Konoe-kachou says. "It won't be permanent, but it's somewhere he can work until I've found a longer office position for him." 

    I blink at him, waiting. 

    "I assume that's okay with you," Konoe-kachou says. 

    "Sure. What am I missing?" 

    Konoe-kachou shifts, looking uncomortable. His unease is rolling off him in waves. "Well, you won't be working with him." 

    Pause. Silence. "Oh?" 

    "You're too valuable a field agent to lose, Kurosaki-kun," he says. "Even if it's just to an office job." 

    I relax a little. Field work is something I know, something I'm good at. "That's fine." 

    I'm assuming, rather foolishly, that he's going to let one of the Gushoshin accompany me until Tsuzuki is ready to go out on assignment again. Then he bursts that pleasant little bubble by saying, "Since it's likely to be quite a while before Tsuzuki will be going back to field work, we have a new partner for you." 

    My eyebrows practically climb off my forehead. "Oh?" 

    He nods. "He arrived while you were on your vacation, and went ahead with Gushoshin. Tatsumi-san will give you the details on the case. All set?" 

    There's not much I can do except nod. 

    "Go ahead, then, and send Tsuzuki in." 

    I nod again and leave the office. Tsuzuki is hovering outside. "What's going on?" he asked. "Is it okay?" 

    "Yeah," I say, trying to keep my voice even. "It's fine. Go ahead." 

    Tsuzuki gives me a nervous look but goes into the office. 

    "Kurosaki-kun?" 

    I turn, startle. "Ohayo, Tatsumi-san." 

    "I take it you got your assignment?" Tatsumi-san asks me. 

    I nod. "Kachou told me to see you." 

    "Well, come on." Tatsumi-san leads me into his office. "Have a seat. I'm glad you're taking this so well. We were worried that the impending separation would . . . distress you." 

    "Well, I'm not going to say I like it," I say flatly. "But if you need me in the field, I'd rather this than make Tsuzuki go with me." 

    Tatsumi-san nods briefly and describes the case. It's a pretty simple one, a rash of disappearances in a small town. 

    "And my partner will meet me there?" I ask. 

    He nods. 

    "How about a description so I don't try to shoot this one?" I suggest dryly. 

    Tatsumi-san smiles. "His name is Sakamoto Akimiya. He's a few inches taller than you, twenty-three years old. He has light blonde hair and blue eyes, and he's thin. That good enough?" 

    I want to remark that they should just give me a Polaroid, but subside. "Yeah. Thanks. He's already there?" 

    He nods. "He and Gushoshin." Pause. "The younger, that is. He set up a meeting time and place, too . . . let me dig that out." It takes him approximately three seconds. Tatsumi-san is very organized. "Here you are." 

    I glance at it. It's for tonight, at a restaurant. "So I don't need to leave right away?" 

    He nods. 

    "That's good, because I don't think Tsuzuki is very happy with the arrangement." 

    He raises an eyebrow at me, but my empathy has yet to be proven wrong, so we leave his office and go back out into the main room. Konoe-Kachou's office door is still shut, but I can just barely hear Tsuzuki, which means he's speaking in a slightly raised voice. 

    Watari wanders in, sipping his coffee. He blinks at our serious faces. "Naa, have a good trip, Hisoka?" 

    "Yeah," I answer. 

    "What's wrong?" 

    "Tsuzuki is getting the new assignment," Tatsumi-san tells him. 

    Watari frowns. "Uh oh." 

    The door opens and Tsuzuki stalks out, looking displeased. His eyes immediately land on me. "And this is okay with you?" he asks angrily. 

    "Tsuzuki," I say calmly, "You can't do field work. I can. This isn't something to get upset about." 

    "But they're giving you a new partner -- " 

    I take him by the wrist and drag him into Tatsumi-san's office, then close the door, ignoring the impropriety of it. "To begin with, calm down." 

    Tsuzuki takes a few deep breaths. 

    "Now tell me -- honestly -- when you think you'd be ready for field work again." 

    Tsuzuki opens his mouth, then shuts it, looking away. 

    "Tsuzuki, it could be months, it could be years. I can't just abandon everyone else and sit around doing a meaningless office job." 

    "Like me?" Tsuzuki asks bitterly. 

    "Konoe-kachou can find a way to make you useful. But two of us wandering around? It's stupid, Tsuzuki. I can go back out on the field, no problem, I have a new partner so I'll be safe. There's nothing to worry about." 

    "I just . . ." Tsuzuki stares at the floor. "I just don't want you to get hurt." 

    I put a hand on his arm. "I'll be fine. Kachou wouldn't have picked this person if they weren't competent. And besides, if I'm ever in trouble, I doubt anyone will stop you from swooping to my rescue. Okay?" 

    He manages a smile. "Okay." 

    "And I'm not replacing you." 

    He flinches. I picked that one right out of his head and he knows it. "I didn't think -- " 

    "You're not fooling me, Tsuzuki." 

    He sighs, giving me a wounded look. Then he reaches out and draws me into a hug, deciding to avoid the replacement comment rather than try to answer it. "Just be careful, okay?" 

    "I always am," I reply. 

    He gives a disbelieving laugh. 

    "Except when it comes to you," I add. 

    He laughs again. 

    "Come on, I don't have to leave until this afternoon. Let's get out of Tatsumi-san's office before he decides we're looking through our records or something." 

~~~~ 

    I can't stand late people. It's always struck me as a sign of disrespect, leaving someone sitting in a restaurant. Even Tsuzuki, as scatter-brained as he sometimes is, manages not to be late if he's going somewhere with me. Of course, it took a few stern lectures, but he got the picture. 

    So now I'm sitting in a small restaurant in a small town and sipping my tea. It's half past seven; thirty minutes later than it ought to be. I'm beginning to wonder how long I should wait. I doubt Konoe-kachou would be pleased if I popped back up in the office and said "he never showed up." 

    Seven thirty-five. Tsuzuki will be home by now. Probably eating. No, wait. Tatsumi-san said he was going to take Tsuzuki out to dinner. Good. That'll keep him from moping too much. I wonder if he'll be okay tonight, on his own. It'll be his first night alone in months. Maybe Tatsumi-san will stay with him. But I don't want Tatsumi-san to stay with him, I want to be there myself. 

    Seven forty. I'm getting more displeased by the minute. The waitress is hovering near the table and I wave her off for the third time. I'm just going to order in a minute. I'm hungry. Where on earth is he? I hope nothing's gone wrong; on a first job, that would not be good. But he wasn't alone; Gushoshin was with him. 

    Seven forty-five. I wonder if Tsuzuki is thinking of me? Or maybe Tatsumi-san is distracting him effectively. Do I want Tatsumi-san to be distracting him? I want Tsuzuki to be thinking about me, but I don't want him to be worrying. Maybe they're talking about me but Tatsumi-san is keeping him from worrying. Eh, now I'm just getting ridiculous. 

    Seven fifty, speaking of ridiculous. What do I do if he isn't here by eight? If anything was really wrong, I'd be able to sense a general disturbance in the area, but I don't. I check the restaurant for the eightieth time for anything remotely resembling Tatsumi-san's description, but there's nothing. And Gushoshin is supposed to be with him -- I'd be able to spot him. 

    Seven fifty-five. The door opens. 

    Tall, blonde, looks in his early twenties, with a chicken hovering over his shoulder that no one else can see. Gushoshin gestures to me and the man gives me a friendly smile and walks over. "Konban wa," he says cheerfully. 

    "You're late," I reply. There's something strange . . . something that puts me immediately on edge . . . but I can't quite put my finger on what it is. 

    Gushoshin gives me a look, rather reminiscent of the look he gave me when I first met Tsuzuki and wouldn't give him the time of day. A 'will you just give him a chance?' look. 

    He determinedly ignores my statement. "My name's Sakamoto Akimiya -- you can call me Akimiya." 

    Gushoshin gives me a glare of death that only a two-foot tall floating chicken in blue clothes could muster. I bite back a grin. "Kurosaki Hisoka. Nice to meet you." 

    Akimiya sits down and we finally get to order our food. I hope it comes quickly, because my stomach has wrapped itself around my spine in search of nutrients. "What kept you?" I can't help asking. 

    "We were tracking down a lead," Akimiya says, and I'm glad he at least has an intelligent answer. "Interviewing the sister of one of the missing people, and man, could she ever talk!" He grins at me, as if he expects me to be amused. "And then she offered cookies and tea, so I'm actually not that hungry, but . . ." 

    Gushoshin is giving me a nervous look. The kind of look that means, "I know you're annoyed, but he's not all that bad, really . . ." 

    "You were late because you were flirting?" I ask. My voice is that tone which usually makes Tsuzuki turn into a puppy and hide under the table. 

    Akimiya blinks at me, the picture of innocence. "Well, not flirting exactly, just talking. Umm . . ." His voice trails off. I think he can tell that I'm not amused. 

    The food comes then, which, luckily for him, improves my mood a great deal. It also keeps me from having to reply. When I've finished inhaling my food, I ask him for a summary of the case. 

    It isn't terribly difficult. He and Gushoshin have already put most of the pieces together; all that remains is apprehending the person behind it. (Fortunately not Muraki -- he would be leaving silver hairs lying around trying to tempt us by now. Or something like that.) 

    "If you had all this information already," I ask, swirling my tea around in its cup, "why were you so long at this lady's house?" 

    Gushoshin keeps giving me looks. I think that one was a 'you didn't really want to ask that question' look. 

    "Just being friendly," Akimiya mutters. "She was really upset about her brother and everything." 

    "I give up," I announce, and beckon the waitress. "May I have the check, please?" 

    The waitress nods and bustles off. 

    "W-wait a minute, Hisoka-san!" Gushoshin blusters. "What do you mean, you give up?" 

    I turn to him. "I am not," I say firmly, "working with this idiot. Konoe-kachou will have to come up with some sort of better solution." 

    Gushoshin folds his arms over his chest and says, "That's what you said about Tsuzuki-san, too." 

    I pause. He has a point there. In fact, I probably would've walked out of the restaurant if he hadn't stolen my dumpling at that moment. "But Tsuzuki proved himself," I say stiffly. "The very next day." 

    "Then you should give Akimiya-san at least a day," Gushoshin says. 

    I'm being ordered around by a chicken. That's kind of sad. "Fine," I finally say, and turn to the blonde-haired idiot. "You have one day," I tell him, "to convince me that you're not as vapid as you seem. Now where are we staying?" 

    Gushoshin is giving me another one of his action-packed looks. This one is "can't you be a little nicer?" 

    I glare back. 

    "Uh . . ." Akimiya manages to stammer out the name of the hotel as I pay the check. "I'm not vapid," he finally says as we walk out of the restaurant. 

    "Uh huh." I'm not convinced. "How long have you been dead?" 

    Gushoshin and Akimiya both flinch. But I've never really been one for tact. 

    "Uh, t-two weeks," he says. 

    "Accident?" I ask. 

    His eyes harden and he looks serious for the first time all night. "No." 

    I meet his eyes for a long second, then nod. "That's what I thought." I stretch my consciousness towards him a little, curious, then pull back as I encounter nothing. Frowning, I reach towards Gushoshin, but there's nothing there either. 

    "What's wrong, Hisoka-san?" Gushoshin asks me, seeing the half-panicked look on my face. I don't like being empathic most of the time, but to have it suddenly be gone is alarming. I realize suddenly that this is what was bothering me in the restaurant. The 'white noise' of all the people around me had dimmed and faded out. Since I hadn't particularly been paying attention, I hadn't really realized. 

    "I can't . . ." I frown more, trying to phrase carefully. "My empathy is . . ." 

    "Not working?" Akimiya interrupts. 

    I stare at him. 

    "Uh, that'd be my fault, I'm afraid," he says, looking at the ground. "Konoe-kachou said I'm a natural dampening field. A lot of Shinigami's powers don't work around me. It made Tatsumi-san pretty uneasy, too, actually." 

    "How far does it stretch?" I ask, fascinated in spite of myself. 

    He blinks. "Well, we've never really tested it." 

    "Then let's test it." Both Gushoshin and I start to take steps (well, small floating bounds, in his case) away from Akimiya. Once I'm about twenty feet away, I can feel Gushoshin's presence again -- but still not Akimiya. That makes me uneasy. As if I needed another reason to dislike the guy. Not to even mention that my empathy is next-to-useless when he's my partner. Whose brilliant idea was this? 

    We walk back to the hotel in almost dead silence. "Do you have any powers?" I ask. I know the answer is yes -- we all do, if only onmyoujitsu -- but I figure I may as well be polite. 

    He nods slightly. "I'm a yumemi." 

    The word is familiar, but I can't quite place it, so I look at him questioningly. 

    "I can see the future in dreams," he clarifies. "And I can enter other people's dreams and talk to them, sometimes gain information because they think I'm just a figment of their imagination." 

    I nod. Useful. Dangerous, but useful. And not just dangerous to other people -- I've learned firsthand how risky it is to enter other people's dreams. "It must be hard," I finally say. 

    Gushoshin gives me a "good, you're being nice" look. 

    Akimiya just shrugs. Okay, maybe he's not as vapid as his first impression gives off. But still . . . I'm not impressed. 

    Then again, as Tsuzuki reminds me constantly, I'm very difficult to impress. 

~~~~ 

    I don't usually think of myself as the kind of person that comes to hasty judgments. I really don't. 

    I found, over the course of the next day, that I had made two rather large mistakes. 

    The first: never assume that a case will be easy just because all the puzzling has been done for you already. 

    The second: never, never, never underestimate a yumemi. 

    Tsuzuki will probably think this is hilarious when I get back. Hopefully Gushoshin won't have already told everyone my less than stellar opinion of Akimiya. Because then I'd have some real explaining to do. 

    As usual, I'm ahead of myself. 

    Gushoshin left this morning with his usual request for souvenirs. I can never figure out whether or not he's joking about that. Akimiya and I figured it would be an easy job -- we knew who we were apprehending, we knew where he was, and we knew what kind of resistance to expect from him. 

    "Ne, Kurosaki-kun," Akimiya said as we walked down the street towards our destination. 

    "Call me Hisoka," I say. "It's shorter when you're in trouble." 

    Akimiya laughs nervously, obviously not sure whether or not I'm joking. I'm not. I hope he doesn't take it as some misguided offer of friendship. 

    "Hisoka, then," he says finally. "Do you really dislike me that much?" 

    I give him a glance. "I don't dislike you. I just don't think we would make very good partners." 

    Akimiya looks away. "This Tsuzuki . . . was he your last partner?" 

    I nod warily. 

    "Is he . . ." Akimiya's voice trails off. 

    I force a laugh. "No. He's not dead. He's just been taken off field duty for an indefinite amount of time. The stress got to him." There's the understatement of the century. 

    "Oh." Akimiya's feet scuff. "That's probably part of why you don't like me, ne?" 

    I blink. 

    "Because you don't really want a new partner." 

    I'd really like to argue with him, but I have a suspicion that, somewhere deep down, he's right. I was determined to not like whoever Konoe-kachou paired me with so I could get Tsuzuki back. Great, now I feel guilty. After telling Tsuzuki that this was for the best, too. "It's not that," I say anyway. 

    "Then what is it?" he asks. 

    I don't know. I have no idea what's bothering me so much about him. "Look, forget it," I say. "We have to work together, we may as well get used to the idea." 

    Silence. We trudge through the leaves. 

    "You care for him very much, don't you." 

    I stop. 

    Akimiya says nothing, doesn't defend himself, just looks at me. 

    "Yeah," I finally say. "Why do you ask?" 

    He shrugs. We start walking again. "I just wanted you to know," he finally says, "that I'm not trying to take Tsuzuki's place. I mean, I want to do my best. I want to be a good partner for you. But I don't want to take away someone who's obviously so important to you." 

    I just nod, accepting that as if it were what I expected. When in truth it's just about the last thing I expected. "Thanks," I finally say. "But how did you know? That he was so important to me, I mean." 

    Akimiya hesitates a second, then says, "You have very powerful dreams, Hisoka. It's hard . . . for a yumemi like myself . . . to avoid getting sucked into them. And I managed to stay out most of the time, but . . ." He looks up, his blue eyes suddenly very earnest. "I could help with that, you know." 

    I'm feeling annoyed again. I know it's not his fault that he saw my dreams, but it certainly wasn't anything I wanted him seeing. "No. That's okay. I need to get through it myself." 

    He nods a little. "I just asked, because . . . I figured it was hard for you to admit that you care about people. But I wanted you to know that I wasn't going to try to take Tsuzuki away." 

    I roll my eyes. "Tell him that. He's far more concerned about it than I am." 

    "Well, when I see him, I will," Akimiya says. 

    I have a feeling he's serious about that, which worries me a little, but before I can comment on that, we're there. I'm a little nervous; it's my first combat situation without Tsuzuki. While I've gotten better at onmyoujitsu lately, I'm certainly no champion at it, and Akimiya doesn't know any. 

    Still, it's just one slightly possessed human to deal with. That shouldn't take much. Then we just return all the people he's kidnapped, and go home. Easy as . . . as . . . I can't feel a damned thing. "Akimiya, stay there for a minute," I say, gesturing him to back away. I creep up next to the house, free of Akimiya's stupid dampening field, and stretch my senses towards the house. 

    Fear . . . pain . . . and an underlying sense of desperation. 

    We definitely have the right house, and he definitely knows we're coming. 

    Ofuda in hand, I beckon for Akimiya to join me and we go inside. 

    It's over fairly quickly; a few simple spells take care of him, though there's trouble when he runs at Akimiya with a knife and my new partner freezes. Demon is banished; the man who was possessed wakes up with, fortunately, little to no memory of the past week. We tell him he was one of the missing victims. No harm in lying. 

    The other victims are fairly quickly rescued and brought home. Akimiya is unhappy about something. I can tell. 

    "We should get back, I guess," he says. 

    I nod. "What are you so upset about?" 

    He shrugs. "Just have a vague feeling I didn't convince you that I wasn't vapid." 

    I pause. "Why, because you froze up?" 

    For a long second, he doesn't answer. Then he nods. 

    "Don't worry about it," I say. "You should have seen me on my first mission. Muraki summoned up a dragon-spirit of some sort and it lunged right at me. And what did I do? I stood there and stared at it. Tsuzuki had to knock me out of the way." 

    "Big difference between a dragon spirit and a ugly guy with a knife," Akimiya says. 

    I shrug. "Mortal danger is mortal danger. Though, for the record, you have to get used to the fact that taking a knife wound isn't going to kill you." 

    Pause. "Have you ever almost been . . . uhm, killed a second time, so to speak?" 

    I have to smile a little at the way he phrases it. "A few times, yes." 

    He sighs. "I guess it will take some getting used to." 

    "A lot of getting used to." I want to ask how he died, and why he became a Shinigami, but that's simple bad manners. We don't ask these questions of each other. Tsuzuki asked me how I died, and I saw the horrified look Gushoshin gave him; that was a rather major faux pas on Tsuzuki's part. Sometimes his curiosity gets the better of him. But he never asked me why I became a Shinigami -- telling him that was my own choice. 

    For the same reason, I know very little about Tatsumi-san's past and next to nothing about Watari's. Most of what I know about Tsuzuki never would have been discovered if it hadn't been for Muraki. We all have our reasons, and that's all we need to know about each other. 

    All we want to know about each other is a different story. 

    "Come on," I finally say. "We need to get back." 

    "Did I pass?" he asks. 

    "What?" 

    "Did I pass your test?" 

    I laugh. "Akimiya, you passed it before we ever got to the house. Now let's go. I want dinner." 

    And I miss Tsuzuki. 

~~~~ 

_And that's it for now. Ah, Akimiya -- the unavoidable OC. ::grins:: For the record, he's straight. And he's really not as obnoxious as he seems at first. _

Feedback? Pretty please? With a cherry on top? With, um, a gift-wrapped Tsuzuki or Hisoka of choice on top? 


	4. Chapter Three

_Author's Notes: Warnings: Angst, angst, more angst, and a cliffhanger._

Part Three 

    It's just past five when we get back to the office. Tatsumi-san is on his way out as we walk in, and stops. "Everything went all right?" he asks, readjusting his glasses. 

    "Oh, yeah, it was fine," I say. 

    Akimiya nods, looking a little shy. I'm surprised, but then I remember what he said about Tatsumi-san being a little edgy around him. Also to my surprise, I find myself feeling a little sorry for Akimiya. He certainly can't help what he is, at any rate. 

    "Is Tsuzuki still in?" I ask. 

    Tatsumi-san nods with a small smile. "And anxiously awaiting your return, I might add." 

    I smile back. "Let me guess; he was worried that I was going to get into trouble." 

    "That was the least of his worries," Tatsumi says calmly. He gives me an appraising look, then Akimiya. "But I think I managed to soothe most of his fears." 

    Damn it, Tatsumi-san knows something I don't. I hate that. And even if Akimiya wasn't here, I doubt I could read anything from him; Tatsumi-san keeps himself locked down pretty tightly. 

    "Well, go on," Akimiya says, and I realize I'm standing around like an idiot. "I'm anxious to meet Tsuzuki." 

    Tatsumi-san looks between us, then holds the door open for us. 

    "Ano . . ." I force myself to speak up. "Was he . . . okay? Last night?" 

    Tatsumi-san stops, and half-smiles. "He's certainly been better. But he's all right, yes." 

    "Did anyone . . .?" My voice trails off. I don't like to mother hen Tsuzuki, and even less do I like feeling stupid. And the patient look that Tatsumi-san is giving me right now is making me feel very stupid indeed. 

    "He stayed at my place," Tatsumi-san finally says. "So don't worry about it." 

    I nod in half-relief, half-embarrassment. "Aa. Thanks." 

    Tatsumi-san smiles. "See you tomorrow." 

    "Yeah," I say, and start weaving my way through the desks towards Watari's lab, with Akimiya in tow. 

    Tsuzuki looks up as we enter, and his eyes brighten a little, even if I can't feel any emotional response from him. I'm not used to reading people from their body language, damn it. "You're back." Ah, Tsuzuki, master of stating the obvious. I'm almost ashamed to admit how much I missed him. 

    "Yeah," I say. "How've you been?" For some reason, I have this urge to go over and give him a hug. Needless to say, I ignore it. 

    "I'm fine," Tsuzuki says, and gives Akimiya a questioning look. 

    "This is Sakamoto Akimiya," I say. "My new partner. Akimiya, this is Asato Tsuzuki." 

    Tsuzuki gives Akimiya his cheerful smile, then shakes his hand. "You two want to go out to dinner? I'm almost done here." 

    "Sure," Akimiya says. 

    Tsuzuki finishes up his work and we all troop off to Chijou so Tsuzuki can have some pie. 

    We settle quickly in one of Tsuzuki's favorite restaurants. Akimiya lingers behind for a minute as we go to the table and I'm fairly sure he did it on purpose. Tsuzuki is a mess of conflicting emotions; I'm almost glad that Akimiya is blocking it out most of the time. I can feel his relief that I'm back, pleasure in my company, and a mingling of relief, fear, jealousy, and guilt directed at Akimiya. 

    A puzzle, that. Relief that Akimiya is nice, that he and I are getting along well. Fear that I'll come to care more for Akimiya than for him. The jealousy is obvious, but the guilt a little less so. Is he guilty because he's jealous? I wonder if he was secretly hoping that Akimiya and I wouldn't get along well at all, so I would refuse to be his partner. 

    For all the simplicity in the way he acts, Tsuzuki is a remarkably complex person. I'd like to pin his down and ask him why he's agonizing over my new partner so much, but Akimiya comes to the table before I can do so. 

    "So you two were partners for a while?" Akimiya asks, sipping his tea. We're just out for dessert, but Akimiya is apparently very fond of tea. 

    "Almost two years," Tsuzuki says with a nod. "Now I'm Watari's lab rat." He laughs. It sounds rather forced. 

    Akimiya also laughs, sounding rather nervous. I'm going to knock their heads together in a minute. "I feel like an intruder, almost." 

    I pinch the bridge of my nose. This would really be a lot of easier if Tsuzuki and Akimiya could just hit it off and be instant friends or something. 

    "I'm sure Hisoka doesn't think so," Tsuzuki says, trying to smile. 

    Akimiya doesn't look so sure. "He cares for you an awful lot, you know," he says. 

    Wonderful. My cheeks are a brilliant shade of stop sign. I'm going to keel over and die. At least Tsuzuki is blushing, too. 

    "Of course I know that," Tsuzuki says, looking distinctly uncomfortable. 

    Akimiya raises an eyebrow. "Then why are you looking at me like I'm asking to marry your youngest daughter?" 

    I can't help it. I let out a rather loud snicker. 

    Tsuzuki blushes even deeper. "I'm not," he says uneasily, giving me a look that borders on being dirty. "I have no claim to Hisoka. He was just my partner." 

    "There's no 'just' about that," Akimiya said. "You two were obviously really important to each other, and I don't want to interfere with that." 

    My cheeks are burning. "Akimiya, shut up," I say. "You're embarrassing me." 

    "Fine," Akimiya says. "I just wanted to let it be known that Hisoka and I aren't going to elope." 

    I let out another loud snicker. Tsuzuki turns pinker. 

    "For one thing, I'm straight," Akimiya adds. 

    I look at Tsuzuki, having never really thought to wonder about his preferences. I mean, he's been having enough trouble with Muraki, that I didn't want to bring up anything that had anything to do with sex. I never really figured mine out either; I was only sixteen when I died. So what does that mean about our future relationship? 

    Tsuzuki starts looking very flustered. "Hisoka and I aren't – I mean, it isn't – we're not – " He breaks off and digs into his pie, looking very uneasy. 

    "I didn't say you were," Akimiya says with a shrug, but he has that look which means he thinks he knows better. 

    "You implied it," I tell him. 

    "I didn't mean to." 

    "You did too." I've decided that I don't care, and take another bite of the small piece of cake I ordered. 

    Tsuzuki is apparently still very bothered by this; my empathy certainly isn't necessary to tell me that. I wish I could tell what he was feeling exactly, though. 

    "Well, sorry," Akimiya says, sounding unremorseful. 

    Tsuzuki eats in silence for another five minutes, before pushing his plate aside and saying sullenly that he's no longer hungry. I'm not sure I've ever seen him turn down pie before. The three of us leave the restaurant. 

    "Tsuzuki, do you want me to stay over tonight?" I ask. 

    "No," he says curtly. 

    I hesitate. "Are you sure?" Part of me wants to stay with him very badly. I just got back, and I want to be near him. I'm afraid that my own nightmares will be bad enough, let alone his. 

    "I'm sure," he says shortly. 

    Akimiya winces and gives me an apologetic look. I shrug; it's not really his fault that Tsuzuki is being ridiculous. Well, perhaps it is, but he was only trying to help. 

    "All right," I say, and we go our separate ways. 

~~~~~ 

    It's very warm where I am. I think I'm standing in some sort of field. I think I'm dreaming. I think I've had this dream before. I can see Tsuzuki. His eyes are so purple. So beautiful. I never really thought of Tsuzuki as beautiful before. But he is. It's the eyes. I know why Muraki was so obsessed with him. It's because he's so beautiful. 

    But I can't see his eyes now, because he's not looking at me. So I call to him. I love the sound of his name, especially when I say it. I love the way he says my name, too. Does that make me weird? Or sappy? 

    Tsuzuki, please turn around and look at me. Why won't he look at me? I'm scared, Tsuzuki. I need you with me. I didn't want to admit it, but I do. Please look at me. He's walking away. Why is he walking away? Please, Tsuzuki, don't leave me here, I'm scared. I couldn't take it if you left me. 

    Maybe he doesn't care about me anymore, maybe he's afraid I care about him too much, I don't know how he feels about me and what would I do if he didn't care about me anymore? What'll I do if he leaves me? He is leaving me, I can see him walking away and I call, no, I scream, because I don't want him to leave me. 

    And finally he turns around to look at me. His eyes are so cold. He doesn't love me. I can tell just by looking at him that he doesn't love me and I'm scared, I'm scared because I don't think I could live without him, I never should have let myself start caring about anyone but I couldn't help it because he's so perfect and what am I supposed to do? I can't just let him walk away but his eyes are so cold that they're freezing me right through and I'm stuck here rooted to the spot. 

    So I can only stand there with both arms reaching out to him as he turns and walks away. And gradually my arms fall to my sides. They feel like lead weights. My heart feels like a lead weight in my chest. I think I'm going to cry. Because he's leaving me. Maybe I'll skip crying and just crawl into bed and never get up again. 

~~~~ 

    

    I have been pacing back and forth for a half hour, shivering and wearing a track in my carpet. I couldn't sleep after the dream that I had. I want to go over to Tsuzuki's, but it's a long walk when you consider that Tsuzuki probably doesn't even want to see me. And that makes me want to cry. So I think I will. I sit down in the middle of the floor and cry. I feel like a baby, and I want Tsuzuki. I want him to be near me so badly that it makes it hurt to breathe. 

    The phone rings. It's probably Akimiya. He probably knows I had a horrible nightmare and wants to make sure I'm okay. It would be like him. Replacing Tsuzuki without trying to replace him. While trying not to replace him. 

    Phone. Answer the phone. Can I answer the phone without crying? I'm having a hard time keeping myself together here. Phone. It's on the fifth ring. I scoop it up. "Kurosaki desu," I manage. 

    For a second, there's nothing. Then a voice says, "I didn't think you were going to pick up . . ." 

    "Tsuzuki? Is that you?" I sit down on the floor again, because my knees feel weak. I think I'm going to cry again. 

    "It's me," Tsuzuki says. "I know that I really shouldn't ask this after how I treated you tonight, but I-I had this dream and . . ." 

    "I'll be over as soon as I can," I say. "Okay?" 

    "H-Hai," he says. "Thank you." 

    I pull on my shoes and leave. 

~~~~ 

    I'm not sure I've ever made the walk to Tsuzuki's so quickly. I don't run, because I'm still tired after only two hours of sleep. But I walk quickly, because it's cold and it's dark and I'm still a little weirded out by the dream. I don't want to admit that I was scared. So I'm firmly denying it. I have to seem strong for Tsuzuki; he needs me right now. 

    He's waiting for me in the front hall, wrapped in a blanket and sipping a mug of cocoa. "Thank you for coming," he says. His voice is trembling just a tiny bit, so little that someone who didn't know him very well might not notice. But I notice. So I give him a hug, and he clings to me, and we end up sinking to the floor right there in the cold hallway. 

    Tsuzuki is crying. I think I am too. He's talking, but it's kind of hard to understand what he's saying. I think he's apologizing. Yes. That's it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so awful to you at dinner but I don't want Akimiya to take you away from me . . ." He sniffles, wiping his eyes. "I never feel like myself these days," he finally manages. 

    I reach up and brush the tears off his cheeks. "How much of yourself did we ever see anyway?" I ask. I'm well aware that the way Tsuzuki acted when I first met him was at least half an act. 

    "I don't know." Tsuzuki rests his head on my shoulder. "I just hate feeling so weak all the time." 

    "You're not weak." I hug him tighter. "You've just been having a hard time. That's all." 

    "But the way I treated you tonight . . ." 

    "Shh. I understand." I understand better than anyone. "C'mon, let's go upstairs." 

    Tsuzuki lets me help him up the stairs and into his bedroom. It feels like forever and a day since I've been there. I sit him down on the bed and plop down next to him, pulling him into my arms again. He nestles right into them, apparently having given up on all semblance of dignity. I wish I could stay with him all night, but I can't risk it. I'd hate to think what kind of dreams I would have. 

    But for some reason I just can't bear to let him go, so I sit there, awake, all night long, holding him and letting him sleep peacefully. He doesn't have any more nightmares while I'm there, and that makes it worth it. 

~~~~~ 

    By the time this great lump named Tsuzuki hauls himself out of bed the next morning, I'm already up, showered, and dressed. I also have breakfast ready. Tsuzuki proclaims his undying love for me, which makes me blush, and digs in. He was always fond of Western food, and pancakes are far easier than most Japanese dishes. 

    I was up all night thinking about what Akimiya had said. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he implied – very heavily – that Tsuzuki and I were a couple of romantic inclination. I won't lie and say I'd never thought about Tsuzuki that way; it had occurred to me a couple times. But given what we've both been through, a romance never seemed . . . well, practical. 

    I decide to try to clear the air a little bit. "Um . . . about yesterday . . ." 

    Tsuzuki stops eating and looks vaguely uncomfortable. 

    "I'm sure Akimiya didn't mean to imply anything about . . . about us," I say quickly. "He was just trying to help. Because you seemed awfully nervous. I mean . . . I don't know what I mean." Him, nervous? I'm so nervous that my face is turning scarlet. Damn blush reflex will be the death of me yet. "Never mind." 

    Tsuzuki laughs uneasily. "Don't worry about it, Hisoka. Akimiya just hasn't known us very long. We're pretty easy to misunderstand." 

    I feel an odd sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, as if it's trying to reach my shoes. I don't know why. That should be exactly what I wanted to hear, right? Akimiya was wrong, but it wasn't my fault, and Tsuzuki isn't mad at me. So why does it feel like my heart is breaking? 

    "Thanks for staying last night," he says quietly, into the silence. "Why didn't you go to sleep?" 

    "Well, because I couldn't if we were in the same bed," I say, trying to keep a matter-of-fact tone of voice. I don't add the bit about how I didn't want to let him go. He can infer whatever he wants. 

    Unfortunately, the dimwit chooses to plow onward. "So why didn't you move?" 

    "Because I figured that if I stayed with you, you wouldn't have any more nightmares." Not the entire truth, but as close as I can come without betraying myself. Tsuzuki obviously doesn't want any relationship of that sort with me, so it's better to act like I don't want one either. And maybe, while I'm doing so, I'll figure out whether or not I do want that sort of relationship. 

    "Oh," Tsuzuki says. 

    Without much other discussion, we finish eating and get ready for work. He's started his normal light chatter again. I listen without enthusiasm. I feel kind of dull inside. It's a similar feeling to being dead, if that makes any sense. Or maybe just emotionally dead. It's the same way I felt when I thought I had lost him. Just less so. 

    Akimiya is waiting in the tiny office we now share, after I see Tsuzuki off to Watari's lab. "I'm sorry about last night," is how he greets me. 

    I force a smile. "Don't worry about it. I know you were only trying to help. And anyway, Tsuzuki and I talked it over this morning and everything's fine now." Right. I'll just keep telling myself that. Everything is completely, totally fine. I don't feel like I'm dead all over again. Actually, come to think of it, I felt this way most of my life, too. Cut off and abandoned. 

    Akimiya gives me a steady look. "Fine for him or fine for you?" 

    Damn the man. No one is allowed to be that perceptive; I don't care who they are. "It's fine," I say firmly, between ground teeth. 

    "I hope so," Akimiya says, and tosses me a folder. "Because we've got another job. We'll probably be gone at least a week." 

    Great. Must remember not to punch him. "Oh," I say, looking through the folder. Wonderful. Death, mayhem, and destruction. So what else is new. I put the folder down. "Well, let's go." 

    "You don't want to say goodbye?" 

    "No." 

    "Are you sure?" 

    "Akimiya, shut the hell up. I know what I'm doing." I'm in such a bad mood. I'm going to hit him. I really am. Or start crying. I'm not sure which. 

    "If you say so." 

    The two of us leave the office and I nearly walk right into Tatsumi-san. "Are you two leaving already?" he asks. "We haven't even had the staff meeting about the case yet." 

    "It's all in the folder, right?" Staff meeting means seeing Tsuzuki, and I don't want to see Tsuzuki. Not when I'm this depressed. I'd probably end up crying on his shoulder and spilling everything. There are certain things I don't really want him knowing; he's too hurt right now for me to make it worse. 

    "Well, yes." Tatsumi-san looks concerned, to say the least. 

    "Then we'll be fine." 

    He is completely unconvinced. I can tell. Fortunately for me, Tatsumi-san is never one for prying. "All right. Let us know if you need anything." 

    I mumble something that Tatsumi-san will probably assume is a thank you, and Akimiya and I set off for Chijou. 

    Safely out of Tsuzuki's reach, we sit down in a café while I look over the folder. A classic haunted house. Interesting. Except the children who keep going to look at it keep either disappearing or turning up in rather bad condition afterwards. Even more interesting. And – this sets my hair on end – most of the older ones have been raped as well. 

    "What happened between you and Tsuzuki?" 

    I'm so busy lost in some less than pleasant memories that Akimiya takes me entirely off guard and I jump. "Huh?" 

    He repeats himself. 

    "Oh, nothing. It turned out he had a nightmare and I went over to stay with him." 

    "You look tired." 

    "I didn't sleep." I take a sip of my tea. "If Tsuzuki and I touch when we sleep, I get sucked into his nightmares. So I had to stay awake all night so I could be near him." 

    "Then why are you looking like your dog just died?" Akimiya asks. 

    I sigh. "Akimiya, have you ever heard of a little thing called tact?" 

    "Yes, and you don't possess an ounce of it either. Now answer my question." 

    I roll my eyes. "Nothing. What I said earlier. We discussed what you had said at dinner, and it's fine now. He misunderstood you. Or maybe you misunderstood us." 

    Akimiya is giving me a close look. "It must be the former, because I'm fairly certain I didn't misunderstand either of you." 

    I should've talked this over with Tatsumi-san. He would've been far more comforting. And saying that Tatsumi-san is more comforting than someone else is saying a lot. "Tsuzuki and I are not a romantic couple." 

    "I know. And that's why you're so depressed." 

    I raise an eyebrow. "What makes you think that?" 

    "Because I'm guessing that you and Tsuzuki discussed what I had said, and he brushed it off like it had never occurred to him." 

    He's right. I hate him. 

    "And because you want to be part of a romantic relationship with him, the way he did this hurt you." 

    "You see a lot in those damn dreams of yours," I snap. 

    "Give me a break. I saw all this between you at dinner last night." 

    "I'm glad you're that perceptive. It'll be a great help on the cases." 

    Akimiya sighs. "I'm trying to help." 

    "By making Tsuzuki become terrified of me?" I ask. "He doesn't want romance. Not with what happened to him. And I don't either!" I fume into my tea. 

    Akimiya gives me a long, steady look. "You're in love with him." 

    I choke on my tea. "I'm what?!" 

    "You heard me. You're in love with him. Desperately. Hopelessly. You love him so much you don't know what to do with yourself. And he loves you too. He just doesn't know it yet." 

    I'm turning bright red, but I can't resist that comment. I'll try to deal with the rest of it later. "You really think he does?" 

    "Of course he does. But as you said, with what he's been through, he's not ready for something like that. He has to have time to realize that this won't blow up in his face like everything else has." 

    I take a long drink of my tea, processing this. I'll need to process it more later, though, because if we don't get going soon, it'll be dusk. And I'm not going after dark. 

    "I'll think about it," I promise. 

    Akimiya rolls his eyes. "From you I expected no better." 

~~~~ 

    I certainly don't see why anyone would ever want to explore this place. It looks just like any dilapidated old house. According to the file, rumors that it's haunted have been circulating for years. But it's only recently that the deaths and disappearances started. About a week and a half ago, to be precise. While Tsuzuki and I were still on vacation. 

    But I can't afford to think about Tsuzuki right now. I've got enough problems. 

    I stare up at the house. Right. I can't feel the emotions in my left thumb, let alone inside. "Akimiya, back off a bit, okay?" 

    "Sure." Akimiya walks a good thirty feet away, allowing me to stretch my empathy up towards the house. There's a lingering residue of pain and fear, but nothing fresh. I'm ninety-nine percent sure that it's empty. 

    I beckon to Akimiya and he walks back over. "It's empty," I say. "I'm almost positive." 

    Even so, I have ofuda in my hand as we walk into the house. The floorboards creak underneath us. Everything is covered in a thick layer of dust. Akimiya sneezes, then whispers an apology. It looks like no one has been here for a very long time. 

    We walk through the house and see nothing of consequence. I'm at a loss; this is the most likely place to get any sort of information. So we go upstairs, which creak underneath us so loudly that I cling to the banister in case they collapse. 

    It's familiar. It doesn't look familiar. But the feel of it is familiar. "Akimiya," I say again, and he immediately takes a few steps backwards without my asking. It definitely feels familiar. I follow the whispers of emotion down the hall, with Akimiya trailing behind. 

    I end up at the door at the end of the hall. Push it open. I'm so nervous that my hands are shaking, but I don't know why. It feels familiar. It feels wrong. 

    The room is empty except for a wooden chair and table. There's something sitting on the table. 

    A porcelain doll. 

    My breathing catches in my throat. The world is going that grainy gray that it always seems to when I think Muraki is nearby. That's what it feels like. This house has Muraki's feel to it. I want out, and I want out now. 

    One thing first, though. Tsuzuki and I have always been a game to Muraki. The doll is a clue. He wouldn't have left it otherwise. We'd better take it with us. Maybe we could hold it for ransom. 

    Akimiya is still a good bit behind me. I'll just grab the doll and go. 

    It's pretty. Golden curls and a purple dress. Bright blue eyes. There's a crack running through one of her cheeks. Repaired. Muraki and his dolls. 

    I reach out and scoop it up. The dress slips downward and I notice something odd. Red on its neck. My hands are shaking even harder now. I pull the dress further down and see the marks, then pull it off completely. The doll has a set of red marks on its chest. Identical to the ones on mine. The curse. The doll is cursed. 

    I drop it, but it's already too late. There's pain running through every vein in my body, like there's hot metal in them instead of blood. I'm screaming. I know I'm screaming but I can't hear myself. All I can hear is the pounding of my heart. 

    Then, very faintly, I see the floor rushing up to meet me. By the time I meet it, everything is dark. 

~~~~~ 

_Okay. Um, yeah. So who wants to kill me? Death threats make me write faster. Honest._


	5. Chapter Four

_BIG HUGE WARNING: This part is evil. Like really evil. There's nothing really *graphic* ((since Hisoka isn't an exhibitionist in any sense of the word)) but there's definitely bad stuff happening here, boys and girls. Not for the faint of heart. _

Also, if there's anything here that doesn't make sense, I promise it'll be explained later. 

Part Four 

    Open my eyes. Right. That's it, focus. The world is blurry. My head is throbbing. This might actually qualify as the worst headache I've ever had in my life. Which is tough, because I've had some really bad ones when my empathy gets out of control. Why am I thinking about my head? As long as it's still attached to my body, I shouldn't worry about it. Focusing. Or at least attempting to focus. The world is too bright; it hurts my eyes. Sunlight. It's streaming in from a window. I can see the dust particles dancing in the beam. Where am I? 

    My scars are burning. They don't do that very often. The last time I can recall it happening was the last time I saw Muraki. They do it sometimes when he's around. Tsuzuki said he believed I could beat him someday. I don't think it's going to be today. 

    I can feel him in the room. There's no mistaking his presence. But if I can feel him, that means that Akimiya is gone. My empathy is definitely operating at full strength, and cheerfully contributing to my headache. So where is Akimiya? He wouldn't have just gone off somewhere. And where am I? I'm strapped down to a lab bed. I think there must be a pretty strong spell on the straps, because I can't get free no matter how hard I try. Just like in Tsuzuki's dream. Don't think about Tsuzuki. Don't think about never telling Tsuzuki how you feel. Don't think at all. 

    Why do my scars hurt so much? Scars . . . the doll. Right. The doll was cursed. Just like Muraki to do something like that. But what happened after I passed out? And where is Muraki, anyway? I can feel him, but I can't see him. 

    I shouldn't have wondered. Ask and ye shall receive. He comes out from behind me, where he was apparently lurking in a corner. Lurking is something he does very well. Fortunately, his bad eye is hidden behind a curtain of hair. 

    We look at each other for a second. 

    Then Muraki lets out a low chuckle. "I've missed you." Then he reaches out and runs a hand down my cheek. A caress. I can't hold back the shudder. 

    Words. Think of something to say. I've always taken refuge in sharp words. Keeping everyone at bay, even those who care about me. Funny that they're failing me now. "What have you done to me?" Ah, excellent start. Let him see how confused I am. 

    "Not much . . . yet." He's still touching me, his fingers playing with my hair and tracing my cheekbones. I flinch backwards, away, but only succeed in pressing myself against the bed. "You just woke up, after all . . . there's only so much I can do with an unconscious person." 

    "That didn't stop you when it was Tsuzuki," I snap. Why did I bring Tsuzuki up? I'm trying not to think about Tsuzuki. 

    Muraki chuckles again. "I think Tsuzuki-san enjoyed himself more than you want to admit." 

    I nearly choke on the tide of anger that rises to my throat. I know he's just baiting me, and I should pay no attention. I also know that Tsuzuki didn't enjoy himself. Looking into Tsuzuki's nightmares was proof enough of that. "He hates you," I manage to spit out. 

    Muraki's eyes flicker with something unrecognizable. "Tsuzuki-san will never hate me," he says calmly, "because I am the only one that understands him." 

    "You just think so," I grind out between clenched teeth. "But just because Tsuzuki has purple eyes doesn't mean he's not human." 

    "Oh?" Muraki raises an eyebrow. He's so elegant. I hate him even more. "What about the fact that he lived so long without aging?" 

    "I don't know what that means," I admit, "but you can't convince me that Tsuzuki is like you. Maybe he isn't normal, but he's still a good person inside, and you . . . you're evil, you're so evil that you make my skin crawl when you're nearby. Tsuzuki is nothing like you." 

    Muraki smiles, which is probably number one on the list of creepy things I've seen lately. "You seem to be defending him quite vehemently." 

    There's nothing I can say to that. 

    "Have the two of you come to a little . . . understanding?" Muraki asks. I wish he would stop touching me. Or if he has to, at least keep it to my face and leave the buttons on my shirt alone. 

    I manage to meet his gaze evenly. "Tsuzuki and I are friends. Nothing less, nothing more." 

    Muraki just looks back. "I saw the way you were looking at him last time, you know. Don't think I didn't notice. Your feelings for him are no more pure than mine." 

    "That's not true." My voice is still steady, but it won't be long now before it starts to tremble. 

    Muraki laughs. "Don't get so high and mighty with me. You want him just as much as I do." 

    "It's not like that." I manage to choke out words, but it's a struggle. My throat is closing up. 

    "Tsuzuki-san doesn't want someone like you, you know," Muraki says, still playing with the buttons on my shirt. "Even if you did manage to convince him that he loves you – and perhaps he even does, to some limited extent – you wouldn't last very long. Tsuzuki-san doubts too much. He would doubt that you loved him, and even more he would doubt that he deserves you. Tsuzuki-san has hated himself too long to ever believe otherwise." 

    I can't speak. 

    "I'm the only one he would ever be content with," Muraki continues. "It's just the way he is. He wants to be hurt, to be degraded, to be humiliated. That's what he thinks he deserves. I can provide that for him . . . and you can't. Tsuzuki-san wants to be miserable, and you want him to be happy. A relationship like that is doomed from the start." 

    I open my mouth. I'll tell him how wrong he is, how Tsuzuki and I will be just fine, how Tsuzuki hates him with every fiber in his being. But all the words just catch in my throat. I can barely draw in air. Because in a way, I know he's right. Tsuzuki didn't have to let Muraki hurt him like that in Kyoto. 

    But he did. 

    Because that was what he believed he deserved. 

    "I'm sure he'll be here soon enough," Muraki says, sounding amused. "He always comes swooping in to rescue you. It's his arrival that I'm really looking forward to. Do you want him to come for you? Or are you hoping he doesn't, so he won't see me? You needn't bother worrying about it. He'll come; we both know he will. But in the meantime . . . I'll content myself playing with you." 

    I close my eyes. 

    Try to close my mind. 

    And pray for Tsuzuki to come quickly, while also praying for him to not come at all. 

~~~~~ 

    Hurt. I hurt. Where am I? I can't remember. My scars are burning. Why are my scars burning? I smell blood. I feel blood. I think it's dripping down my face. I'm bleeding. Why am I bleeding? I don't remember. I just hurt. Where's Tsuzuki? I'd really like Tsuzuki to be here right about now. But I don't know where I am. 

    Cold, too. Very cold. There's something digging into my arm. I want it to go away. But I can't move. Why can't I move? I don't like this. I don't like this and I can feel panic rising in my throat and I don't usually panic but I'm definitely panicking now and -- 

    Eyes open. 

    All I can see is the ceiling. Rafters above me. Dust is drifting down from them. I can see cobwebs in the corners. The ceiling isn't telling me where I am. So where am I? And why am I so cold? And why do I hurt? 

    Surveying self. No clothes. That would account for being cold. No sheet, either. I don't sleep naked. I don't like being naked; I feel unprotected. And usually I don't sleep with my arms tied down, either . . . 

    What the hell?! 

    Oh God. Oh God I know where I am now. I remember. I remember Muraki and I think I'm crying but why hasn't Tsuzuki come? I don't want Tsuzuki to come because I don't want Muraki to find him but I want Tsuzuki to come because I'm scared, I'm scared and Muraki hurt me and I know he'll only hurt me again if Tsuzuki doesn't come and I think if Muraki touches me again I'll just lose my mind. 

    Except I think I'm already losing it because I can't think straight, the world is starting to spin and I'm hyperventilating, I'm light-headed and I'm so scared, I thought Muraki didn't scare me anymore but I was wrong and I want Tsuzuki I need him here and I can't believe I never told him that I loved him because now I don't think I'll ever get the chance because Muraki's just going to kill me and 

    He's back. 

    He looks impeccable as always, straightening his tie a little as he walks into the room. Hatred boils up inside me, so strong that I can barely breathe, and my scars throb, taking my breath away. But at least my mind feels a little clearer. 

    Muraki looks at me for a long second. 

    "He's not here yet," he finally says. 

    I don't trust myself to answer. 

    "He should have come by now." Muraki doesn't sound irritated, or even confused. He is merely stating a fact, which he apparently didn't expect. 

    The tears that have been threatening spill over, running down my cheeks. I wish I could wipe them away, but my hands are still strapped to the bed. 

    Muraki smirks, stepping forward and brushing the tears off my cheeks. "You're nearly as pretty as him, you know . . . you would never do for long-term, but you're so much fun to play with." 

    I'm shivering. My whole body is shivering, and my skin is crawling. He's so twisted than when he touches me, he leaks in through my skin and makes my stomach churn. I think I may be sick. Thinking about what he did . . . what he's going to do again if Tsuzuki doesn't come . . . 

    Don't think about it. Don't think about it. 

    His hands . . . he's . . . 

    I can't do this anymore . . . 

~~~~ 

    oh God 

        hurts  
please don't hurt me 

    leave me alone I'm so scared please don't touch me I'm scared I'm scared I didn't want this again oh please God 

        Tsuzuki where are you I need you 

you said you wouldn't let him hurt me like this anymore you said we'd be okay you said I wouldn't be hurt any more you said you said you said 

            you never said you loved me  
  
  
  
  


Tsuzuki I love you 

I love you   
  
  


            where are you? 

oh God no he's 

    he's   
  
  
  
  
  


someone please help me I don't care who anymore but there has to be someone I'm going crazy I think I'm really going crazy and he's I can't think about what he's doing but it hurts and I thought I wouldn't have to go through this again and Tsuzuki where are you where are you WHERE ARE YOU I NEED YOU 

~~~~ 

    "He isn't here yet." 

    please don't touch me please don't touch me please don't touch me 

    "Why isn't he here yet?" 

    I don't know please don't hurt me I don't know honestly I don't 

    "What could possibly make him want to abandon his dear partner?" 

    please don't talk about him like that he's coming I know he'll come for me there just must be some reason that he hasn't come yet but I know he'll come if I can wait long enough 

    "He had best be here soon." 

    oh please I know what you'll do if he isn't here and I'm scared and I don't want you to touch me anymore 

    "Until then . . ." 

    oh God 

someone is screaming 

        oh wait   
  


it's me. 

~~~~~ 

    It's very quiet. 

    He hasn't come for hours now. It's been so long that I can even think straight again. It won't last. I'm going crazy. I know I am. 

    I can feel his presence now. He's close. My empathy has gone crazy. I can't stop projecting. I'm too scared and too tired. My shields are just unraveling. 

    "Tell me, boy," he says casually, stepping up beside me. "Why isn't he here yet?" 

    I manage scrape myself together enough to speak. My voice is hoarse from all the screaming. "I don't know." 

    "There must be a reason." Muraki is, as always, calm, collected, and reasonable. I hate him. "The last time I checked, you two were quite close. Did you have an argument?" 

    Funny how those words send a shock right through my body. 

    Muraki sees the look on my face. "You did." 

    "W-We didn't really." 

    "What happened?" 

    Hell if I'm going to tell him what happened between Tsuzuki and I. I don't care what he does to me; that's not something I care to divulge. 

    He gives me a long look. "You don't feel like discussing it? That's . . . unfortunate. I suppose we could find more entertaining ways of spending our time." 

    I have to take a few deep breaths before I can gather myself after that statement. 

    "Still, I can't imagine a simple argument would prevent him from coming to get you . . . or, if he didn't feel up to facing me, I'd think that uptight shadow master would be here by now." Muraki starts to pace the room, then faces me with a smirk. "It must have been quite an argument." 

    But Akimiya wasn't mad at me. No one was mad at me, really. Maybe Tsuzuki wouldn't want to come because I'm in love with him and I scared him, but Akimiya should have gotten somebody -- 

    "So what happened between yourself and my dear Tsuzuki-san?" 

    "Nothing." I have to grind the word out between clenched teeth. 

    Muraki raises an eyebrow. "If you're no longer suitable bait, you should tell me . . . I may even be inclined to let you go." 

    "That's likely," I snap. 

    "You have no idea how likely it is until you tell me." 

    I fix my eyes on the ceiling. "The discussion Tsuzuki and I had should have no bearing on whether or not someone will come to get me." 

    "Your eyes say differently." Muraki smiles. "I have you worried, don't I. You think that Tsuzuki-san has abandoned you." 

    "I do not!" That was a mistake. I shouldn't have yelled. He knows he's bothered me now. 

    Muraki just raises an eyebrow at me. 

    "It has nothing to do with it!" I'm still yelling. I really need to quit yelling. "He'll come, I know he will! He wouldn't just . . . leave me . . ." Oh God, the last thing I need now is to start crying. I force the tears back. But I'm starting to shiver. 

    "You're only trying to convince yourself, and you know it," Muraki says. 

    Shut up. Shut up shut up SHUT UP. 

    I try to stay calm. Force myself to be logical. Tsuzuki and I agreed that Akimiya was wrong and that was it. I never let him see that I was depressed or thought otherwise or was in love with him. Akimiya is the only one who knew all that. 

    Where the hell is Akimiya? 

    "No, you're wrong," I said coldly. "I disagreed with something Tsuzuki said, true, but I neither told him I disagreed nor let it affect the way I was acting. It shouldn't have any bearing on the current situation whatsoever." 

    I sound so calm. Amazing when my mind feels so shaky. 

    "But he hasn't come." 

    Four words. That's all. I look away. Seconds tick by. 

    "I don't think he's coming." 

    Silence. 

    Muraki smiles at me. "You know, after what Tsuzuki-san did in Kyoto, I became very curious about the nature of Touda's fire. The killing quality it has is really quite magnificent." 

    I don't like this. 

    "To be able to kill even a Shinigami is quite impressive. So I took it upon myself to find out exactly what it was about Touda's fire that makes it so lethal. After that, it was fairly easy to learn a spell to replicate it." 

    I really don't like this. 

    "Unfortunately, I haven't had a chance to test the spell yet." 

    Oh God. 

    "What do you think?" Muraki asks. "If I set you on fire, will Tsuzuki-san come for you then?" 

    I think my brain has frozen. 

    "Or will he let you burn?" 

    I'm going to die. 

    "Should we find out?" 

    I'm going to die just like Tsuzuki nearly did. 

    Muraki snaps his fingers. 

    I'm going to die because Tsuzuki doesn't care enough to come save me. 

    The flames leap up in a circle around me and start towards me with surprising speed. I can dimly see Muraki's face through them. I'm going to be killed twice by the same man. I can't . . . I can't let him . . . 

    I pull at the straps but they don't even budge. I can feel the flames licking away at the bed now. In a second they'll reach me. Just a second. Just a -- 

    oh God I don't think anything has ever hurt so much everything inside me is shutting down and I'm burning and I can't think anymore 

except that 

        Tsuzuki wherever you are 

I love you so much 

someone is screaming again 

    but this time it isn't me. 

~~~~~ 

_Right. Another cliffhanger. I'm surprised you people still read my stuff. XD Feedback? Please?_


	6. Chapter Five

_Warnings: Here's where it starts to get trippy, boys and girls. Any OOCness will be explained. There's the vaguest hint of lime, and a dash of NCS. Oh, and angst. Lots and lots of angst._

Part Five 

    "Hisoka. Hisoka, wake up. Breathe. Hisoka, you're not breathing." 

    voice . . . 

    "Hisoka, please. Open your eyes. Breathe. You need to breathe." 

    so familiar . . . 

    "Why isn't he breathing?" 

    you don't need to breathe when you're dead . . . 

    "Tatsumi-san, get some cold water." 

    cold . . . very cold . . . so distant, fuzzy . . . voices coming through about a mile of empty air . . . can't quite hear right . . . 

    oh, right, I'm dead . . . 

    COLD! 

    I'm wrenching out of someone's arms and I'm gasping for breath. Why am I gasping for breath? Dead people don't breathe. My face is cold. Someone threw cold water in my face. Where am I? What happened? 

    Arms around me, steadying me. The voice again. "That's it, take deep breaths. Don't rush it. Slowly." 

    I take a deep breath, trying to keep myself steady and opening my eyes. "C-Cold," I manage to stammer. Dead people can't talk. Am I dead or not? 

    "You went into shock. We're not quite sure what happened yet. More deep breaths." 

    I obey instinctively. My breathing is starting to even out now. My shaking is getting worse, though. But I recognize the voice and face. It's Akimiya. Where's Tsuzuki? I want Tsuzuki. He's here, though. I heard his voice. He asked why I wasn't breathing. 

    "Tsuzuki!" 

    "Shh, I'm right here." He's the one holding me. That's why I can't see him. His arms are around my waist. 

    "Tsuzuki, I thought you weren't going to come . . ." I hide my face in his shoulder. I'm shaking so hard that it's all I can do to cling to him. 

    Blankets. Someone is wrapping blankets around me. Watari. Everyone is here. Where am I? 

    I finally look around and take stock in my surroundings. I'm sitting on one of the beds in the infirmary. Tsuzuki is sitting behind me, holding me steady. Akimiya is in the chair next to the bed, looking tired. Tatsumi-san and Watari are both hovering. I'm so confused. 

    "How . . .?" 

    "Shhh. Don't try to talk quite yet," Tsuzuki advises. 

    Watari hands me a mug. "Drink this." 

    I drink it without question. It's tea, and it's so hot that it nearly burns my tongue. I don't mind. It warms me up from the inside. My shaking finally starts to relax a little. Then I suddenly remember everything that had happened. "Muraki -- " 

    "Just calm down," Tsuzuki says firmly, holding onto me tightly as I try to escape from his arms. 

    "But Muraki is -- " 

    "Muraki isn't here," Tsuzuki says. "You're safe now. It's okay." 

    I slump backwards into his arms. "What happened?" 

    The others look around at each other. Apparently Akimiya is elected to explain, because he leans forward a little in his chair. "What happened is, you went into that room at the end of the hall. I heard you screaming and ran inside. I found you in there, unconscious, and brought you back here." 

    What? 

    "You've been unconscious for three days now." 

    "But Muraki was -- " 

    "Let me finish." Akimiya holds up a hand to ward off my protests. "You were put under some sort of curse. When you fell unconscious, you got trapped inside a nightmare of your own creation." 

    "But -- " 

    "Apparently, Muraki returning and capturing you is your worst nightmare, and given what I've heard about him, I'm inclined to agree." Akimiya just talks right over me. 

    "How did I get here?" I ask, looking around. 

    "I brought you here while you were unconscious, remember?" Akimiya says. "I finally managed to wake you up when you died in the dream. I couldn't get in before that." 

    I blink at him. "Why not?" 

    "Because of the dampening field effect." For the first time, Akimiya looks frustrated. "When I'm near you, it shuts your empathy off. But if you're in a position where it's stronger than I am -- which it was because your pain and fear were fueling it -- then the result is that I just can't get near you. So while I was able to sit with you here, I couldn't get near you in the dream because of it. When you 'died', so to speak, it shut off long enough for me to get to you and yank you out." 

    My head is swimming. "But Muraki, he was right there, he . . . I know he was here . . ." 

    "It was a dream," Akimiya says, trying to sound soothing. "It was just a nightmare that seemed very real because you couldn't wake up." 

    I stare at him. 

    "Muraki was never here." 

    "But the doll!" 

    Akimiya blinks. "What doll?" 

    "The doll, in the room, the room at the end of the hall, that's how I got cursed, it had the marks on it." 

    Akimiya shakes his head. "The curse must have already taken hold by then. There was no doll when I got there, and that was just after you collapsed." 

    "But . . . the doll was Muraki's, and . . ." 

    Akimiya reaches out and gives me a little shake. "Muraki wasn't here, remember?" 

    "Oh yes," I say. My voice sounds very distant. "That's right. All a dream. It was all a dream." My voice cracks on every third word. I'm shaking like mad. And I think now I'm breathing too fast. 

    "Hisoka, you okay?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    "Oh, sure," I say. "Just fine." I take in little gasping breaths. The world is going gray and fuzzy. Pretty. Not as pretty as Tsuzuki. 

    DAMN! 

    "What the hell did you hit me for?" I demand of Akimiya, putting a hand to my stinging cheek. 

    "You were hyperventilating and approaching hysteria," Akimiya says matter-of-factly. "And I didn't have another glass of cold water handy." 

    "I didn't notice," I say vaguely. "You're sure that it really wasn't Muraki?" 

    "Well, we don't know who cursed the room," Akimiya says. "But Muraki was never here. He never laid a finger on you." 

    I nod slightly. Try to speak and can't. 

    Akimiya rests a hand on my shoulder for an instant. "It's over now, Hisoka. You're okay." 

    I manage another nod. 

    Tatsumi-san looks at Watari. "We should go let Kachou-san know that he's okay," he says. 

    Watari nods and the two of them leave the room. 

    Akimiya stands up and stretches. "You want more tea, Hisoka? You should eat something, too." 

    I nod. I don't feel very hungry, but I know I should eat. 

    Akimiya leaves the room. 

    Tsuzuki's arms tighten around me. "I was so worried about you," he murmurs right into my ear. 

    That, more than anything, makes me feel warm again. "Thank you." I nestle closer to him. I feel rather childish, but I don't care; it's so nice to be in his arms again. "I . . . I thought you weren't coming . . ." 

    "Why did you think that? Just because of what Akimiya said?" 

    I nod. "I thought . . . I don't know what I thought . . ." I have to tell him, I have to tell him now before I lose my nerve, because I realized that I don't want to put it off any longer. If I keep putting it off, I may never get the chance. "Tsuzuki . . . I-I . . . I'm . . ." Spit it out. Deep breath. "I'm in love with you." 

    His whole body tenses next to me. 

    "I'm sorry," I say miserably. "I know you don't want me. Not like that. But I couldn't stand the thought of never telling you." 

    He relaxes a little. His shields are up very strongly, but I think I'm glad of that; I don't need to be feeling his emotions right now. I'm having enough trouble sorting out my own. "It's okay," he says. "I don't mind." 

    "Are you sure?" I pull away a little to face him. "I mean, I know it could get sort of awkward, but . . ." 

    "Shh," he whispers. He looks at me for a second, then away. "Hisoka . . . I don't really know how I feel about you. I just know that you're very special to me, and I don't want to lose you. And if that's enough for you . . . I like being with you." 

    "It's enough . . ." That's about all I can manage. 

    He leans forward a little and his lips just barely brush over mine. Forget warm, now I'm burning all over, from my toes up to my hair. 

    And Akimiya walks in. 

    He doesn't voice any surprise at seeing us in what could technically be a compromising position. But he doesn't leave, either. He just walks over and puts the tray of food on my lap. 

    I'm blushing fiercely, so I turn away and start eating. As soon as the first bite passes my lips, I realize that I'm starving and start to shovel the food in my mouth. By the time I'm done eating again, I'm ready for some real sleep. 

    I curl up against Tsuzuki's chest, hoping he doesn't go anywhere, and close my eyes. 

    There's a long period of silence. 

    Tsuzuki shifts a little. "I think he's asleep." 

    "Yeah," Akimiya agrees. 

    "You . . ." Tsuzuki sounds terribly hesitant. "You won't tell any of the others, will you?" 

    I try not to flinch. 

    Akimiya is silent a long minute. "Why do you care if they know you were kissing Hisoka?" 

    "Because . . . well . . ." 

    "They won't care, you know. They'll be happy for you." 

    "I'm just not ready for that . . ." Tsuzuki says softly. 

    "Then why did you kiss him?" Akimiya asks, just as softly. 

    "Because . . . that was what he wanted . . ." 

    Akimiya heaves a sigh. "Don't do that to him, Tsuzuki. He doesn't want you to kiss him because he wants you to. He wants you to kiss him because you want to. And it would be unfair for you to give him anything otherwise." 

    "I'm sorry," Tsuzuki says. 

    "You don't need to be sorry," Akimiya replies. "You just need to figure out where your heart really is." 

    Silence. 

    Akimiya yawns. "Anyway, I need a nap. Wake me if you need me. And when he falls asleep, you should probably move so he doesn't have your nightmares again." 

    When he . . . 

    Akimiya knew I was awake. 

    Tsuzuki doesn't seem to catch the statement, though. He just hugs me a little tighter and stays silent as I listen to Akimiya's footsteps as he leaves the room. 

    "Where my heart is," Tsuzuki says quietly to nobody. 

    And then I fall asleep. 

~~~~~ 

    When I wake up again, I feel completely fine, except for the fact that my scars still ache. It's annoying and I don't know what might have caused it; perhaps some interaction between the two curses. Tsuzuki is sound asleep with his arms still wrapped around my waist, which confuses me. Not only should I have gotten sucked into his dreams if we slept like this, but his movements would have woken me anyway. It's hardly believable that he didn't have any nightmares. 

    Then I see Akimiya asleep in the chair next to the bed, and I understand. He must have stayed and held off our nightmares. I'll have to remember to thank him later. Right now, however, I have no desire to wake him. 

    I crawl out of bed. I'm hungry and thirsty and stiff from being in bed so long. "Watari?" 

    Watari pokes his head in from where he's been puttering. "How are you feeling?" he asks. 

    "Better. Am I all right to get out of bed?" I really don't want to lie around any longer, but I don't want to wander off if I'm not fully recovered. 

    He gives me a quick look. "You should be. I mean, Akimiya said that when he woke you up, that should have broken the curse. But if you have any problems at all, I want you right back in here, 'kay?" 

    I nod. 

    "And make sure you eat breakfast!" he lectures. "There are donuts and coffee in the main office last time I checked." 

    I wave him off. "Hai, hai . . . don't wake the other two, okay? They look exhausted." 

    "I won't," he promises. 

    I leave in search of breakfast. No sooner have I found a donut and cup of hot tea, does Konoe-kachou ask to speak to me. After I give him a full summary of what happened -- most of which he knew already from Akimiya, but I suppose a second opinion is never a bad thing -- he lets me go. 

    "Hisokaaaaa! You got up without me!!" Tsuzuki bounds into the office. 

    I give him a look that I know is coming off as patient affection. Damn it. "You were tired," I say. "I've been sleeping a lot; you probably haven't been sleeping at all. I didn't want to wake you." 

    I'm not sure if Tsuzuki heard a word of that, though, because he's spotted the chocolate-frosted donut I'm holding. 

    "There are more over there," I say, motioning with my cup of tea. "I'm hungry; you can't have this one." 

    He bounces over. When he's returned, he's gone completely serious. It always startles me when he shifts mood so abruptly like that, no matter how many times I see him do it. "Ne, Hisoka . . ." 

    "What?" I finish my donut and feel pleasantly full. It's nice to have a small, low-maintainence stomach. 

    "Are you going to be going home tonight?" 

    I blink. I hadn't really thought that far ahead. "Well, yeah. I suppose. Konoe-kachou said I wouldn't have to go back to the mission for a few days, so they could be sure I was really all right. Why do you ask?" 

    Tsuzuki looks at the floor, turning slightly pink, then mumbles, "Can I stay over? Or will you come to my house?" 

    I'm still blinking. "Of course," I say. "You know you don't need to ask me for that." 

    "I just thought -- after last night -- " Tsuzuki stops abruptly. 

    I sigh. "Tsuzuki, what happened last night doesn't matter. I'm still your friend, and I still want to be sure you're okay. I don't want to let anything come between us. Okay?" 

    He smiles, looking a little vulnerable. "Okay." Then he grins again. "Sankyuu, Hisoka." 

    I used to wonder why he always said that in English, but I've stopped wondering by now. It's just one of the many things that makes him Tsuzuki. 

~~~~ 

    We decide to go to my house, because it's a one-floor apartment and therefore if I have a nightmare I won't have to climb a flight of stairs to reach Tsuzuki's comfort. He flops down on my couch and is asleep in no time. I crawl into bed sometime later. I'm a little nervous about sleeping, but if Akimiya says that the curse is broken, I believe him. I have a little bit of a hard time getting to sleep because my scars still ache, but drift off eventually. 

    Though my nightmares don't trap me this time, that certainly doesn't stop me from having them. I wake up screaming; Tsuzuki is already sitting on the edge of my bed, trying to stop my flailing. 

    "It's okay, I'm here . . ." 

    After the whole mess with the Muraki-who-wasn't, I think it's pretty fair to say that I'm in sorry shape. It takes me a long time to calm down again, huddled in Tsuzuki's arms. For the first time in days -- maybe even weeks -- I feel safe again. Warm. Wanted. 

    "Feeling better?" Tsuzuki asks quietly. 

    "I . . . no . . ." Great. As usual, my expertise in linguistics leaps to the forefront. I hide my face in Tsuzuki's shirt. 

    He hugs me a little tighter. "Just tell me what you want me to do, Hisoka," he says softly. "Just let me know, and that's what I'll do." 

    I look at my hands, wondering when they started clutching at Tsuzuki's shirtsleeves. "I don't know what I want," I manage. "I want you to stay with me. I don't want you to ever go away." I start to say that I don't care how he stays; if he's a friend or more, but I realize that's not true anymore. 

    I suppose it was only a matter of time before I wanted more than I could have. I never should have let myself start caring. It seems sort of like a downward spiral. The more you have, the more you need. 

    Tsuzuki is smiling a little; a thin, fragile smile. "I think I can manage that," he says. 

    I need more than that. 

    I can't tell him. 

    It's an interesting dilemma, really. Is it better to stay with him, as his friend, always needing more? Or would it be better to take a chance and tell him what I need, and risk losing him completely? 

    All I know is that I can't get by without him. 

    "But . . ." Tsuzuki speaks up again suddenly. "That's not enough for you, is it." 

    I look away. I don't want to admit it, but he's right. Somehow I fell in love, and the more I think about it, the more I hate myself for doing it. This is what I've become; reduced to a point where I need the sight of purple eyes to get me through a day. 

    "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I know you can't give me that. Don't worry about it." 

    "Hisoka, I want you to be happy." Tsuzuki looks confused. He leans forward, closing his eyes a little. "I really do." 

    I know he's going to kiss me again, and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants it so badly that I can barely breathe, but I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I decide I should stop him, but before I can say anything, he's already started kissing me. And it's . . . nice. There's really no better word for it. It makes me feel all tingly inside. 

    

    A part of me keeps whispering that I can't be held responsible for Tsuzuki's actions; if he wants to kiss me, then I should just shut up and enjoy it. But another part of me is horribly afraid that he's forcing himself into something he doesn't want for my sake. It's always so hard to tell with Tsuzuki. I've never known what he truly wants, except for the small time surrounding Kyoto. And then he just wanted to die. 

    His lips leave mine, and there's a few seconds of silence, of anticipation, of need, before he kisses me again. His hand comes up and brushes my cheek and it's so perfect that I think I want to cry. I guess I hadn't really realized how much I wanted this. 

    We break apart a minute later. I think this is the happiest I've ever been. And yet, oddly enough, I'm content . . . like this. I don't want anything more. I think I would be happy to spend eternity just kissing and cuddling. I've never really seen much in sex. I doubt Tsuzuki has either. 

    "Can we just go to sleep?" I whisper. I think it may be my imagination, but it looks like there's a hint of disappointment in Tsuzuki's eyes. I hasten to reassure him. "I mean, not that I don't . . ." Now I'm blushing. "Not that I don't like kissing you, it's just . . . I'm tired . . ." 

    "Sure," Tsuzuki says. He lies down and motions for me to curl up with him. 

    I do so, knowing that it won't last, because I can't afford to fall asleep so close to him. Too many dreams. It's just so nice to have him next to me, a warm and comforting presence. I nestle closer to him, so I can feel his breath against my ear. 

    And his lips against my ear . . . 

    I tense up a little; I can't really help it. The past three days may have been dreams, but they still seem very real, and I can't help but think of Muraki. I try to calm myself by remembering that Tsuzuki would never hurt me like that, but it isn't working. 

    "Tsuzuki . . . I . . ." 

    "Shhh," Tsuzuki says. The arm he has around my waist tugs on me a little, and I roll over onto my back. His lips brush over my cheek. 

    I'm too nervous for this. But . . . he'll understand. Tsuzuki always understands. "Tsuzuki," I say again, and am quickly distracted by his lips on my neck. That, more than anything, reminds me forcibly of Muraki, and I shudder involuntarily. "Tsuzuki, please don't," I manage. "I know you mean well, but . . ." 

    His lips are on mine again. It feels . . . strange. Whenever Muraki did something like this, it was a simple matter of revlusion and terror. But with Tsuzuki . . . it's different. I'm frightened, my mind doesn't want this, but a part of my body is insisting that it does. That this is good. 

    And . . . he's . . . touching me. His hands are sliding up underneath my shirt. I don't understand. It isn't like Tsuzuki to do this. "Tsuzuki . . . don't . . ." 

    I'm losing cohesiveness again. Like I did when Muraki had me in the dream. Thoughts can't stay together. I'm scared, this isn't like Tsuzuki, and I can't really feel him because his shields are up too high. The little I can feel . . . doesn't feel like him. It's like being with a stranger and I'm scared, I know I'm panicking now because he won't stop touching me and it's like Muraki it's like the dream it's 

    another dream! 

    I flail around wildly for another minute, still panicking, then I remember that if I'm panicking, Akimiya can't get to me. I close my eyes -- try to ignore Tsuzuki's hands, which are wandering more -- and center myself. Breathe slowly. Concentrate only on Akimiya, and on not projecting. I feel another spike of panic as Tsuzuki -- but it isn't really Tsuzuki, is it? 

    Then -- it's weird -- I feel someone's hands grab the front of my shirt, and I'm given a sharp tug -- 

    And I wake up. 

    I'm screaming. I can hear myself screaming. Thankfully, my empathy has now shut off completely. Someone gives me a rough shake and I stop screaming and gasp for breath. 

    I can feel arms around my waist. Probably Tsuzuki. I flinch away without thinking about it. 

    I open my eyes all the way to see Akimiya hovering. "Are you okay?" he asks. "I'm sorry, I fell asleep. I should've known better; I wasn't sure if the curse was broken or not -- " 

    I wave at him a little, and he stops. "Not your fault," I manage to say. My voice is hoarse. "You have to sleep sometime." 

    He nods a little, and what he said sinks further in. I'm in the hospital room again. Again? Or still? I can't tell what was a dream and what was reality. 

    "But . . . what about the stuff . . . this morning?" I asked. "The donut, and talking to Konoe-kachou . . .?" 

    Akimiya shakes his head. "You fell asleep last night and you haven't been out of bed. It's morning now. I guess time passes differently in the dreams." 

    I manage to nod a little. I glance over my shoulder to see Tsuzuki looking at me, wide-eyed. Try not to flinch away again. I don't want him touching me, and I feel terrible about it. He doesn't know what was in my dream. He doesn't know why I'm suddenly afraid of him. 

    I turn around. "Akimiya -- please -- I don't mean to be ungrateful, but -- " 

    He manages a weary smile. "Yeah. It's okay." And he turns and leaves the room. 

    I turn to Tsuzuki. "Please . . . let your shields down for a minute . . . I need to be sure that it's you, I'm . . ." 

    Tsuzuki looks puzzled, but obeys. Instantly a flood of concern and caring washes over me, and I practically wilt with relief. "Thank you," I manage. "I'm okay now . . ." 

    He puts his shields back up, but the worry he's feeling still leaks out a little. I don't mind. It's nice after . . . the Tsuzuki in the dream. He wraps his arms around me and I tense a little, then relax. This time I'm sure that he won't hurt me. 

    "Do you want to talk about it?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    I shake my head, but before I can realize that I'm lying, the words are tumbling out. "God, I don't know when I'm awake and when I'm dreaming, it's awful . . . I was so scared when Muraki had me and then all of a sudden none of it was real and I thought I was okay, but this . . . this was awful, this was . . ." I'm losing a hold on my self-control here. I try to pull it together and can't. Tsuzuki smooths my hair and hugs me tighter. I realize suddenly that I don't even know if the conversation we had last night actually happened. "Tsuzuki . . . last night, when I talked to you . . . was it real?" 

    "It was real," Tsuzuki says softly. 

    "Oh good." I feel relief wash over me. "Because I don't think I would have the courage to tell you again." 

    "Were you that scared of what I would say?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    "Of course," I reply. "Because . . . what if it scared you so much that you decided you didn't want to be my friend anymore? I . . . I don't think I could handle that." 

    Tsuzuki's arms tighten around me for a second. "I would never do that to you," he said. "I'll always be your friend, Hisoka. I don't know if I can ever manage to be anything else . . . but I'll never just abandon you." 

    I lean against him, into his arms. "Thank you. For . . . being honest." 

    Akimiya, showing the either excellent or terrible timing he seems to possess, walks in just then. He's carrying some food with him. "You need to eat," he says, setting the tray down in front of me. "Because I have to stay here with you, Watari-san is working on finding a cure for the curse. Okay?" 

    I nod and start eating. I trust Watari to find it; he's never failed on something like this before. It's really just a matter of time. 

    When I'm done, Akimiya puts the tray on a side table. Alarmingly, I find myself falling asleep again. "Why'm I so tired?" I asked. 

    Akimiya looks a little uncertain. "We think it's the curse," he says. "Since it only works when you're asleep, it makes sense that it tries to keep you asleep as much of the time as possible." 

    "Oh." I yawn. "That would make sense." I'm so drowsy that I'm finding it difficult to care. "But . . . you two will stay with me?" 

    He nods, and I can feel Tsuzuki moving behind me and assume he's doing the same. So I fall asleep, wondering what the next dream will be. 

~~~~~ 

_So, um, yeah. Next chapter may be a while... I'm in the middle of finals and moving out. But at least this one isn't a *horrible* cliffhanger... right? Feedback, please?_


	7. Chapter Six

_Warnings: Angst. Lots and lots of angst. Heaps of angst. And some confusion. And chocolate covered espresso beans. Eaten by Tsuzuki and Hisoka. That definitely deserves a warning._ Part Six 

    I wake up the next morning (but am I really awake? who knows?) and my scars hurt. Again. Which is annoying. If Muraki isn't around, I wish they would quit that. Much to my surprise, Tsuzuki is gone. Akimiya is asleep in the chair beside the bed again. (But is he really asleep? Or is he awake and watching me dream that he's asleep?) 

    "Ohayo, kid," Watari says, coming in and plunking some breakfast down in front of me. "How are you feeling?" 

    "Tired still," I admit. (Is that a good sign? Does it mean I'm not dreaming?) I start eating the food automatically. "Where's Tsuzuki?" I didn't mean to ask that. The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. 

    Watari gives me an understanding little smile. "Konoe-kachou wanted to talk to him. I don't know what about. But he'll probably be back shortly." 

    "Okay." 

    Watari bustles off. I pick at my breakfast. Akimiya starts to snore. 

    Tsuzuki comes in a few minutes later, walks right by me without noticing I'm awake, and goes in to talk to Watari. There's a pause. I hear slightly raised voices, but I can't make our what they're saying. Tsuzuki is upset about something. I can't feel it, but I can hear it in the tone of his voice. 

    Finally, the two of them come into the room. "How are you feeling, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    "Fine," I say. "Just a little tired. What's wrong?" 

    Tsuzuki and Watari glance at each other, and in that moment I know that they weren't going to tell me unless I asked. 

    "What?" I ask. My voice rises a little. Akimiya blinks a few times, then opens his eyes completely and looks around, confused. 

    "What's going on?" he mumbles. 

    "Ask them," I reply, motioning at Tsuzuki and Watari. 

    They both look vaguely guilty. 

    Tsuzuki is the one who finally answers me. "I have to go out on assignment. Try to find some evidence in that house you were cursed in." 

    I sit up straight. "That's not fair. You're not on field duty." 

    "I know, but I'm the only one who can go. You have to stay here because of the curse. Akimiya has to stay with you to make sure you don't try to die on us again." Tsuzuki's voice trembles on that note. I can tell that shook him badly; I'll have to remember to talk to him about it later. "Watari is here researching the curse." 

    "But Tatsumi-san -- " 

    "Is needed in the office." 

    "Wakaba and Terazuma, then." 

    "On assignment already." 

    "The Gushoshin." 

    "Helping Watari and watching the library." 

    I take a deep breath and remind myself firmly that Tsuzuki probably isn't any happier about this than I am. "But you can't go," I say. "It was a trap to lure you in. Muraki will -- " 

    "Hisoka," Akimiya interrupts me gently, "Muraki wasn't there. Remember?" 

    I close my eyes. My hands are shaking a little. "Right," I say. "Right. I'm sorry. It just seems so real." 

    "We know. It's okay." 

    I take a few deep breaths to steady myself. "But . . . are you really okay to go out there by yourself?" I ask. Now it's my voice that's trembling. 

    He manages a wan smile. "I'll be fine, Hisoka. I promise." 

    "Okay," I whisper. "Come back soon. Please." 

    He leans over and kisses my forehead, which startles me quite a bit, and then leaves the room. Watari mumbles something about having work to do and hustles off. 

    "You okay?" Akimiya asks quietly. 

    I know I'm not. There's this funny ache in my heart. If I have a nightmare . . . if things go wrong . . . he's not here. He's been the only constant in my existence over the past two years. I don't like having him gone. 

    I slowly turn to Akimiya. "I'm not dreaming, am I." 

    He shakes his head. "No, Hisoka. This isn't a dream." 

    "But how do I know it's not a dream?" I know I sound like I'm about to cry. "How do I know you're really not still asleep and this is the you in the dream, but I really am dreaming and you're just saying I'm not dreaming, and -- " 

    "Hisoka." Akimiya's voice is sharp, and it cuts through my mounting hysteria. 

    I stop. 

    "I will never be 'the me in the dream,'" Akimiya says, his tone a little gentler. "If I'm in the dream at all, it's the real me. Okay?" 

    "But how can I tell?" I ask. 

    "Because I linked myself into the curse," Akimiya says. "When it pulls you in, it pulls me in as well. But the nightmare is still of your design." 

    I blink at him. "You . . . did that for me?" 

    Akimiya shrugs. "It's no trouble, really; once I get pulled in, I just find you and pull you out. Easier than trying to figure out when you're dreaming and when you're not." 

    "But you might get trapped," I protest. 

    "Trust me, I was very careful when I tapped into the curse," Akimiya says dryly. "I really don't want to chance that any more than you do." 

    I relax a little. "Okay." 

    "I'm sure Tsuzuki will be fine," he says firmly. "He can take care of himself." 

    I sigh. "You have no idea." 

~~~~ 

    I wake up cold and disoriented. I've thrown my blankets off in my sleep. The chair next to my bed is empty. This makes me very nervous. Where would Akimiya have gone? He's supposed to stay with me all the time. I can hear voices, but none of them are his. They sound like Watari and Tatsumi-san. I strain my ears to hear them. 

    " . . . think we ought to tell him." 

    "No. He's having enough trouble right now. That curse . . ." 

    They lower their voices, and for a minute I can't hear them. Then it comes back. 

    "He'll know something is wrong. He's an empath, for crying out loud." 

    "Exactly. He's not good at reading facial expressions because he relies on his empathy. And Sakamoto-san blocks his empathy." 

    Pause. 

    " . . . I suppose. But it still doesn't seem right." 

    I'll put them out of their misery. I get out of bed, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders, and walk in the direction of the voices. 

    Tatsumi and Watari are standing in the hallway. They both blink at me. 

    "So what exactly are you not going to tell me?" I ask. "And where's Akimiya?" 

    "Akimiya-san had to go talk to Konoe-Kachou right quick," Watari says with false cheer. "You should be in bed." 

    "I know, but I got up because you two were obviously intending on keeping something from me. Now what's going on?" I feel very calm. Kinda cold and detached. 

    They look at each other quickly. "We think you might have been right about Muraki," Tatsumi-san finally says. 

    "I see," I say. Quick, Hisoka, grab the wall before you fall over. That's it. "And?" 

    Tatsumi-san takes a deep breath. "And Tsuzuki-san is missing." 

    The world is going very pale. There's a roaring noise in my ears, and it's so loud that I think I'm going deaf. My knees are going weak. And I think I'm heading towards the ground. Interesting. I've never fainted before. I can feel an arm around my waist. I think Tatsumi-san caught me before I could hit the ground. 

    The next thing I know, I'm in bed and Watari is trying to get me to drink a glass of water. What the hell am I sitting here for? I start to stand up. "You aren't going anywhere," Watari says, pushing me back onto the bed. 

    "I have to go to Tsuzuki -- " 

    "Tatsumi and Akimiya-san are going to go look for Tsuzuki," Watari says. "You're going to stay here, and stay awake, because if Akimiya isn't here you could get sucked into the dreams again." 

    I manage a nod. Then shake my head. "No! I have to go to him; he needs me." 

    "You can't help them, Hisoka," Watari says. "You have to stay here." 

    "But -- " 

    "No buts," Watari says. "You can help me in the lab; it'll keep you awake." 

    "I won't be able to concentrate," I say. "Watari, it's Muraki, you know what he'll do to Tsuzuki, I have to go, I've got to, I can't leave him to that . . ." 

    Watari pushes me back down again. "Hisoka, you have to calm down." 

    "I don't want to calm down, I want Tsuzuki, he wouldn't leave me alone, he promised he would come back, that he'd be okay, he promised, Tsuzuki doesn't break promises -- " 

    "Hisoka!" 

    "HE PROMISED NOW LET ME GO!" 

    Watari lets me go, abruptly, and I stand up and head for the door. My scars are burning. They're burning and I can't breathe; I'm dizzy -- 

    Watari catches me as I slump to the ground again. 

    "No," I protest faintly. "Please, I need to go to Tsuzuki . . . he needs me . . ." 

    And the world fades out. 

~~~~ 

    My scars . . . hurt. I hurt. The world is fuzzy. Fading in. Like a radio station. Static. Clearing up. Focusing in. Hospital bed. Something's wrong. I'm alone again. No Tsuzuki. No . . . 

    "Tsuzuki!" 

    "Calm down." Akimiya catches hold of me as I try to launch myself out of the bed. 

    "But Tsuzuki -- " 

    "Is fine," Akimiya says firmly. "I'm sorry I didn't catch you in that last dream. I couldn't get close enough. You were projecting too much. I had to grab you once you had passed out." 

    I stare. Blink. Assimilate. "Dream?" I say weakly. 

    "Yes. Dream." Akimiya gives me a steady look. 

    My breathing is all harsh again. "But . . . so . . . wait . . ." My head hurts. A lot. 

    Akimiya hands me a cup of tea. "Drink that," he says quietly. 

    I sip at the tea and try to regain my bearings. "So . . . did Tsuzuki get sent out to investigate the house? Or was that a dream too?" 

    "That wasn't a dream. This morning was real. Remember? I'll never tell you it's not a dream if it is." 

    "Right." My head throbs. 

    "He got back about a half an hour ago. He's talking to Konoe-Kachou right now, and then he'll be back in here." 

    "So he isn't missing?" I ask in a small voice. 

    "No. And we still don't think it was Muraki." 

    "Oh," I say. My whole body is going limp with relief. "So he's okay?" 

    "He's fine, Hisoka." 

    I remind myself to take a few deep breaths. The tension is draining out of my body like water. "Oh good," I say vaguely. "You know, I marvel at my mind's capabilties for coming up with all sorts of horrible situations that still seem realistic." 

    Akimiya gives me a hug, and together we wait for Tsuzuki. By common assent, we don't tell him about my latest dream. I just snuggle up in his arms and go back to sleep. 

~~~~ 

    Tsuzuki brings me breakfast in bed the next day. I have to get some fresh air before I shrivel up and die, and I'm not an outdoorsy sort of person. Akimiya is sipping his tea. He looks exhausted. For some reason, I feel guilty about this. Stupid curse certainly isn't my fault. 

    Must get outside. I'm going crazy. "Akimiya, can I go outside for a while?" 

    He gives me a tired look. "Yeah, go ahead. Mind if I don't come?" 

    "No, you need to nap," I say. 

    He looks at me for a long second, as if studying me, then nods a little. "Okay. Call me if you need me." 

    "I'll go with you," Tsuzuki says. 

    I'm certainly not going to object to Tsuzuki's company after that dream yesterday, so the two of us go outside. The sakura are always in bloom here. It's pretty. We sit down in the center of the field. This is where he told me I could beat Muraki. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get the chance. 

    So we sit in silence for a while. I want to say something, but I don't at the same time. 

    "What did you dream about yesterday?" he asks softly. 

    "I dreamed . . . that you were gone," I say. I don't want to go into any more detail than that, but do anyway. "That I had failed to protect you. That you . . . might never come back to me." 

    He puts an arm around me and pulls me into the relative safety and comfort of an embrace. I snuggle up against him, ashamed to admit my weakness to everyone but him. Because he would never hold it against me. 

    "Why do you love me, Hisoka?" His voice is soft and tired and infinitely vulnerable. 

    "Because . . . you're the first person who was ever kind to me," I reply. "Because I need you. You're . . . beautiful, and you have so much life stored up inside you. You make me want to live. You're sweet . . . and kind . . . and caring . . ." I stop myself before I can say more. My eyes are burning with unshed tears. 

    "Hisoka . . ." Tsuzuki's arms tighten around me a little. 

    "It's okay," I say hastily. "I know . . . that you can't care for me that way. We've had this conversation, remember?" 

    "I know, but . . . you certainly deserve someone who loves you more than I do." I start to protest, but Tsuzuki continues before I can. "And I don't think I really deserve you, but . . . if you love me, I guess there's nothing much I can do about it." 

    I manage a shaky laugh. 

    Tsuzuki lets me go and turns a little so we're facing. He takes a deep breath. "I . . . I want to try. I don't know how to make myself happy . . . so if I can make you happy . . . then maybe . . . I'll be happy too." 

    I'm just staring at him. I know I should say something, but I can't think of a word to say. 

    "I guess I don't really know what love is," Tsuzuki says. "But I think if I could love anyone . . . it would be you. So I'll try. I'll try as hard as I can. And maybe you can teach me." 

    My brain has frozen. I don't think I could manage to talk if my life depended on it. So I go for the old standby and fling myself into his arms, hugging him so tightly that I'm surprised he can still breathe. But he holds me just as tightly, smoothing my hair and whispering things that have no meaning. 

    "Hisoka?" 

    I look up. Akimiya is standing a few feet away. 

    "I hate to interrupt," he says, looking decidedly ill-at-ease, "but I need to talk to you for a second." 

    "Sure." I look blankly at him. 

    "Just you," he says, looking even more uncomfortable. 

    "Oh." I stand up. Squeeze Tsuzuki's hand before letting go. Follow Akimiya a few feet away. 

    He gives me a very long look for a second. "Hisoka . . . it's time to wake up." 

    What? 

    "I know . . . that this didn't feel like a dream," he continues. "But . . ." 

    "No." 

    He blinks at me. 

    "This wasn't a dream." My voice cracks. "This can't have been a dream. It can't have been. Tsuzuki . . . Tsuzuki and I were . . . it's not a dream! Tell me it isn't a dream!" 

    Akimiya looks away. "I'm sorry, it's just I'm getting so tired, and I didn't want to spend the energy pulling you out because nothing seemed to be wrong, and then it occurred to me that maybe that was the point; the dream was being nice so you wouldn't want to wake up, and I figured I had better wake you before things . . . went right." 

    "No, you're lying." I'm crying now. "It isn't a dream, it can't be a dream. Tsuzuki was . . . we were . . . he said he'd be able to love me, it isn't a dream, it isn't, you're lying!" 

    Akimiya pulls me into a hug. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry." 

    And the world starts to melt around us. 

    I feel like I'm melting with it. 

~~~~ 

    "Hisoka, I'm sorry," Akimiya says softly. Tsuzuki is standing at the foot of the bed, looking at us in confusion. "I didn't know. I didn't know the curse had . . . developed to the point where it could do that." 

    "You don't need to apologize." Is that my voice? It sounds so dull . . . then again, I hardly feel anything. I think my heart may have honestly frozen in my chest. I can't . . . feel. I thought for a minute that Tsuzuki truly loved me. With that gone . . . it feels like the sun has gone out. 

    Akimiya has this pained look on his face. "Hisoka . . ." 

    "Shut up, Akimiya. It wasn't your fault and there's nothing you can say to make this better." I sit up in bed and pull my knees up to my chest. I think I'm shaking. 

    "Yeah, I know." He sighs. "Is there anything I can do?" 

    "No," I reply. "There isn't." 

    I lie down. 

    Stare at the ceiling. 

    "What just happened?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    I think I might start to cry. 

    "Hisoka, are you okay?" 

    Of course I'm not okay. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not okay. 

    Tsuzuki sits on the edge of my bed and pulls me into a hug. I don't want him to hug me. What if this is a dream? No, can't be a dream. Akimiya's here. But I can't tell anymore. Everything feels sort of vague and dreamlike. So I just . . . let Tsuzuki hug me. I'm afraid if I move, it might all shatter around me again. 

    Finally, he lets me go. "I brought you a present," he says, with a large Tsuzuki grin. 

    I blink. "Huh?" 

    He holds out a bag to me. "When I was on earth checking out that house." 

    I open the bag up slowly and see some dark colored shapes inside. "Candy?" 

    "Better," he says. "Chocolate-covered espresso beans!" 

    I blink at him. He's acting like I should know what they are, and I don't. "Espresso?" 

    Tsuzuki makes a face. "Special coffee," he says. "Lots of caffeine and sugar. They'll help you stay awake." He nods vigorously. 

    I cautiously pop one in my mouth. Chew. Make a face. "Bitter," I finally say, swallowing. "Are you sure these'll help me stay awake?" 

    "Sure," Tsuzuki says. "Trust me." 

    "Okay . . ." 

~~~~ 

    I've had so many of those bean thingys that Tsuzuki bought me that I'm bouncing off the walls. Everything is bright. And kinda wobbly. My hands are shaking. I think I must've had way too many of those espresso things. I'm pacing around the room at what feels like eight thousand miles an hour. Tsuzuki wasn't kidding when he said these things would keep me awake. I've never felt more awake in my life. 

    Tsuzuki, naturally, bought a bag for himself and has been eating almost as many as me. He says he'll keep me awake so Akimiya can take a nap, which is good because Akimiya really needs a nap. I've never seen anyone with darker circles under their eyes. 

    So I'm bouncing off the walls and Tsuzuki is bouncing with me. Bounce bounce bounce. It's amazing how much better the world seems when you've had three full bags of chocolate covered espresso beans. I hate to think how I'm going to feel when these things wear off. Probably pretty tired. So I'll just have to make sure they don't wear off. Every time I start feeling vaguely normal again, I eat a whole bunch more of them. Good plan, huh? Yeah, I thought so. 

~~~~ 

    I have a new theory now. I'm just going to lie here and stare at the ceiling. That way, if I'm dreaming, I won't do anything, so the dream won't hurt me. I'm not listening. Actually, the world seems like it's coming through about five miles of fog. I can't hear anything except a dim roaring. 

    

    After we ran out of espresso beans, Tsuzuki volunteered to go back to Chijou and get some more. Watari wouldn't let him, though. He said that I'd had enough and that if I ate any more, my veins might explode. Tsuzuki took him seriously, and I was too buzzed to realize that Watari was lying. Shortly after that was when I passed out cold on the floor. Someone must have lifted me up and put me in bed. 

    That was when I came up with my new theory. I know it worked really well, too, because when Akimiya woke me up, he said, "Are you okay?" 

    I told him I was fine. 

    He looked relieved and said, "I was worried. That was a bad one." 

    The nightmare had happened around me and I hadn't even realized it. Oh, I'd been vaguely aware of a couple people in the room talking. But I wasn't listening to a word they said. I guess, whatever they were saying, it was pretty bad. When I explained to Akimiya, he refused to tell me what it had been about. 

    That was when I decided this was a really good idea. Time doesn't really have any meaning when you're just floating, but I think I've been like this for a few days now. 

    Someone's talking. Can't hear them over the noise in my ears, though. White noise. Like a womb, maybe? I'm curled up like I'd be in one. That's the most protected position. Except my mother never protected me. A useless womb. I think she may have loved me once, but never once she found out what I was. 

    No one has ever really loved me. 

    The world probably shouldn't be so fuzzy, but it's a good way to be. I think someone's trying to make me eat. Have I been withdrawn like this for that long? Someone's propping me up. Someone else, kinda blurry -- blonde, so it's either Watari or Akimiya -- is aiming a spoonful of food at my mouth. I kind of blink at it. It gets too close and nudges at my lips. Automatically, I open my mouth. It takes them a while to feed me, and I'm altogether too much in the real world. 

    I decide I won't eat anymore. I don't like being able to hear them. Some of the gauze has cleared away. I like the gauze. I like that separation. Nothing matters anymore. I can never have Tsuzuki. Never like I need him. Maybe it would be better if I just went away. 

    Just . . . faded . . . out. 

    They lay me down on the bed, on my back. No more protection. 

    Can't hear them anymore. 

    Like a badly tuned radio. 

    Think I'll just close my eyes and stay like this for a while. Maybe stay like this forever. 

    But . . . someone is crying. I can feel it. Because . . . they're hugging me. The fog lifts a little. Tsuzuki. He's looking at my with those huge purple eyes of his. His lips are moving. The fog is lifting. " . . . come back to us, please, Hisoka, we all miss you . . ." 

    He's crying. 

    "We miss you very much . . ." 

    And laying his head on my chest. 

    "I miss you . . ." 

    Am I dreaming? 

~~~~~ 


	8. Chapter Seven

_Warnings: Angst, surrealism, angst. And a cliffhanger, but in this fic, I suppose you're all getting used to those._

Part Seven 

    The beautiful thing about white noise is that it sounds like silence, but it's louder. Silence is something that most people don't like; it is awkward and heavy and sometimes can be so loud that it deafens. I don't want to be wrapped in silence. That's too much like being dead. 

    But it isn't silent here. There's the hum of some machinery, farther off, and the window is open so there's the sound of wind and the birds chirping. Gentle noise. Silence is harsh. There's also the low murmur of voices. I think, a lot of the time, that they're talking to me. But there's a step between hearing and comprehesion called 'listening', and it's a step I don't feel like taking right now. 

    It's interesting, if you let yourself fade out in stages, to watch what goes first. Movement. Movement is always first. After a day or so of being blank, I couldn't even move if I wanted to. I'm limp all over, and my limbs don't want to obey me. If my hair gets in my face, it sits there until someone brushes it out of the way for me. I won't eat. I lose too much of the separation. Every now and again there's a sharp pain in my arm, and the gauze clears long enough to see Watari sliding a needle out. Nutritional injections. Do the dead need to eat? 

    Apparently they do. 

    After movement goes sound. I'm not sure I could understand the people around me if I wanted to. I've grown incapable of listening. Everything is a dull roar in my ears, a sound that blends together and can't be separated into syllables or decibels. Sometimes I can hear Tsuzuki's voice, but I never know whether or not he's really there, or if it's only in my mind. 

    In my dream. 

    Sight is next. The world is growing steadily dimmer and dimmer. The gauze goes from white to gray. What's perhaps scariest about this is that, as all colors solidify into shades of gray, no one seems to realize it but me. The only color that still exists is the beautiful purple of Tsuzuki's eyes. I can only imagine it, though. I can't see it. 

    Do they know how much I'm slipping? 

    Next to go is thought. I don't really think much anymore. The dreams come and go, but I don't notice. Sleeping and waking are the same state. 

    I think I may be dying. 

    The strangest thing about it is that it doesn't bother me very much anymore. 

    Words. I can hear words. I can't tell what they are. They blend into the white noise of my little womb. I think they're directed at me. I don't care. I don't care about much of anything anymore. 

    Touch. Touch is the last sensation to go, the one that still matters. When they touch me, I still know. I can't always tell who it is, but I can feel it. Now someone is laying their hands on my forehead. I can hear more words. Something's going on. Maybe something big. Do I care? 

    All of a sudden I do care, and I care a lot, because whatever they're doing hurts. And it doesn't just hurt the way Watari's needle in my arm hurt, or when Akimiya smacked me to make me stop hyperventilating, it HURTS. It hurts even more than Tsuzuki's ever-so-subtle rejection, not wanting the others to know he had kissed me. It hurts like Muraki hurts, like a wound that's festered for ages and is now being poked with a rusty, sharp object. 

    I think I'm screaming. 

    I have this sudden, uncharitable thought that, whatever they're doing, they're doing it to get me to wake up. But as I lurch upwards, still screaming, trying in some weird way to escape the pain, I see Watari's shocked face and I know that this was not intentional. 

    Abruptly, the pain stops, except for a lingering ache, fire that runs up and down the scars and then subsides to ashes. 

    "What the hell?" Akimiya asks. 

    Even if it wasn't the desired effect, the world is clear now. The gauze, gray and white alike, has been stripped off my eyes. I can move. Hear. See. Think. Feel. 

    "What just happened?" My voice is hoarse from so many days unused. How long was it? Days? Weeks, even? They all looked completely shocked that I'm speaking again. Further evidence that they weren't just trying to get me out of my shell. 

    Tatsumi-san, who is leaning against the far wall, too far away to be involved directly but obviously wanting to have been there to view the outcome, is the first to collect himself and answer. "Watari thought he might have found a way to break the curse. Obviously, he was wrong." 

    "No," Watari says. He seems to have also pulled himself together. He's staring at me. "That's not what happened." 

    I look down at where he's staring. So does everyone else. My arms. I'm only wearing a T-shirt, and below where the sleeves end, the red curse marks stand out beautifully against my pale skin. 

    "But . . ." Tsuzuki, perched in a chair next to my bed, begins. Then his voice trails off and he doesn't finish his sentence. 

    "He tied the two curses in together," Watari says. I can see that tiny spark of admiration in his eyes, the spark that's always there when we come up against a truly brilliant opponent, no matter how dangerous the situation. "I can't end one without ending the other. But . . . I can't end the first, because it already completed its objective, and thus has already happened." 

    Silence greets this. 

    "So, there's no way to fix this?" I ask. Remind me to slit my wrists at my next opportunity. Tsuzuki puts a hand on my shoulder, and I can't help but flinch away. I lay back down. Try to find the gauze again. But the lingering pain prevents it. 

    "No . . ." Watari says slowly. "In order to tie two curses together like that, there has to be a focus." 

    "Huh?" Akimiya asks. He's obviously not on the up-and-up with curses. Then again, I have no idea what Watari is talking about either. It makes me think, oddly enough, of Hijiri and the demon. The cursed violin. The demon couldn't work its magic on Hijiri without the violin. The focus. 

    "So all we have to do is find the focus and destroy it," Watari proclaims. He looks about ten times more confident than I feel. "It would have to be a physical object with the curse markings on it somehow." 

    We all blink at him. 

    "The doll?" I ask hesitantly. 

    Tsuzuki looks like he's in a state of shock. "But Muraki . . . isn't . . ." 

    "God, it's so obvious in retrospect." The pieces are all starting to fall into place for me now. I think several of them might have clicked together while I was still half-sleeping, wrapped in gauze and white noise. "He knew my first dream would be about him, because of course he's my greatest nightmare. And he knew that when you managed to wake me up, you would all be reassuring me that he wasn't really here, and it never occurred to any of us that just because he was in my first dream, doesn't mean he wasn't really behind it." 

    They're staring at me, but I can see comprehension starting to dawn on all of them. 

    "He's the only person alive who knows about this curse; he's the only one that could tie both curses together," I continue. "That's why the scars kept hurting, even after the first dream was over." 

    Watari jumps as if he's been bitten by something unpleasant. "Your scars have been hurting the whole time?" 

    I nod. 

    "Why didn't you tell us that?" Now he looks upset. 

    "Because I didn't want to hear that Muraki wasn't really here for the eightieth time." I know I sound defensive. "I figured it was aftermath from the first dream." 

    "But none of the other dreams carried over into the real world like that," Akimiya says slowly. "And curse marks like that don't lie." 

    My breathing is speeding up a little. "And -- God, how did we forget this? The reason we were there in the first place was because a bunch of children had been kidnapped, raped, and murdered. That has Muraki written all over it. The house felt like him, I could sense it. But I thought maybe the dream had played tricks on me, and the whole last part in the house wasn't real." 

    "But it was," Akimiya says, looking thoughtful. "So why didn't I see the doll when I went in and found you?" 

    Silence for a moment, while we all think about it. 

    "He must have been in the room," I finally decide. "It would've taken you at least ten seconds to run down the hallway. Muraki has magic that we don't know about; we never figured out the full scope of his powers. He's survived so many times that he should have died; I think disappearing must be a relatively easy trick for him." 

    "But in the room while you were there?" Tatsumi-san sounds skeptical. "Surely you would've noticed him." 

    I shake my head. "Akimiya being so close was messing up my empathy. I could sense his presence, but it wasn't clear enough to tell his location. It just felt like it was one of his hideouts or something like that." 

    Akimiya opens his mouth to apologize, and I give him a look. He shuts up. 

    "He must've grabbed the doll and left before Akimiya-san found you," Watari surmises. 

    "So all we have to do is find him, find the doll, and destroy it," I say. Phrased like that, it sounds so easy. While in reality, it'll probably be next to impossible. Especially with me in the condition that I'm in. 

    "And how do we do that?" Tsuzuki comes out of his silence. 

    "I ought to be able to trace the spell back to the focus," Watari says, sounding excited. "Since it's so complicated." 

    Well. That's easier than expected. Though I don't relish the thought of facing Muraki. Then again, I doubt I'll have to go. I lean back again, close my eyes, try to sink back into the blankness until it's all over. 

    Watari shatters that pretty little bubble. "Kid, you'll need to help me. You're the one who's cursed here." 

    "But . . ." My voice trails off. I can hardly object. I can just wait for him to tell me what's expected. 

    "It'll be sort of like playing hot-cold," he says. "Let me just set up what I need, and then I think you should probably get some real sleep -- not this weird stuff you've been pulling lately -- before we go." 

    "But, wait," I say. "Can you use me to pin it down on a map? Or am I actually going to have to get out of bed and go?" 

    Watari frowns for an instant. "Well, theoretically . . ." He catches my hopeful look and wilts a little. "No. I think you'd have to come." 

    "Will the scars lead us to Muraki or to the focus?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    "Um, to Muraki himself." Watari is watching Tsuzuki and I look less and less pleased by the second. 

    "Who's going to come with me?" I ask suddenly. 

    Silence rings through the room. 

    "Well, I'll have to," Watari says. It isn't comforting. Watari doesn't have much in the way of firepower, at least, not that I've seen. 

    "I'll go," Tsuzuki says, with a wan smile. 

    I blink at him. "Tsuzuki, no." 

    He continues to smile. "I won't just let you go by yourself," he says. "And I think maybe it'd be better if I faced Muraki. Maybe it would lay both of our fears to rest." 

    "But -- " 

    He looks at me for a long second. "C'mon, Hisoka," he says with false cheer. "You agreed that if you got into trouble, nobody would stop me from swooping to your rescue. Remember?" 

    "Of course I remember, but that wasn't what I meant . . ." Damn his good memory anyway. "Not since it's Muraki!" 

    He sits on the edge of my bed, giving me a serious look. "It's not fair if you have to face him and I don't," he says, in a tone of voice that warns me not to argue any more. "I won't let you go without me." 

    I lower my eyes. I won't talk him out of this, and part of me doesn't want to. I don't want to go alone. But I don't want Tsuzuki to have to face him, either. 

    Though . . . I'm ashamed to admit it, but . . . part of me is thrilled that Tsuzuki would do this. Would take this chance for me. Face down Muraki . . . for me. 

    But what does it really matter, if he doesn't love me? 

    "Someone else could go." That's Watari, arguing in my defense. "Tatsumi could go, or Akimiya-san . . ." 

    Tsuzuki shakes his head, and I know what he's going to say before he says it. "Muraki won't be keeping the doll with him. We'll need to try to bait the information out of him . . . and I'm the only one who would have a chance at succeeding." 

    I feel sick. 

    Mostly because I know he's right. 

    Well . . . half right. He's not the only one who would have a chance. I would have a chance, too. Maybe not as great a one. But definitely a chance. 

    And that makes me feel even sicker. 

    Because I know what I have to do. 

~~~~~ 

    I'm beginning to wonder at my motives. Am I doing this because I have no faith in Tsuzuki? Because I don't trust him to face Muraki and come out alive, or emotionally sane afterwards? Because I know Muraki will hurt him if Tsuzuki loses his composure for more than half a second? Is that lack of faith, or just plain worry? Muraki has hurt him before, and I don't want to let it happen again. 

    Is it wrong of me to go in Tsuzuki's place? 

    Or am I subconsciously doing it to prove to him that I love him this much? To prove that I can face Muraki and not lose it, the way I did in the dream? To 'save' Tsuzuki from the evils that Muraki represents? 

    Does that make me selfish? 

    I don't know that I can win against Muraki. It's certainly not like I have a good track record in the subject. But I'm assuming that Tsuzuki can't. Which isn't a random assumption. Tsuzuki doesn't have a very good track record either. 

    So. I want to save Tsuzuki from pain. That doesn't make me selfih. 

    Just stupid. 

    Tsuzuki is hardly a damsel in distress. Nor am I a knight in shining armor. 

    He saved me from Muraki, once. Am I now returning the favor? Or am I making up for when I should have saved him, and failed? 

    Or do I just not want him to rescue me again, and owe him twice over? 

    For some reason, my mind returns to that last moment of coherency I had before drifting off into the white noise. Tsuzuki crying over me, saying he missed me. A dream, I'm sure . . . but was it so unreal? Would Tsuzuki miss me if I actually left him? I know he would. I know he cares for me. Just . . . not the way I need him to. Is it so bad to be stuck as just friends with him? 

    Am I, in some odd, subconscious way, trying to get myself killed? Because Tsuzuki doesn't love me? 

    Sometimes I really wish I had a better grasp of my own motivation. Agonizing like this is utterly ridiculous. 

    And why did I have to go alone? I could've woken Akimiya; he would've come with me. I could have gotten Tatsumi-san or Watari; they wouldn't have been pleased with the idea, but they both want to keep Tsuzuki from harm, so they would have agreed. 

    But in the end, it's just me, alone. 

    As it's always been. 

    Tsuzuki fell asleep in the chair next to my bed, with his head on the pillow, facing me. He's adorable when he sleeps. All that pain and worry erased from his face. A cliché? Perhaps. It doesn't diminish his beauty. 

    He's a sound sleeper. It wasn't difficult to climb out of bed without him waking up. He moved a little, but that was all. Akimiya was also asleep, in the other chair. I thought for a minute that he was awake, but he didn't make any move to stop me when I left the room, so he must have been asleep. 

    I went home. At some point, someone had dressed me in some hospital robes, and I wasn't about to face Muraki in that. I got dressed. And now, here I am. Standing around trying to figure out my next step. A large part of me is wailing inside, screaming for me to run for someone to come with me. 

    But I think I have to do this alone. 

    Funny thing . . . when I told Tsuzuki that I wanted to win over Muraki someday, I really didn't mean so soon. 

    Now, to find him. All that stuff Watari was saying about being able to track the curse is really unnecessary. I know where he's going to be. He's going to be in that old house, waiting for me. Because if I know Muraki, he knows I'm coming. 

~~~~~ 

    I hate it when I'm right. 

    He's waiting for me in the same room where I found the doll. How utterly poetic. I remind myself firmly not to try to punch him. Historically, that's gone fairly badly. So I just stare at him for a minute. And at the doll, nestled firmly in his arms. Bloody bastard was waiting for me. 

    "Speechless?" Muraki asks me, his voice amused. 

    "No," I answer, somehow managing to keep my voice neutral. "Not even surprised. Just waiting for you to make the first move." 

    He does. 

    He tosses the doll to me. 

    Despite my shock, I manage to catch it. But I'm automatically on my guard. Why is he just giving it to me? That's not like Muraki. There's a trick to this somewhere. 

    He says nothing. 

    "What were you trying to accomplish?" I don't want to ask the obvious question, so I try something different. I'm not good at playing mind games, and Muraki is the master. So I'll go with being simple and direct. 

    He shrugs. 

    "Hoping to lure Tsuzuki to you?" I ask coldly. "It didn't work, as you can see." 

    He smiles, that 'I'm about to hurt you' smile that makes me want to run for cover. Or at the very least, duck. "I didn't really expect it to. You're far too self-sacrificing for your own good. But I did accomplish what I wanted to." 

    "Which was . . .?" 

    He's still not answering me, the self-satisfied bastard. "You had very interesting dreams, boy." 

    I can't help but gape. "You were watching?" 

    He smiles. That same smile. "Your new partner isn't the only one who can see into people's sleeping minds." He pauses. "That one where Tsuzuki-san proclaimed his love for you was quite interesting, actually." 

    "Shut up." My voice is rough. Too rough. He can tell he's getting to me. As if he didn't already know. Yeah, right. 

    "Why did you come?" Muraki asks, looking amused. "To challenge me? To end the curse? Or just so your dear Tsuzuki-san wouldn't have to?" 

    "Yes," I answer. 

    He smirks. His smirk is even worse than his smile. "Well, if you want to end the curse, you have what you came for. Yet you stay here and talk with me. So you obviously want something else." 

    And that's when I get it; that's when I know why I came. All the other reasons were probably true, but the last time I saw Muraki, I didn't know what he had done to Tsuzuki. And now that I do . . . I think I want some revenge. 

    Listen to me talk. I couldn't beat Muraki if I had all the confidence in the world. 

    It all returns to what he said to me in the dream. Even if it wasn't really him. I want to beat him, not for my own pain, but so Tsuzuki can be mine. 

    _"Your feelings for him are no more pure than mine . . . you want him just as badly as I do . . . Even if you did manage to convince him that he loves you – and perhaps he even does, to some limited extent – you wouldn't last very long. Tsuzuki-san doubts too much. He would doubt that you loved him, and even more he would doubt that he deserves you. Tsuzuki-san has hated himself too long to ever believe otherwise . . . He wants to be hurt, to be degraded, to be humiliated. That's what he thinks he deserves. I can provide that for him . . . and you can't."_

    Even if it wasn't . . . really . . . him? 

    _"Your new partner isn't the only one who can see into people's sleeping minds."_

    "It was you. In the dream." 

    He smiles at me. 

    I can barely breathe. "The rest were all fake, but that was really you. You came into my head." 

    "That was the only way to make the curse take," he says matter-of-factly. "It had to be done from the inside out. And I figured I may as well have a little fun while I was there." 

    The anger starts to recede a little. "You're wrong. About Tsuzuki." 

    "He doesn't love you." 

    "No. He doesn't." And in that moment, I accept it. It doesn't hurt any less, but I accept it. "He may never love me. But that doesn't mean he wants to be with you." 

    Muraki shrugs. "He'll come to his senses. Deep down, he knows what he wants. You're the one holding him back, you know." 

    "I know," I say softly. "Because he knows that I love him. And that holds off the self-hatred just enough to make a difference." 

    And I realize how neatly I walked into his trap, thinking that he wanted Tsuzuki, never thinking that I was the one he was after. He's always after Tsuzuki. I just didn't think of it. But this was for me. To get rid of me. Because Tsuzuki will never be his while I'm around. That explains why he didn't just pick up Tsuzuki when Tsuzuki came here to check the house. Or was that a dream? I can't remember anymore. 

    I look down at the doll in my arms, the red curse marks showing through its thin white dress. Its huge blue porcelain eyes. 

    Innocence? Or ignorance? 

    "If I destroy the doll," I say slowly, "will the curse really end?" 

    He's still smiling. "Of course. Destroying the focus always ends the curse." 

    I wait for the catch. 

    "In fact," he says. "It'll end both curses." 

    Oh. 

    I understand, but Muraki just has to beat me over the head with it anyway. "In essence," he says. "The first curse will kill you again." 

    He smiles, maybe the last time I'll see it. 

    "Perhaps for good this time." 

~~~~~ 

_Okay, I know I'm evil. Leave lots of feedback and I'll have part eight out soon, I swear. *niko*_


	9. Chapter Eight

_Warnings: Um... angst? Lots of angst? Tons of angst?_

Part Eight 

    After a few seconds of standing there, completely motionless, I realize that delaying is pointless. There are a few factors to keep in mind here. 

    One: Muraki is a notorious liar. I can probably count the times that he's told the truth on an amputee's fingers. He has on occasion, but usually he's said it to Tsuzuki -- not to me. 

    Two: Muraki does not use such elaborate means to kill people. If he really wanted me dead, he probably would have killed me the second I stepped into the room. I'm sure that breaking the doll will do something -- probably something less than desirable -- but I doubt it would really kill me. 

    Three: Muraki wants Tsuzuki, and thus far, I'm the only bait or ransom he can ever use. He does not want to kill me, at least, not until Tsuzuki is safely in his clutches. 

    Four: Death would be better than being trapped in this eternal dream. 

    And just then it occurs to me. What if I'm dreaming? Akimiya isn't here. He was asleep when I left. That is, he looked asleep. I've learned to not underestimate Akimiya. But with only Muraki here, I don't know whether or not my empathy is working. I can't read him unless I try -- and I usually prefer to not try. 

    I shake my head a little, to clear it. All right, there's a strong probability that this is just another dream. Either I'll dream I die, or I'll dream that the curse is ended -- either one would be horrible enough to wake up from. But what that means is that there's about a fifty-fifty chance that breaking the doll will accomplish absolutely nothing. 

    So my solution is to stand here, looking down at the doll, waiting to see if Muraki will try anything else. He doesn't seem to have anything planned. He's just . . . watching me. Because what does he care? Whatever happens, he already had his fun with me in the first nightmare. Despite what the doll is intended to do, it's Tsuzuki he wants. 

    And of course, there's only one way to find out what the doll will do if it's destroyed. 

    I don't know why I'm reluctant to destroy it. I would do anything for the dream to end. Even end this second life I've been given. 

    It's just . . . 

    Tsuzuki will be so angry with me if I die. 

    He doesn't love me, but that doesn't mean he never will. Nor does it mean he doesn't care for me. Tsuzuki cried and said he missed me, and while it might have been a dream, that doesn't make it any less real to me. 

    If breaking the doll would really kill me, why did Muraki tell me? If he hadn't, I would have broken the doll immediately to end the curse, and died immediately. Does he enjoy watching my indecision? Did he want to know what I would do? 

    Or is this all just fun and games to him, the way so many of our encounters are? 

    If the doll was really going to kill me, he would not have said so. 

    Conclusion come to. Decision made. 

    "Sorry," I finally said. "It's been a fun game, but I don't feel like playing anymore." 

    And I throw the doll, as hard as I can, against the far wall. 

    It shatters in a shower of porcelain and lands on the floor with a thud. 

    Everything is very still. Very quiet. 

    Muraki looks surprised. Either he wasn't expecting me to actually go through with it, or something else was supposed to happen. Muraki looks surprised very rarely, and I gave him due warning that I was going to actually break the doll. I think something was supposed to happen. Yet . . . it didn't. Nothing happened. I'm not dead. Nor did I wake up in my bed in the infirmary. 

    I think it may have actually worked. 

    With none of the side effects intended. 

    And with a smile, I understand. "Akimiya." 

    Muraki blinks at me. Then he blinks more at Akimiya, who pushes the door open and walks inside. 

    We look at each other for a minute. 

    "I didn't know you could block Muraki's magic." 

    "Neither did I, actually," he says with a modest smile. 

    I look back to Muraki, but he's already gone. And I suppose it makes sense. If Akimiya dampens his magic the way he dampens my empathy, I might actually be able to beat him with the small amount of 'jitsu that I have. And Muraki was never one for confrontation anyway, not unless he had the upper hand going in. 

    "Well," I say. "Thanks. You followed me?" 

    He rolls his eyes. "Of course I followed you. What are partners for? Let's go home." 

    "Is the curse over?" I ask. 

    He looks at the broken doll. "No way of knowing that 'til you fall asleep," he answers with a shrug. 

    I pick up one of the porcelain pieces and slide it into my pocket, not sure why I want it, but wanting it nonetheless. "Why did the spell work earlier if you can dampen Muraki's magic?" 

    "Because I was on the receiving end of it with you, rather than the sending end with him," Akimiya answers. Then he adds, "Or so I would imagine." 

    "Hm." I nod. "Does Tsuzuki know I'm gone?" 

    He shakes his head. 

    "Let's get back, then." 

~~~~ 

    Tsuzuki is awake and has worked himself into a full-blown panic by the time we get back. Excellent. Watari is doing his best to keep him calm, but that doesn't stop him from latching onto me the second I walk into the door. "Are you okay?" 

    I nod. "I'm fine. And we broke the focus." 

    "You went without me!" 

    Tsuzuki looks wounded. I'm definitely in for a lecture. It reminds me a lot of our first mission together, when I saved him and then chewed him out for being bait for Maria Wong. Though, in retrospect, I think he might have gotten out of that on his own if I hadn't been there. 

    And all he did was grin and say "Sankyuu, Hisoka," the way he always did. Because he knew that I was chewing him out because I'd been worried. And that's why he'll be lecturing me, now, so I can take it. 

    Unfortunately for me, he doesn't lecture me. He just stares at me for a long second, then says, "You thought I couldn't do it." 

    "It's not that," I say, but I know I flinched. "It's not that I thought you couldn't. It's just that you shouldn't have to. I don't . . . I didn't want to let him hurt you, even if you could have won in the end." 

    He appears to ponder this for a minute. "You could have been hurt. Or killed." 

    "Yes. But so could you if you had gone to face Muraki. Why does my life mean so much more than yours?" 

    He doesn't have an answer to that. Just looks away. 

    Now I'm starting to get upset. "I'll tell you why, Tsuzuki. You think I'm more important because your self-image is just that negative. You don't think I'm worth that much -- you just think you're worth nothing." I think I'm crying. This day is going straight to hell. "Well, let me give you my view on things, Tsuzuki -- you've got it completely backwards. I am worth something. I know I am. But so are you -- you're worth so much more than me, but it isn't because I'm worthless, it's because you're wonderful, you're perfect, you're everything I ever wanted." 

    Pause to let that sink in, and to swallow the lump in my throat. 

    "I didn't go in your place because I lost faith in you," I finally manage to say. "I went because I love you. But I'm beginning to think you'll never understand that." 

     And . . . it takes everything I have . . . but I turn and walk away. 

    Leaving him standing behind me, not knowing what to say. I'm beginning to wonder why on earth I said that. In front of half the office staff, no less. Not that any of them were surprised. 

    Everyone just watches me as I go outside. It's dawn. I can hear the birds chirping. I doubt I have to be at work today, so I walk home. The sunrise is beautiful. If this was a dream, I would have woken up by now. 

    I go home. 

    Crawl into bed. 

    Pull the covers over my head. 

    The phone rings. 

    God damn it. I'm not answering it. I don't care who the hell it is, I'm not answering it. I just want to get some sleep. 

    "Hello?" Of course I pick it up anyway. I've really got to learn to stick to my resolutions. 

    "Are you okay?" 

    Akimiya. Who else would it be but Akimiya. 

    "No. Thank you, good night." 

    I hang up. It's been a while since I was that rude to someone. Probably not since my first few days as a Shinigami. Tsuzuki taught me that I didn't need that defensive shell here. I learned that the people here would care for me, and being so hostile was unnecessary. 

    In the end, that was my biggest mistake. I let myself open up, be cared about. Fall in love. 

    In the end, falling in love is always the biggest mistake. 

~~~~ 

    I sleep. When I wake up, late afternoon, someone has come by. There's a bag of take-out Chinese food on my table, a fresh pot of tea, and a note that says "Konoe-kachou expects you in the office at the normal time tomorrow morning. Call if that isn't okay." I don't recognize the handwriting, which means it must be Akimiya. I've seen everyone else's handwriting by now. 

    Of course. Akimiya, my non-replacement for Tsuzuki, is the one who thinks of bringing me food. 

    I eat. Not because I feel like prolonging my life, but because I'm so damned hungry that my stomach aches. I force myself to eat slowly, so I don't get sick, but I finish everything Akimiya brought. I consider calling the office and saying I'd like another day off. But a day off for what? To sit at home and mope? 

    No. I'll go to work. Konoe-kachou won't be stupid enough to give another case so soon. It'll just be debriefings, staff meetings, the like. I can't get another mission soon enough. The thought of spending any more time around Tsuzuki in the near future is agonizing. He must hate me after what I said to him. 

    I spend the evening watching television and lounging. The portrait of a teenager wallowing in self-pity. I am sixteen years old, and have been dead for two years, so I have existed for eighteen total years. Tsuzuki is, I think, over a hundred. So why am I so much better at coming to grips with my emotions than he is? 

    If, of course, you call wallowing in self-pity a good emotional response. 

    Never mind. I'm just going to bed. 

~~~~ 

    Alarm. Good. No dreams. Not even the usual nightmares. I think my dreaming capabilities have been worn out for a while. All the better. I turn off the alarm. Pretend it's just a normal morning. Wash up. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. (As much as I can -- most of the food here has gone bad. I really was in the infirmary for a while.) Hopefully there'll be coffee and donuts at the office like usual. Or maybe I can ask Tsuzuki to go to Chijou and get one of those cinnamon buns he likes so much for me, if I give him extra money so he can get one for himself -- 

    Oh. Right. Tsuzuki is mad at me. I nearly forgot. 

    Right. Ignore the weird burning sensation in my eyes. Walk to work. I feel like my body is on auto-pilot. I guess not all the gauze got burned off by pain. It's a bright, sunny morning. A beautiful day. It always is, on this side of things. 

    There are indeed coffee and donuts in the office. I'm more of a tea person, myself, but I can handle coffee if it has a lot of sugar in it. 

    Yech. It tastes like those chocolate espresso beans. I think it's mocha, today. Most people like mocha coffee. I think it'll always bring back too many memories for me. I dump it out. There's hot water and a few tea bags. Not green tea, which I prefer, but some regular English tea. I think it's what Tatsumi-san likes. 

    I snag that and a chocolate-frosted donut, then look up as Tatsumi-san walks in. 

    "How are you feeling?" he asks. 

    I survey myself. Tired, hungry, headachey, and broken-hearted. "Fine." I even manage to keep my voice neutral. Way to go, me. 

    He gives me one of his looks, which, from Tatsumi-san, is quite scary. "I may not be an empath, but I can tell when someone is lying." 

    I glare at him. "I have no injuries. I slept long enough to recuperate from what happened. I'm fine, and I'd appreciate it if I didn't have to hear anything more on the subject." 

    He gives me another look. This one long and steady. Trying to see past my words. "Fine," he says. "Staff meeting in twenty minutes." 

    I don't ask about Tsuzuki, though I want to know. He's already walking away, anyway. I watch him go. 

    Akimiya walks over. Picks up a donut and a mug of coffee. Gives me a surreptitious glance. Says nothing. 

    All right, I'll admit it. The silence is driving me crazy. But I don't give in to it. I just eat my donut. I'm still really hungry. I'll have to go down to Chijou and treat myself to a nice lunch. I think I deserve it. Though eating alone in restaurants for lunch really loses its charm after a few times. 

    I don't want to say anything. Don't want Akimiya to know that I'm practically jumpy over what happened last night with Tsuzuki. "Thanks for the food," I finally say. "Everything in my fridge was spoiled. How long was I under that curse, anyway?" That's good, Hisoka. Engage in small talk, then maybe you can get around to important topics. 

    "About two weeks," Akimiya says, sipping his coffee. "I see you've lost your taste for mocha." 

    I roll my eyes and don't reply to that statement. "The tea was still hot when I woke up. You should've waited. You could have eaten with me." 

    He shrugs. 

    There's a brief silence. 

    "Do you want to go to Chijou for lunch?" I ask. "I owe you for saving me last night." 

    "Sure," he says. "Even though all I did was stand there. What do you think that doll was supposed to do, anyway?" 

    "Beats me." I sigh. "I'm not sure I want to know anyway. The two curses were tied together. Maybe he was telling the truth, after all. It's rare, but it does happen." 

    "But why would he have told you, in that case?" Akimiya asks. My question from last night. But after my little conversation with Tsuzuki, the answer seems much more obvious. 

    "If he had killed me, Tsuzuki never would have forgiven him for it." I shake my head. "In the end, it had to be my choice. I had to know what I was doing when I broke the doll, so Tsuzuki would hold me responsible even though Muraki was the one who cursed me." 

    "You chose to die," Akimiya says softly. 

    "No. Not precisely. I chose to take a chance that might result in my death. I didn't know whether or not he was telling the truth. Until you walked in, I didn't even know whether or not I was dreaming. I took a chance that I might die, because if breaking the doll was the only thing that could break the spell . . . I would rather die than live under that curse for eternity." 

    Akimiya considers this for a minute. "Okay. I get it. I think." 

    "Muraki wants Tsuzuki," I explain. "I stand in the way. But if he just kills me, that won't help. It would get rid of me in body, but not in spirit. If I chose to die, that might make Tsuzuki doubt how much I cared for him . . . enough for Muraki to get in. He's a master of manipulation." 

    "I know," Akimiya says. "I saw your dream." 

    "Oh. Yes." 

    "What are you going to do about Tsuzuki?" 

    I tense, and feel silly for tensing. "What do you mean, do?" 

    He just gives me a look. A look that equals Tatsumi-san in terms of making me feel like Idiot Number One. 

    "I'm not going to do anything," I say, looking away. 

    "You're an idiot, Hisoka." 

    "No," I reply. "I'm just sick of being hurt all the time." I finish my donut, then drain my cup of tea and toss it into the trash. "Come on. Staff meeting calls." 

~~~~ 

    If the first part of the day was hell, the staff meeting somehow manages to be worse. To begin with, I have to give the detailed version of what went on between Muraki and I yesterday. I try to ignore the looks Tsuzuki is sending my way. I can't tell if he's angry or just upset. Either way, I don't want to meet his eyes. 

    Everyone is pretty interested in the fact that Akimiya's dampening field extends to Muraki, so when my summary is finished, he becomes the center of the discussion. Turns out Watari never really figured out how Akimiya's powers worked -- we all just knew that he has them. This is the topic of conversation for a good twenty minutes. I drink my tea and try to look small. 

    The staff meeting ends without Tsuzuki and I having technically spoken a word to each other. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

    I spend the morning keeping myself busy as well as I can. Which is not, in all honesty, very well. I don't want to think about Tsuzuki, which must be why he's all I can think about. 

    I'm beginning to wonder when I went from being content to love him from a distance, and being torn apart by the fact that he doesn't love me in return. 

    In all honesty, I'm not sure it was that big a change. All of my realizations were so fast. Akimiya was the one who convinced me I was actually in love with him. But I already knew that, deep down inside. 

    No, what really did it was that fourth dream. Until Tsuzuki said he loved me, I didn't realize how happy it would make me. And now I can't forget that momentary happiness. I want it back. But I can't have it, because Tsuzuki doesn't love me. 

    It's somehow ironically funny that out of all those horrible nightmares, the one that sticks with me the most is the one that wasn't a nightmare at all. 

    I woke up to the nightmare. 

    "You look way more thoughtful than can possibly be good for you." Akimiya dumps my jacket on my desk. I blink at him. That's brainpower for you. Maybe I didn't get enough sleep after all. "Let's go to lunch." 

    "Sure." I pick up my jacket and thankfully flee the office. I can feel Tsuzuki's eyes on me as we leave. 

    "It's funny," I say as we get a table and sit down, "I feel like I've known you a lot longer than I really have." 

    He shrugs. "Adversity draws people together. For two weeks, you were forced to rely on me to keep you sane. If that's not enough to create trust, I don't know what is." 

    "True." 

    We get some tea and order our food. Sit in silence for a few minutes. 

    "So did I succeed?" Akimiya asks abruptly. 

    I blink at him. "Huh?" is my incredibly intelligent reply. 

    "Did I succeed in keeping you sane," he clarifies. 

    "I haven't decided yet." I sip at my tea. My stomach is finally starting to calm down from what it's been through. "I'm not sure I was ever really sane to begin with." 

    Akimiya, very wisely, doesn't reply to that other than to let out a little laugh. 

    "What do you think?" I ask. 

    "Do I think you're sane?" He apparently wants to be clear on exactly what I'm asking. 

    "Yeah." 

    He gives the question due consideration. "No, not really," he finally says. "But you're no less sane than when I met you, so I'll say I succeeded in keeping you sane. But you're in love -- and no one in love is entirely sane." 

    I can't help but laugh at that, but it doesn't really seem funny. "I don't want to be in love anymore." 

    He sips his tea and eyes me thoughtfully over the rim of the mug. "That's because you think it's unrequited." 

    I shrug. "Isn't it?" 

    "Depends on how you define the term," Akimiya replies. "It's obvious that Tsuzuki-san cares about you a great deal." 

    "But not enough," I say in a low voice. 

    "Not enough?" He considers that. "No. Just not in the same way you do. That's different from not being enough. I think he could love you, if he could manage to give himself a break. It's what I said before this whole mess; he's waiting to see if it's going to blow up in his face. And now he's more scared than before, because it came so close to doing just that." 

    I have to admit that, for Akimiya, he's making a frightening amount of sense. The waitress brings our food and Akimiya thanks her with a charming smile. 

    "You were in love, weren't you," I say softly. 

    He blinks at me, then smiles. But it's different from his usual smile. It's a little sad. Wistful. "Yeah. Before I died. I was engaged. How could you tell?" 

    "Just . . . you seem to know an awful lot about it. Far more than I do." 

    He smiles again, more genuine this time. "You're only sixteen, Hisoka. Eighteen including Shinigami time, right? Give yourself time. You're just a teenager." 

    I roll my eyes. "You're only twenty-three. You're not that much older than I am." 

    "But as you said. I have experience." 

    "Hm. What happened to her?" 

    "Nothing happened to her. I got killed." Akimiya looks thoughtful again. "I wanted to come back so I could keep an eye on her. To make sure she was okay. She seems to be doing all right. I'm glad. Also because . . ." His voice trails off. 

    "Because?" I prompt. I shouldn't be asking, I know I shouldn't, but Akimiya isn't the most private of people anyway, and I want to know. 

    "Well, because the man who murdered me did it because he wanted her," Akimiya says, in a matter-of-fact tone that lets me know he wasn't offended by my question. "And I wanted to make sure he doesn't get her. By any means I can." 

    "Would you be angry if she found someone else to love?" I'm curious about this. I also want to steer the conversation away from his death. That's enough to make us both feel a little awkward. Or maybe just me. 

    "Of course not." He blinks at me, as if this hadn't even occurred to him. "I want her to be happy. It doesn't matter if she's happy with me or with someone else. I mean, I don't want her to forget about me . . . but if she finds happiness with someone new, that's wonderful." He smiles, and I have absolutely no doubt that he means every word of it. 

    "You're the most selfless person I've ever met," I say, not really thinking. 

    "Really?" He looks sort of startled. "I just figured it was common sense." 

    I laugh. "It's not just that. But . . . helping me through the curse. Tying yourself into my nightmares like that. It could've been dangerous for you. And now you, and only you, are braving my possible wrath and trying to talk me out of my funk." 

    "I'll talk to Tsuzuki, too." His eyes gleam. 

    "Please don't." But I'm smiling. 

    He shrugs. "Hisoka, you're miserable without him, and you're going to continue to be miserable until the two of you get a grip and get together. If I don't talk to him, who will?" 

    "You can't talk him into loving me," I say quietly. 

    "I know. And besides, if he doesn't decide that on his own, it won't mean anything. It's what I said to him earlier. He has to love you because he wants to, not because you want him to. But I also do believe that he's already in love with you, and just doesn't know it yet." 

    I just shake my head. 

    "You've lived too long without hope, Hisoka," Akimiya says. His voice is very soft. I'm not sure I was even supposed to hear it. Then he resumes speaking in a normal tone. "I'll talk to him." 

    "I don't want you to." 

    "You know what, Hisoka? I don't give a damn. Because if I have to be your partner while you mope endlessly, I'll go crazy myself." 

    "You don't know what it's like to live without hope." It's a challenge. Proving that I heard what he said. Agreeing that he's right, but denying that he had any right to say it. "Ever since I was born, I've been hated." I rest my chin in my hands, looking away. "I don't deserve Tsuzuki any more than he thinks he deserves me." 

    "Oh, for the love of -- you two are both morons," Akimiya decrees. "I'm talking to him whether you like it or not." 

    "Go ahead." My voice sounds dull even in my own ears. "It won't make any difference." 

~~~~ 

_See? Lots of angst. But at least it isn't really a cliffhanger. Just kind of an... angst-hanger. If such a thing exists. _

Feedback? Pretty please? 


	10. Chapter Nine

_At this point I must bow and worship my pal Karasu, who helped me out with Tatsumi in this part. ::pauses:: Okay, she wrote about 90% of his lines. She had to talk sense into Hisoka because all I wanted to do was beat his head into the wall. Eheh._

Part Nine 

    Either Akimiya decided not to talk to Tsuzuki, or what he said had absolutely no effect at all. The next few days pass in sullen silence from both of us. It's probably not the most miserable I've ever been; that's a statement reserved for the three years between my first encounter with Muraki and my death. But I'm definitely miserable. Tsuzuki seems to be pretty depressed, too. But I don't know why. Did my words about his self-esteem actually get through, or is he just angry with me? 

    It's four days before the next mission comes in. 

    Fortunately, the beginning, at least, requires mostly research. It gets handed to Watari and the Gushoshin, but it's with the understanding that when they have a place to start, Akimiya and I are going to go. 

    "You should talk to him before we leave," Akimiya says, startling the hell out of me as he wanders over to me. I'm in the field again. Where Tsuzuki said he loved me in the dream. Call me nostalgic; I certainly won't argue. 

    I turn to look at Akimiya, somehow keeping an entirely neutral expression. Points for me. "Talk to who about what?" 

    He gives me a disgusted look, which I completely deserve. 

    I look away. "Tsuzuki and I have nothing to discuss." 

    "Right." The disgusted look doesn't go away. 

    "Nothing that it'll help to discuss, anyway." I raise an eyebrow at him. "I take it you never talked to him like you said you were going to." 

    "I thought I would respect your wishes," Akimiya says, in an acidic tone. "Maybe that was stupid of me." 

    I shrug. It's kind of amusing how my apathy completely infuriates him. 

    "I'll talk to him tomorrow," Akimiya says. "Because keep one thing in mind, Hisoka -- you told me that when you thought you were dying, you couldn't stand the thought of dying without ever telling Tsuzuki you loved him. And now you're going to go off on a potentially dangerous mission with the two of you not even on speaking terms? That's an excellent idea, Hisoka." 

    I glare at him. "What am I supposed to say to him? I've told him I love him. He . . ." My voice cracks. Damn it, I was doing so well, too. "He doesn't want me." 

    Akimiya looks at me steadily. "Hisoka, if you go on an assignment like this, you're going to get yourself killed, and you will feel like an idiot." 

    "What, are you precognitive now? Leave me alone." And I walk past him, the last of my friends. 

~~~~ 

    It's annoying, not knowing exactly when we're going to have to leave. I'm completely on edge. Tsuzuki keeps . . . looking at me. In that way that makes me want to cry. But I don't. I think I may be learning to live like this, as scary as that may be. It's a reinstitution of the gauze. Emotional gauze. Listen to me. I sound like I'm crazy. 

    But that's exactly what it is. The whole world just fades out some, so it doesn't hurt as much anymore. 

    Five o'clock. Time to go home. I wonder where Tsuzuki's been sleeping. I don't know whether or not he's okay at night. I'm not there for him anymore. 

    I have to stop thinking like this. 

    "Kurosaki-kun?" Tatsumi-san sticks his head out of his office. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" 

    I blink at him. "Uh, sure." I haven't done anything wrong lately, so this must be about Tsuzuki. Ah, yes. Tatsumi-san wants us to be 'happy together.' I think he's in for a rude surprise. 

    Tatsumi-san ushers me in and closes the door. Then he pushes his glasses up on his nose and gives me that glare of his. "Kurosaki-kun, what on earth are you doing?" 

    I look at him. Try not to look too puzzled. "Standing here . . .?" 

    "Exactly," he says. "Why aren't you talking to Tsuzuki-san?" 

    "Tsuzuki and I have nothing to talk about." Still keeping my voice even. I turn to go. 

    Tatsumi-san grabs my arm, which is rather unexpected of him. "That's not acceptable, Kurosaki-kun." 

    "What business of yours is it?" All right, I'm snapping. I'm losing my so-called perfect cool. Then again, I was never very good at it to begin with. 

    "If you two keep building the tension up in the office, soon it's going to be everyone's business," Tatsumi-san says evenly. 

    That stings. 

    Seeing that he's gotten to me, he continues in the same vein. "Watari, Sakamoto-san, and I were the only ones to hear your outburst the other day, but if you don't want it becoming common knowledge, you and Tsuzuki-san have to come to some sort of civil agreement." 

    I fold my arms and glare at him. That's about all I can muster. 

    "Understood?" 

    "What am I supposed to say to him, Tatsumi-san?" All the anger goes out of me. I sort of droop into one of his chairs. 

    "You could start with 'I'm sorry,'" Tatsumi-san says dryly. 

    "Sorry for what?" I snap. "What did I do wrong?" 

    "That little speech you gave in front of us, for one thing," Tatsumi-san says. 

    "Was any part of that a lie?" 

    "No, but it could have been saved for behind closed doors." 

    He has a point there. "I wasn't thinking about it. He started the conversation, anyway." 

    "Because he was worried about you." Tatsumi-san sits down behind his desk. I feel like I'm in a shrink's office. How did I get into this? 

    "Because he was mad at me," I say stiffly. "For going in his place. I tried to save him from some pain, and he took it as a direct insult." 

    Tatsumi-san sighs. "Tsuzuki-san has a tendency to take many things as insults. But he was more worried than angry." 

    "He's mad at me now," I say stubbornly. "Obviously." 

    "How can you tell?" 

    I give him an incredulous look. "He's certainly acting like he's mad at me." 

    Tatsumi-san folds his hands in front of his face for a long minute, looking at me carefully. "You know what I think? I'm willing to bet he thinks you're mad at him." 

    I sort of am, but I'm not sure I want to admit that. 

    Tatsumi-san continues. "Thus he is avoiding you, because if there's one thing Tsuzuki-san hates, it's having people he cares about be mad at him." 

    "Would it be wrong to be mad at him?" I ask carefully. "I mean, I'm not very angry at him. But . . . I don't know why I'm mad. Because no matter what I say, he doesn't listen." 

    "No, you're not wrong," Tatsumi-san says, and I sag with relief. "But with Tsuzuki-san, you need to explain in a comforting manner exactly why you're mad at him. You can't just glare at him from across the room and ignore him the rest of the time. Being mad at him without communication isn't getting either of you anywhere." 

    "It's not like talking will do us any good," I say with a sigh. 

    Tatsumi-san glares, looking like he's about to smack me. "Look, enough with the defeatist attitude. I swear, the two of you have no idea how much you sound alike sometimes." 

    I ignore the latter part of that statement. "I have a right to be a defeatist. When has anything in my life ever gone right?" 

    He raises an eyebrow at me. "So you regret saving Tsuzuki?" 

    "No, of course not!" I glare at him. "That's not what I meant at all." 

    "Then something went right." 

    I'm still glaring. "Not in the long run." 

    His eyebrows go higher. "How do you figure? He's still around." 

    "But not mine." I stare at the floor. Why am I having this conversation with Tatsumi-san, of all people? 

    "No. Not right now. But that isn't why you saved him." He gives me a skeptical look. "Or are you telling me that if you'd known he wouldn't be yours, you wouldn't have saved him?" 

    "Of course not!" I repeat. 

    "There you are, then," he says. "Something went right. Do you know what a good chunk of Tsuzuki-san's problem is?" 

    "No, but I'm sure you'll enlighten me." Color me bitter . . . 

    "He's afraid he'll hurt you. He wants to offer you what you want, but he's afraid something will go wrong. He's not mad at you." 

    "Oh, and he doesn't think about how much completely ignoring me hurts me?" Tatsumi-san gives me an incredulous look, and I feel like a complete and utter asshole. "Never mind. That was incredibly hypocritcal of me. I take it back." 

    He nods a little. 

    Silence. 

    "I don't want to talk to him," I say. "But I don't know what to say to you." 

    "Why don't you want to talk to him?" Tatsumi-san asks. 

    "Because . . . I'm scared." I'm not even sure he heard me say that, I said it so quietly. 

    He sighs softly. "Kurosaki-kun, these days you're scared every time the two of you are in the same room. If you talk to him, at least you'll know where you stand. You won't be scared of a nebulous thing that may or may not be." 

    "But if it's nebulous, I can still hold on to that tiny piece of hope," I admit. 

    He sighs again. "What exactly do you want from Tsuzuki-san? And don't just say you want him to love you." 

    But that is what I want. I search for alternate phrasing. "I just want him to need me as much as I need him. And for him to always be there for me." That's all I mean to say, but the last bit slips out anyway. "And for him to not be ashamed of kissing me." 

    Tatsumi-san raises an eyebrow. I feel like an idiot. 

    "To begin with," he says, "I think you've already gotten the first two." 

    "I don't know if he needs me that much," I say. 

    "The two of you aren't on speaking terms," Tatsumi-san says, "and he's miserable. Please don't question such obvious matters." He's got an eyebrow twitch. It's kind of funny. "And he'll certainly always be there for you. As for the bit about being ashamed of kissing you . . . would you care to clarify?" 

    I look at the floor, turning red. Why am I discussing this with him? "Hekissedme." 

    "Excuse me?" 

    "He. Kissed. Me." 

    "I gathered that much." Tatsumi-san is a master at making me feel stupid. "When?" 

    "Right after I first told him I loved him." That's it, stare at the shoes. "Akimiya walked in on us." 

    "Why did he kiss you?" 

    "He said . . . I was special to him." My eyes are burning and I can barely talk past the lump in my throat. If I cry in front of Tatsumi-san, I will kill myself. Metaphorically speaking, of course. "And that if that was enough . . . he'd stay with me. And then he kissed me. But later he asked Akimiya not to tell anyone what he'd seen. He thought I was asleep, but I wasn't." 

    "So you immediately discounted what he'd said, about staying with you," Tatsumi-san surmises. I nod. Rub my eyes. I hadn't really thought about how much this had been bugging me. "And then, when you had that fourth dream -- don't look at me like that, Sakamoto-san told me -- it made things even worse." 

    I nod again. Oh God, I really am going to cry if he keeps this up. 

    "But I don't think Tsuzuki-san was ashamed in the way you think he was." 

    I just blink at him. 

    "Allow me to use a metaphor." 

    "Uh oh." 

    "Have you ever gotten some sort of gift from a relative that you really liked, only the gift was something terrible?" 

    I want to tell him that I never got any gifts when I was alive, but he's stopped twitching and I want to keep it that way, so I just nod. 

    "Let's say it's your grandmother. You don't want to hurt her feelings, so you say 'I really like it' or something like that. Which is of course a blatant lie. And you know it's a lie, and if you use this to say that Tsuzuki-san doesn't care for you, I may resort to violence." He must have seen the look on my face. "You don't want to make your relative feel bad, but you'd still be ashamed if someone called you on the lie. You're ashamed of the falsehood, but are you ashamed of your grandmother?" 

    "So your point was that he was ashamed that the kiss was a lie, not that he actually kissed me." I pause. "You know what? That doesn't make me feel better in the slightest." 

    Twitch. "He didn't kiss you as a lie. He kissed you for the wrong reasons. His desire to make you feel better, to return your feelings, that wasn't a lie. He just chose a method he wasn't ready for." 

    "I guess." I don't agree, but I get the feeling that I shouldn't say that. 

    He seems to know anyway. "He thought that was specifically something that would make you feel better. But, correct me if I'm wrong, you wanted the affection, not the kiss itself." 

    "Yeah," I say, and there I have to admit I feel a little better. "But how do you prove love?" 

    "Love is the need to have the person around," Tatsumi-san says. "And if you ask me, you two are proving it quite effectively by driving the entire lot of us crazy by not speaking to each other and being completely miserable." 

    "I guess." 

    "And I really think that the whole physical element of a relationship is lost on both of you," Tatsumi-san continues. "Even on you. You don't want much more than a few kisses and hugs, do you?" 

    If I get much more embarrassed, my head will explode. Mental note: never discuss sex with Seiichirou Tatsumi. "Right." 

    "However, what do you think the odds are that Tsuzuki-san thinks you want more?" 

    I blink. Stare at him. Why did that never occur to me? 

    "He's nervous, because he thinks you really do want more than he can logically give you in the near future. He's wrong, but since you're not speaking to him, he doesn't know that." 

    "I still don't know how to talk to him." I frown suddenly. "Why aren't you talking to him?" 

    "Because Sakamoto-san said he would. And he asked me to talk to you, because, and I quote 'what I'm saying sure as hell isn't working.'" 

    I can't help but laugh a little at that. 

    "Will you talk to him?" 

    "I'll . . . try." 

    "That's good enough for me." 

~~~~ 

    

    I decided that I had better talk to Tsuzuki before I lost what little nerve I had. This resulted in what would probably count as the most awkward moment in my life. Very unfortunately for me, Akimiya chose about the same moment to corner Tsuzuki that Tatsumi-san had chosen to corner me. 

    So, after I got a cup of tea to calm my nerves, I walked down to Watari's lab. And now I'm standing outside the door, listening to Akimiya talk to Tsuzuki. I really know I should leave. I'm not the eavesdropping type. But . . . I can't pass by this chance to see how Tsuzuki really feels. Around me, he can be guarded, because he knows what I want from him. If I listen to this, I might see how his mind works. 

    I walk up to the door as Akimiya is saying, "Why do you think he's mad at you?" 

    Ah, deja vu all over again . . . 

    "Because he's avoiding me," Tsuzuki answers. 

    "You're avoiding him. Are you mad at him?" 

    I peek inside. Akimiya is sitting on one of the infirmary beds while Tsuzuki cleans something up. I suspect Tsuzuki is cleaning only so he doesn't have to actually look at Akimiya. I hold my breath, not sure I want to hear the answer to this question. 

    "I don't know if I'm mad or not," Tsuzuki answers, sounding very distressed. "He . . . he said such mean things to me, but he was right. And I can't get mad at him for being right. I mean . . . he's only trying to help me." 

    I kind of sag against the wall, feeling relieved. Despite Tatsumi-san's reassurances, I really did think that Tsuzuki was mad at me. 

    "I still think he's mad at me," Tsuzuki goes on to add. 

    "How would you know if you won't talk to him?" 

    "He keeps glaring at me," Tsuzuki mumbles, and I feel a blush rise to my cheeks. I really have been glaring at him. That's not just his paranoia. 

    "I really don't think he's very mad," Akimiya says. "And even if he is, I'm one hundred percent positive that he'll forgive you for whatever he might be mad about if you'll just ask him." 

    "Don't know why," Tsuzuki says softly, and I resist the urge to bang my head against the wall. 

    "Because he loves you, Tsuzuki." I peek in just in time to see Tsuzuki flinch away from those words. "Does it hurt you when I say that?" 

    "Of course not," Tsuzuki says, a little too quickly. 

    "You looked like you were hurting," Akimiya says. 

    "Why would anyone love me?" Tsuzuki asks the counter. 

    The counter, naturally, doesn't answer, so Akimiya does. "Tsuzuki, I've known you less than a month, and I can say with confidence that there's plenty about you to love. You're considerate and you're handsome and you're funny, when you go near chocolate cake you're probably the most adorable person in all of existence. You're incredibly caring and kind. You're probably one of the most lovable people on earth, and you wonder why Hisoka has fallen for you? You should be wondering why it's never happened before!" 

    It has, but I'm not sure Tsuzuki ever realized how Tatsumi-san feels about him. I wonder briefly why Tatsumi-san never tried to win Tsuzuki over himself. Did he just think they weren't right for each other? Or maybe he did try, and Tsuzuki ran from him the way he's trying to run from me. And Tatsumi-san either isn't as stubborn as I am, or thought that being too stubborn might hurt Tsuzuki in the long run. 

    Tsuzuki is bright red. He's probably never received such a long string of compliments before in his life. "But . . ." 

    "I don't know where you got such a low opinion of yourself," Akimiya cuts him off casually, as if he didn't realize Tsuzuki had started to talk. 

    Tsuzuki looks at the floor. "Things . . . have gone wrong," he says quietly. "I hurt everything I touch. I'm . . . I'm not even human." 

    It's all I can do not to burst through the door at that comment and tell him that after all the discussions we had on the subject, he had damn well better not change his mind now. But I hold my ground, waiting to see what Akimiya does with it. 

    "Not human?" Akimiya asks. He sounds surprised. Then he frowns. "I guess that depends on how you define it. I don't know where you got the idea that you aren't human, but you look human, act human, and feel human, so you may as well be human. It's all semantics, really." 

    Tsuzuki is blinking at him. I don't think anyone ever tried to disarm his argument about his humanity using semantics before. 

    "Besides," Akimiya says. "What do you think you are?" 

    Tsuzuki just stammers for a minute. 

    "See? You don't even know. So you may as well be human, since you don't have anything else to be." 

    Tsuzuki blinks at him some more. 

    "Anyway," Akimiya says, "just because things have gone wrong is no reason to crawl into your own little bubble and let your life get worse. Why don't you try to improve things rather than hiding from them? It's not like Hisoka's life has been peaches and cream. He'd be good for you." 

    Tsuzuki looks away. Actually, he's looking at me, but he doesn't see me. The door is only open a crack. "I don't deserve him," he says. "I would only hurt him in the end. I can't give him what he wants. What he needs." 

    "Tsuzuki, you don't know that," Akimiya says patiently. I really admire his patience. Tatsumi-san's, too. I wouldn't want to have to deal with myself, or Tsuzuki. "For one thing, I can't stand the whole 'I don't deserve him' idea. He is in love with you. That's his choice, not yours. You can't say you don't deserve him when it's entirely up to him to decide. Obviously you do deserve him, since he's fallen in love with you." 

    Tsuzuki doesn't reply. 

    "And what on earth do you think he wants that you can't provide?" Akimiya asks. "He wants your company. You give him that on a regular basis. He wants your affection; you already want to give him that even if you don't want to admit it. That's about it." He pauses. "Don't give me that wounded puppy look. And don't tell me I'm wrong. And please don't tell me you can't give him the right kind of affection. Tsuzuki, honestly, Hisoka's gone through the same thing as you; he doesn't want anything more than some kisses and cuddles." Now I'm blushing. Akimiya definitely conferred with Tatsumi-san before they had these conferences. "I know you're terrified of sex -- anyone who's been through what you have would be. Which is what you have to keep in mind. Hisoka has been through this too. He won't be ready for sex for . . . oh, at least a few years. And by then, you might be ready, too. It's not like Hisoka will push you if you're not." 

    Silence. 

    "So what's the problem?" 

    More silence for a minute. Then Tsuzuki says softly, "I'm . . . so scared." 

    I shouldn't be listening to this. 

    "What are you scared of, Tsuzuki?" 

    "A lot of things." Tsuzuki lets out a soft laugh. I definitely should not be listening to this. "That . . . he'll go away. That I'll lose him. That I'll hurt him." He pauses, the blurts out, "When I nearly died, he brought me back, because . . . he needed me. And I couldn't abandon him. But I'm scared. Because . . . I need him. I've never needed anyone before. I don't know what I would do if I lost him." 

    My heart feels like one big ache in my chest. I know I should leave, but I can't bring myself to. I want . . . no, I need to hear what he says. 

    "For one thing," Akimiya says, his voice very gentle, "Hisoka will never just leave you. It's true that you may lose him . . . we're Shinigami, and it's a dangerous job. But with the two of you looking out for each other, I think you'll be okay. And you two would be very happy together." 

    "We can't even sleep in the same bed," Tsuzuki says bitterly. 

    "For now," Akimiya says. "But dreams don't last forever. I'd say in the fairly near future, you'll only be having those dreams once a week, or so. And if Hisoka works on his shielding some, I think you two would be able to manage it. It'd be a risk, but not a very dangerous one." 

    "But how do I know I won't hurt him?" Tsuzuki asks, his voice small. 

    "You don't know that," Akimiya says. "There's no way to know that without being able to see the future. But Hisoka's a tough cookie. He can take a lot. You don't know that you wouldn't hurt him -- but I do know that you're hurting him right now, by pushing him away. So take a chance. It'll be better for both of you, in the long run." 

    "I don't know how to care about someone the way he cares about me," Tsuzuki says. He sounds lost. 

    "Tsuzuki, the way you're worrying about how you might hurt him, and how you can't get by without him, trust me," Akimiya says. "You don't need to change a thing about how you feel." 

    I creep away then. I've heard all I need to hear, and I'm so confused that I can barely walk straight. 

    Somehow, I can't bring myself to believe it. I know that Tsuzuki wants me to be happy. But does he really care for me the way I do for him? It seems impossible after all the denying he's done. Is he just doing this to make me happy? Or is this actually the way he feels? 

    I've lived too long without hope. 

    I want to believe. 

    But I don't know if I can. 

~~~~ 

_Now, raise your hand if you want to boot Hisoka in the head, and leave feedback if you want me to post the next part in which he gets booted. ^_~_


	11. Chapter Ten

_Well, ladies and gents, this is the last part. Hope you all enjoyed it; thanks for all the great support. _

Warning: This part contains enough sap to make a year's supply of maple syrup. 

Part Ten 

    I walk home in a daze. Nothing feels real. Reinstatement of the gauze? No, I think it's just my confusion. Believe me, there's quite enough of that. I make myself dinner on automatic pilot and eat it without tasting a single bite. I'm just sitting down to do some serious thinking when the phone rings. 

    "Kurosaki desu." 

    "Hisoka?" It's Akimiya. Who else. "Did Tatsumi-san talk to you like he was supposed to?" 

    "Yes." I don't volunteer any more information than that. 

    Unfortunately, Akimiya is not about to be put off. "And?" 

    "And what?" 

    Akimiya sighs. I allow myself a tiny smile. Even in the midst of all this confusion, it's fun to frustrate him. "And how did it go?" 

    "It went fine." I want to tell him to go away, I need to think, but I'm not really feeling mean enough. Not today. After all, he's only trying to help. 

    He sighs again. "All right, I can see that you're not going to tell me a damn thing, and I suppose that's your prerogative." 

    "Very good, Akimiya." 

    "I talked to Tsuzuki," he says brightly. 

    "Mm," I reply. "Tatsumi-san told me you were going to." 

    "It went very well," Akimiya says. I can almost see the smirk on his face. Damn the man anyway. 

    "That's good to hear." 

    Pause. Akimiya sighs yet again. "Hisoka, you are going to talk to him tomorrow, right?" 

    "I'll see if I feel like it." 

    "Because I have him convinced for the moment, but you know how Tsuzuki thinks; leave him alone for more than two consecutive days and he starts to question everything, and what I said today will completely fall apart. If you're going to grow a backbone and do it, you have to do it soon." 

    "Convinced of what?" I ask suspiciously. 

    "Any number of things, most importantly that you don't hate him, because he was damn well convinced that you do." 

    I must have missed that part of the conversation. "Why did he think I hate him?" 

    "Because you've been avoiding him like he's a carrier of typhoid, Hisoka. Will you please get a grip and talk to him?" 

    "Why didn't you just ask Tatsumi-san what I said?" I ask, annoyed. 

    "I did. He wouldn't tell me." 

    "Anyone ever tell you that you're a nosy little jerk, Akimiya?" 

    "All the time, Hisoka. Will you talk to him?" 

    "You'll just have to wait and find out, now won't you." I hang up on him, feeling a bit nasty. But self-righteously nasty. Akimiya really needs to learn to stay out of what isn't his business. 

    I flop onto my couch. I have to be reasonable here. I could be happy with Tsuzuki. And if I go by what he said to Akimiya, he's perfectly willing to be with me. To make me happy. Why am I trying so hard to deny it? 

    It's what Akimiya kept saying. I've lived too long without hope. When hope is dumped into my lap like this, I don't know what it is. I can recognize it, but I can't hold onto it. It just slides out from between my fingers. 

    I have to get past this somehow. 

    But before I talk to Tsuzuki, there's something I need to know. 

~~~~ 

    "Why didn't you ever tell him?" 

    Tatsumi-san looks up from his work. He appears to be startled. I suppose he is. I'm probably the first person who's ever asked into his personal life at all, let alone asked about his non-relationship with Tsuzuki. But I have to know. If Tatsumi-san tried, and something went wrong, I need to be prepared for that. Whatever mistake Tatsumi-san made, I don't want to make it. 

    He just blinks at me for a minute, then motions for me to come in and shut the door. I do so, and sit down, feeling ill-at-ease. 

    "I assume by 'him', you mean Tsuzuki-san?" he surmises. 

    I nod. 

    "Why do you ask?" He folds his hands and looks at me. It's bordering on glare. I sort of squirm in my seat. There's a definite 'it's none of your business' tone in his voice. 

    "Because I just . . . wanted to know," I say. 

    "You want to know how I can tell you to talk to him while I never talked to him myself?" Tatsumi-san asks. 

    "No, that's not it," I say. Though, in retrospect, he is being a bit hypocritical by forcing me to do something he could never do himself. "I just want to know what went wrong. So I don't make the same mistake." 

    "If you'd wanted to know that, you would have asked what went wrong. But you asked why I never told him." 

    "I guess I wasn't thinking." 

    Tatsumi-san just looks at me for a second. "You're more perceptive than you know, Kurosaki-kun. Because you're right. Nothing went wrong. I simply never told him, and he never realized." 

    "But . . . why not?" 

    "Because, between your relationship with Tsuzuki-san and mine, there is a slight difference. Tsuzuki-san returns your feelings. He didn't return mine." 

    "Oh," I say faintly. 

    "And I was smart enough to realize that, and also to realize that saying anything could jeopardize the friendship we had. I was content to admire from a distance. Perhaps he could have returned my affection, if I had told him, but it was a chance I didn't want to take." He gives me a long, steady look. "If you want to avoid making the same mistake I did, go talk to Tsuzuki-san." 

    I stand up. "Arigatou, Tatsumi-san." 

    "Good luck." He's already turning back to his papers, so I take my cue to leave, feeling more thoughtful than ever. 

~~~~ 

    I have really got to get it together. I spent my lunch break practically hiding. I had meant to talk to him then, but maybe it can wait until after work. Or maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow sounds good. I'm really not sure I'm up to doing this today. I think I may actually be panicking. This is just not good. 

    "Oi, Hisoka!" Akimiya pulls me aside after lunch. "The Gushoshin have figured out the new case." 

    My heart plummets to the bottom of my stomach. "Oh?" I manage. 

    "Yeah." Akimiya spends a while giving me the details. "We were supposed to leave right away, of course, but I managed to convince Konoe-kachou that we should wait until tomorrow morning." 

    "Why?" I ask suspiciously. 

    "Because you aren't leaving until you've talked to Tsuzuki," Akimiya says sternly. "I don't care if I have to lock the two of you in a closet together for tonight." 

    I blush. "I was going to talk to him after work." 

    "Sure you were, Hisoka. You just keep telling yourself that. But at this point, you had better, or you may not get a chance to at all." 

    "Right," I say, and take a deep breath. 

    Staff meeting. Discuss the new case. Look normal. Try not to look surprised or grateful at the edict that we're going to leave tomorrow morning rather than immediately. Try not to look at Tsuzuki. Try to keep stomach firmly anchored in its appropriate position. Work is over before I know it. 

    I find Tsuzuki in the staff lounge, getting his coat. "Um . . ." Oh, real good start. 

    He turns around a little too quickly. "Konnichi wa, Hisoka!" He sounds way more cheerful than he looks. But never let it be said that Tsuzuki is not extremely good at faking cheerfulness. 

    I take a deep breath. Force myself to spit it out. "We need to talk." 

    He doesn't look surprised, or even nervous. Actually, he looks miserable. Damn it, I think I waited too long. He's got some weird idea in his head. More deep breaths. Force oxygen to my brain before I pass out. "Tsuzuki . . . I'm not mad at you." I suppose that's better than 'um,' even if I didn't know I was going to say it until I did. 

    He gives me a timid look. "You're not?" 

    "No, I'm really not." C'mon, Hisoka, keep going. "And . . . I'm sorry. For yelling at you in front of everyone else. And for avoiding you." 

    "I'm sorry too," Tsuzuki says, looking away. "For not listening." 

    Well, that was . . . spectacular. Words have now completely failed me, for the second time in my life. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say. 

    "Why do you love me, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asks wearily. I shudder, feeling deja vu wash over me. Tsuzuki gives me a curious look. "What's wrong?" 

    "Just . . . you asked me that . . . in one of the dreams. The one I never told you about." I force myself to keep talking. It's getting easier, the more I say. "The one where you said you would try to love me in return. Until I dreamed it had happened . . . I guess I didn't realize how badly I had been wanting to hear you say that." 

    Tsuzuki sits down in one of the chairs, and motions me to join him. I sit at the end of the table, resting my elbows on the table and my chin in my hands. 

    "This isn't a dream, Hisoka," Tsuzuki says. 

    "I know," I reply. "And that makes it even harder. I know I'm awake, which means that what I say and do right now will actually make a difference." 

    He sighs softly. 

    "It's hard to explain why I love you, Tsuzuki." Something inside me has loosened up. I'm not having trouble talking any more. I suppose I've accepted that this is something that has to happen. "I think I've loved you for a long time, and just never realized. I knew that . . . that I needed you. I told you that. I knew that I wanted to stay with you. I just didn't put it all together and realize it was love. I don't have much experience with that sort of thing, you know. And even once I had realized, I didn't mind so much . . . until that dream. I won't say I was thrilled with being just your friend when I knew I wanted something else, but I was dealing with it." 

    He says nothing. 

    "Tsuzuki, why won't you accept how much you're worth?" Oops. I don't think I meant to say that out loud. 

    "If you had lived through what I've been through, you'd understand . . ." Tsuzuki whispers. 

    "Then talk to me!" I lean across the table and look at him closely. "Tsuzuki, you never tell anyone what you really think, how you really feel, and it's killing you. You have to trust me. You think I don't know what it's like to feel worthless? My own parents called me a demon child and locked me in a dungeon, only letting me out at night when no one would see me. I was in the hospital, dying, for three years, and they never came to visit me once. I know what it's like. You have to talk to me." 

    Tsuzuki looks away. "It's just hard for me." 

    "I know that," I say. I'm being fairly patient for once. "It was hard for me, too. But I learned to trust, I learned to need. Because of you. I was hiding behind walls that were a half a mile thick, but you managed to help me get rid of them. Now please, let me help you." 

    "I . . . I want to," he says. "I don't know how." 

    "You can start by believing me when I say I love you, and believing that it's just because of who you are. There's nothing special or magical about this. At least, no more special than any sort of love is. It's just love. It's just that I think you're a wonderful person and I want you to stay with me." 

    Tsuzuki, true to form, changes the subject. "Why did you break the doll? You knew it might kill you." 

    "I did know that," I agree evenly. "But I also knew it might not kill me. It was a calculated risk, Tsuzuki. I wasn't trying to get myself killed. I was trying to end the nightmares." 

    "I'm sorry I yelled at you for going," he says softly. 

    "I'm sorry I yelled back," I reply. "Can't we just leave all that behind us? It was a rough time. I don't want to think about it anymore. I just want to think about the here and now." 

    "Okay," he whispers. 

    "Tsuzuki . . . how do you feel about me?" 

    He looks terrified at the question. That was probably a misjudgment on my part. Shouldn't have asked that. But I have to know. I have to hear him say it. 

    "I don't know," he finally says. Not the answer I was hoping for. 

    Still, something I can deal with. I reach out and cup his face in my hands. "Show me?" 

    He nods slowly, closes his eyes, and lets his shields down. 

    After being around Akimiya so much, my empathy is oversensitive when he's not nearby. The first wave of emotion that crashes over me surprises me so much that I nearly throw my own shields up instinctively. But I manage to hold steady, letting them flow over me and through me. Once I've steadied a bit more, I can analyze, and think, through the feeling. 

    "Hold on," I murmur, and send a wave of returning feeling back. 

    Tsuzuki's eyes snap open. "It's . . . the same," he says tentatively. 

    I can only nod. 

    "I guess that makes me pretty stupid," Tsuzuki says, and laughs a little. I let go of him, breaking the connection, and he puts his shields back up. 

    I shrug. "Empathy is a great thing sometimes. We could have talked around the subject for ages, trying to figure out exactly how we feel about each other. But now we know we feel the same, so everything's okay." Actually, I feel a large grin coming to my face. I feel better than I have in weeks. 

    "Do you think I can make you happy, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asks quietly. 

    "I know you can," I reply. "You just have to try." I swallow the growing lump in my throat. "And . . . if you let me . . . I'll try my hardest to make you happy. That's all I want, Tsuzuki. I just want to be happy with you." 

    Tsuzuki looks thoughtful at this. "I don't think I've ever been happy," he says after a long moment. "Not completely, anyway." 

    "There's no such thing as perfect happiness, Tsuzuki," I say. "But I think . . . we'd be happier . . . together." 

    "What does that mean?" Tsuzuki asks. "To be 'together'?" 

    "It means . . . that we spend time together, and . . . care for each other . . . and maybe, after a while, if you're okay with it, not have to be alone at night anymore . . ." I'm stammering. I know it. "It's just knowing that I care for you more than anyone else, and you care for me more than anyone else, and . . ." My voice trails off. 

    "I think that I can manage that," Tsuzuki says softly, and leans forward. Then he stops. "Can I . . . can I kiss you, Hisoka?" 

    I can't manage to talk, so I just nod. He leans forward and I close my eyes, forgetting everything. Everything just fades and the only thing that's real is Tsuzuki's lips as they feather brush over mine. He's so hesitant, he keeps pulling away for a second after each contact. Finally, he seems assured that I'm not going to run away screaming, and puts his arms around my shoulders, pulling me in for a real kiss. 

    Which is, naturally, when the door opens. I have the worst luck. It's Tatsumi-san, Akimiya, and Watari. Much to my surprise, however, Tsuzuki doesn't let go of me, and he doesn't stop kissing me, either. I hardly have any objection, so I continue to kiss back. The others don't seem to think anything about this is odd in the slightest; they get their coats, chatting amiably, and leave the room. 

    Tsuzuki finally lets go of me, leaving me just a bit breathless. There's a short moment of silence, then he grins at me. "You want to go get dinner? Tatsumi told me about this great restaurant in downtown Tokyo . . ." 

    I let him babble, smile, and nod. I don't care where we go, as long as I'm with him. 

~~~~~ 

    I go back to Tsuzuki's after dinner. Neither of us have forgotten that I'm scheduled to leave on a mission the next day, but we're cheerfully ignoring it, pretending that we don't know. We make popcorn and watch a movie and have a popcorn fight. It feels like we're on vacation again. And, thankfully, the tension that was between us is gone. Tsuzuki seems to have realized that we don't really need to change anything. The difference isn't in how we act. It's just in how we feel. 

    Okay, and the kissing is nice. 

    I think part of the reason I love Tsuzuki is because I never feel the need to hide when I'm around him. I can always just be myself. I'm not sure I would've dared had a popcorn fight with anyone else. God forbid I act my age, right? But Tsuzuki doesn't care about any of that. He loves me for me, the way I love him for him. 

    He . . . loves me. As sad as it is, thinking that makes this little place inside me glow with happiness. Tsuzuki remarked after the movie that he could see it in my face. I'm glowing. How embarrassing. I don't even want to think about what Akimiya is going to say tomorrow. 

    Apparently I don't have to wait, because the phone rings and it's him. Tsuzuki hands it to me, looking puzzled. 

    "I thought I'd find you here," Akimiya greets me, the hint of a smirk in his voice. 

    I sigh. "What did you need, Akimiya?" 

    "Just to tell you one thing. Watari and I were talking after work and he suddenly got this brainstorm -- you know how Watari is -- and said he needed to go back to the office. He just called and said that lead we got this morning was a decoy, and he'll need at least another day to work on it before he can send us off." 

    I pause in suspicious silence. "Akimiya . . ." 

    "Yes?" He's the very picture of innocence. 

    "There wasn't really a lead this morning, was there," I say. "It was just one big office conspiracy to get me to talk to Tsuzuki, wasn't it." 

    "Come on, Hisoka," Akimiya says, quite unconvincingly. "Would we do something like that?" 

    "Yes," I reply. "In a heartbeat." 

    "Well, if it makes you feel any better, it took us almost an entire hour to convince Konoe-kachou to let us go ahead with it. He grumbled a lot about 'wasting office time.' Fortunately, as this case doesn't involve people losing their lives, he decided that losing one day wouldn't kill us. And we didn't really, because Watari still spent all day working on figuring it out." 

    "Akimiya?" 

    "What?" 

    "I hate you." 

    He laughs. "Okay, so we were a bit underhanded. Would you have ever gotten up the guts to talk to him if we hadn't been?" 

    "Maybe," I say. "In a couple days." 

    "At which point he would have it firmly placed in his head that you either didn't want him or were terribly mad at him," Akimiya says, still sounding amused. "We did what we thought was best for your relationship. Are you upset with how it turned out?" 

    I blush. "No." 

    "Then what are you complaining about?" 

    "Just the fact that everyone is against me." 

    "C'mon, Hisoka. Sure, everyone's against you, but we conspired for your greater good. And you know I'm right." 

    "Yeah, yeah." I yawn. "I suppose I should thank you." 

    "I didn't do it for thanks, Hisoka." Akimiya sounds smug. "I did it so you'd stop being so completely miserable and driving me crazy. See you tomorrow!" 

    He hangs up. I roll my eyes and hand the phone back to Tsuzuki. 

    "So you don't have to leave tomorrow?" he asks anxiously. 

    "No, apparently not," I say, and explain the circumstances of the conspiracy. 

    "Wah!" Tsuzuki is overjoyed. "That's great! We can stay up late and watch another movie!" 

    "We still have to work tomorrow," I point out. I think I'll always be the logical one between the two of us. 

    "Yeah, but we can sleepwalk through a day at the office," he says cheerfully, and starts looking through his stack of movies. He puts one in the VCR without telling me what it is and flops down on the couch. I shake my head and join him, curling up in his arms. 

    "You're just going to fall asleep," I remark. 

    "Of course I won't! I love this movie!" 

    "Right," I say. The couch isn't quite big enough for both of us, so I'm half lying on top of him, my head resting on his shoulder. It's very comfortable. Tsuzuki makes a good pillow. It helps that one of his arms is around my waist. I'm glowing again, I can feel it. 

    Tsuzuki starts to snore halfway through the movie. I turn it off and tug him up to bed, then climb underneath the covers next to him. 

    "You going to stay awake all night again?" Tsuzuki asks sleepily. 

    "No," I say. "I'll just risk sleeping." 

    "I was so worried," Tsuzuki says through a huge yawn. "When you got hurt . . . thought maybe it'd been because you hadn't slept at all . . . I felt so guilty . . ." 

    "Don't worry about it," I reply, smoothing his hair. He's so beautiful when he sleeps. So innocent looking. I reach over and turn off the light. I'm very tired; it's been a long day. Still, before I go to sleep, I brush my lips over his. "I love you." 

    He smiles sleepily. "Love you too, Hisoka . . ." And then he's asleep, his face relaxed and peaceful. I snuggle up next to him -- who would ever have thought I'd be using the word 'snuggle' in conjunction with myself? -- and pull the blankets over us. Even if we have nightmares, I don't care; it's worth it to sleep next to him like this. 

    So now are we supposed to live happily ever after, like in all the fairy tales? I know better than to hope for that. But I am happy. I feel like nothing can hurt me. And despite my misgivings about happily ever after, I have a good feeling about this. This is good. 

    Sometimes I think forever can't last long enough. 

~~~~ 

--finis-- 

_PS: I've had a couple requests for a sequel; apparently Akimiya has been growing on people ^_~ I hadn't really planned on it, but if I get enough requests, I might do it. So let me know if you'd be interested. _

Other feedback is, as always, revered. ^_^


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